Marriage and Human Being
When news people speak of Hollywood marriages, they often speak of those who have been married more than a few years with something that might be awe but is more likely, I think, to be surprise: "So-and-so and so-and-so have been married for almost ten years!" or "Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married for fifty years!!" There was a time when one might hear of a fiftieth wedding anniversary and refer to it with admiration, but the attitude for media reporters today is more likely to be one of incredulity.
Of course Hollywood isn't much of a barometer of where we stand culturally. It has never been the place to see what Americans are really like (though, unfortunately, it is that by which we most often present ourselves to others).
Looking at Hollywood one would think that Americans are overwhelmingly white, with a few people of color sprinkled here and there, that those who take religion seriously are mostly either wild-eyed fanatics or out-and-out daft (and in either case not so bright), that only a few people struggle with gay issues and that those issues are mostly fodder for humor, that most parents (usually but not always fathers) are dim-witted in comparison to their children, and that philosophy professors all wear tweed, drive a sports car, and seduce their undergraduate students. It takes little experience and reflection to know that few of us are the people most frequently portrayed in sit-coms and movies.
Though we can write off these depictions of ourselves as nothing more than the product of entertainment fluff, it nevertheless seems that media trends are often a sign of things coming. Perhaps that's true of marriage. Perhaps we are moving in the direction of marriages that last for a few years before those in them decide to remain friends but to move on. I hope not.
Marriages that do not last forever are hardly new. I'm not an avid genealogist, but I've done enough research in my family tree to know that families in the past knew divorce and abandonment. In spite of that, it seems to me that the idea of marriage has changed, and may be changing more rapidly.
Presently we tend to think of marriage as a love relation between two individuals. In that case, Janice and I married because we were in love and wanted to express that love and our expectation of its longevity publicly by getting married. Though all of those things are true, that isn't the only way to understand what marriage means, nor does it capture what happened when we married.
In a variety of cultures around the world now and in the past, marriage has been seen as an event that brings together two families and creates a relationship that undergirds the community. In such cultures, arranged marriages were often expected, and in them love might be irrelevant (though today many who still prefer to arrange marriages take love into consideration in the arrangement). But when marriage has been understood as the foundation of community, then even a marriage between two passionate lovers was assumed to be more than an expression of their love.
It has also seldom been true that marriage was a contract in the ways we usually think about contract. There were sometimes contractual elements to a marriage, but the marriage went beyond that. I enter into a contract with someone else to protect myself in our relationship: I will do this and you will do that; but if I don't, then . . . ; and if you don't, then . . . . If I rent a car, I'm entering into a brief relationship with the rental company, and we have a contract that protects each of us from the possible failures of the other.
James Faulconer is a Richard L. Evans Professor of Religious Understanding at Brigham Young University, where he has taught philosophy since 1975.