Religion and Sexuality
A Bouquet of Lovers: Strategies for Responsible Open Relationships
Hogamus, Higamus, Men Are Polygamous;
Higamus, Hogamus, Women Monogamous
The only reason such mixed marriages have actually worked has been because there was an all powerful church/state taboo enforced on options other than monogamy. In a patriarchy, men's deviation from that norm is ignored and women's is punished, often by death. The first recorded gender-specific law, in the ancient code of Urukagina from 2400 B.C.E., was directed against women who practiced polyandry, specifying that their teeth be bashed in with bricks. Now that the social codes are being challenged, even though the state maintains laws against legal plural marriage, both men and women are freer to explore alternative preferences, and relationships are conspicuously in a period of flux.
When I first met and fell in love with my present Primary partner, I roused myself sufficiently from my bedazzled emotional state to say: "I love you, but I hope that we can somehow have an Open Relationship because I am not really suited to monogamy and would be very unhappy in a monogamous relationship." Fortunately, Otter was delighted to hear this as he had been too afraid of losing the newfound bliss to broach the subject first.
Many a relationship has foundered on the rock of Higamus-Hogamus. Nevertheless, the sooner it gets dealt with the better the chance for the relationship to survive. It also means a quicker and kinder death to a romance if this basic agreement cannot be reached. Honesty and willing Polyamorous Commitment are the basic building blocks all partners must use to build a lasting Open Relationship.
Once over that hurdle, next comes a set of ground rules for conducting the relationships. Any relationship profits by ground rules, even a one-night stand. Nowadays, the state of sexuality being risky, such considerations are more than a politeness; they can be a lifesaver.
Never put energy into any Secondary relationships when there is an active conflict within the Primary. This has to be bedrock or the Primary will eventually fold.
The difficulty with this rule is that if both partners are not equally committed to the openness of the relationship, it can be used as a gun in their disagreements. By deliberately picking a fight just before Primary A goes to see a Secondary sweetie, Primary B can control her spouse and prevent him from ever having successful Secondary relations. This behavior is fraught with dishonesty and secret monogamous agendas; if it is persistently indulged in, it is symptomatic of a fundamental problem with the basic principles. If Partner B plays this game with Partner A's satellite assignations while continuing to pursue his own, B is an out-and-out hypocrite and needs to be called on his bullshit in no uncertain terms!
Nevertheless, this rule is the safety valve for sanity and preservation of Primary relationships and should be followed with scrupulous integrity. It is a good idea for Primary partners to have an agreed upon set of signals or a formally stated phrase to politely request their Primary to postpone or cancel the secondary assignation so that the energy can be put into the Primary relationship for fence mending or bonding. This ritualized request can be structured so as to avoid loaded terminology and to decrease the negative emotional charge. Frivolous use of this signal is very destructive of it, as is refusal to participate in healing when access to the Primary partner has been obtained.
Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart coined the term "polyamory" in this pioneer article, which originally appeared in 1990. She has been a priestess of the Church of All Worlds since 1974, travelling extensively to teach about C.A.W., Paganism, Polyamory, and the Goddess. She currently hosts "Great Goddess Weekend Retreats" in her home in Northern California. For the past 37 years she has been in a happy poly-relationship with her husband, Oberon Zell-Ravenheart, with whom she forms a triad with her dear friend and lover, Julie Epona. Morning Glory and Oberon sell their God and Goddess statues and jewelry through their website Mythic Images