Father Dwight Longenecker
Lesson Nine: Sex as 4-Letter Word, G-A-M-E
The idea is to make fornication, adultery, contraception, and abortion the normal, clean cut, all American apple pie way of living. Never let them see that they are behaving like brute beasts in heat. Never let them see the treachery, betrayal, selfishness, and crudity of their behavior. You want them to equate their own sexual adventures with the glamour, beauty, and wealth of the media stars we put before them. Never let them see that their drunken sex encounter is sordid, that the real girl they're with is overweight, insecure, and has acne. Never let them see that the boy they've gone with is a weedy dysfunctional drunk with no prospects. Most of all, never let them see that their unwholesome sexual act is fleeting and unsatisfying.
Here is where you must step in quickly. If your patient begins to be dissatisfied with his or her sex life they mustn't begin to question our basic idea that unlimited party sex is what will make them happy. If their unhappiness leads them to question their behavior you may lose them very quickly. Instead you want to whisper in their ear that their sexual encounter was unsatisfactory because they lack physical prowess or 'technique.' Then you introduce them to a whole raft of magazines produced by some of our best tempters. Get the men to read magazines of male fitness. They usually have a lead article on 'Hot Sex.' By the way, you can also weave in a nice little line in male vanity through these magazines—but more on that later. There are parallel magazines for the female. They offer lots of sizzling hints encouraging the females to be just as 'hot' as the males. My dear flatworms and slugs—keep the miserable chimps on this path and they will learn just what 'hot and sizzling' really means before they know it.
The other ploy when they become dissatisfied with their sexual party games is to tell them that they simply haven't found the ideal partner. You want them to consider sex to be like a game of tennis. It's a fun sport as long as you have an equal opponent. This is where the media become useful again. Once the male-brute is unhappy with his 'sex life,' set him out on a quest to find the 'right partner.' Before long you'll have him out every night like a tomcat—always on the move, and never in love. With a little bit of luck and skill your patient will approach middle age alone and lonely with a beer belly and a little black book full of crossed out names. Once his tomcat behavior has led him to total loneliness, with a bottle of pills or a pistol you might just push him over the brink in the sudden plunge into our Father's banqueting house below.
You can work the same trick with the females, and with them the result is even more delightful. They spend their 20s 'sleeping around.' Maybe you can manage to get them to have a couple of abortions along the way. (If you do make sure the abortion is botched so the little sow can never breed.) Then when they hit their 30s they'll continue the behavior if they can because now it has become a habit. They still think they'll get married and have a nice house in the suburbs and have three children and a dog and bake cookies for after school. The delight when they wake up one morning in their late 30s and realize that they're actually old hags—and they've lost not only all their friends, but any chance at their dream—is simply too delicious for words.
You see, in all this dear worms, what you must do is keep them believing our underlying assumptions—that sex is simply a game. When they become disenchanted and disappointed with it, make them believe that the reason is not because they have had too much 'free sex' but because they have not had enough. You and I know that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, but they don't know that. For them to challenge the assumption that the best thing in the world is unrestricted free sex is, happily for us, simply too big a leap. The fact that it is, is one of our greatest success stories.
Allow me to conclude: This is one of the main objectives of mass media and pop culture. You simply must not allow this basic, underlying assumption to be challenged. You must work on it ceaselessly. Through pop music, magazines, websites, advertising, television shows, movies, games, books, novels—every single outlet must give the same message: that it's sexual party time and everything is fun and anything goes.
I know you find it all a bit of a giggle. Some of you, like Snort, though, realize how disgusting the topic is, and with what seriousness we must take it.
Class dismissed. Next class is Pornography and Perdition.
Fr. Dwight Longenecker is the Parish Priest of Our Lady of the Rosary Church in Greenville, South Carolina. His latest book is Catholicism Pure and Simple. Visit his blog and sign up for Faith Works! his free, weekly newsletter on the practical practice of the Catholic faith here.