Short Takes from Facebook 1

Suddenly I *GET* zombie movies. Zombies are religious people. Atheists and rationalists are the normal ones.  The horror of the metaphorical “zombie takeover” is what you experience when you wake up from religion and discover that everybody around you is still a zombie. AND THEY WANT YOUR BRAIN.

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You ever have an epiphany about something you already know? You look at it again, pretending you’re seeing it for the first time, and it suddenly blows your mind? I just had that about electric eels. These are critters that produce frickin’ ELECTRICITY! From their BODIES!! Enough to kill things!! Whoa. Time to start planning my evil lair.

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Hank Fox’s Law of Blogging Vs. Social Media:

The total time and energy available for digital communication is finite. You can use your time and energy for blogging, or Facebooking, or Twittering, or all three, but a zero-sum situation emerges in which posting energy devoted to Facebook and Twitter is subtracted from blog posting. The one exception to this rule is Bora.
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Packing to move, I just found my copy of the newspaper from Sept 12, 2001. The attacks happened on a Tuesday. We were up really late that night putting the morning newspaper together. Bush was all presidential in the reports we printed, but 18 months later, that pustulent little weasel would be sending American kids to Iraq. 4,474 young men and women are now dead of it — 1,478 more people than were killed on 9/11 itself.
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If, every Sunday, the Christian Vuvuzela Band would march up and down the streets, handing out vuvuzelas to children and inviting them to join in, the atheist group would have a lot more members.
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I still have almost no idea what Facebook’s Poke button is for.
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You know you’ve had a truly juicy plum when you have to change your shirt after eating it.
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In order to lessen the stigma of the U.S. government sending troops into new parts of the world, weapons systems are now being named after TV sitcoms. Thus the My Mother the Car-nage fuel air weapon, the Get Smart Bomb, the Father Knows Blast anti-personnel mine, the Brady Punch bunker buster, the Happy Days-y Cutter, and the Gilligan’s Island Three Hour Cruise missile.
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If you have a bad lisp, it’s a mistake to embrace solipsism as a personal philosophy.
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The letters “ATHEIST” can be rearranged to spell “ATE SHIT.” Which is sort of what we were forced to do for the past several thousand years.
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There must be a disease: Obama Syndrome. It’s when EVERYTHING is Obama’s fault. You could mention the Big Bang and they’d say “This was a perfectly good infinitely massive point until Obama got here! Now we’ve got Entropy! Thank you very much, Mr. Hope and Change!”
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My shoulderblades have been itching for about a week now. I think my leathery atheist wings are starting to come in.
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This new economy the GOP is helping create, where the rich get ever richer, and the rest of us slide back into essential servitude, I think of it as the Futile System.
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My roomie just used the phrase “the Twelve Apostles” and my aged ears picked up “the Twelve Opossums.”
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Why do you suppose the religious stage is a historic hotbed of child molesting, but the science stage is not?
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The GOP has the benefit of ESP — Extremely Scary People
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Dammit. I went to the local puppy mill six times, and EVERY TIME they were out of puppy flour.
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Are we doubling down on our country’s greased chute into mediocrity? Is it possible we’re about to get a White House contender even DUMBER than George W. Bush? Someone who will make Bush look good, as Bush made Nixon look good?
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Aware of my upcoming birthday, a friend suggested she might get me a geology souvenir — a coarse-grained metamorphic rock with a banded or foliated structure, consisting mainly of feldspar, quartz, and mica.

I replied, “That will be gneiss.”
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In the end I think it’s going to turn out that Ann Coulter is really living an immense joke at the Right Wing’s expense. When the fame finally dies down, I expect the tell-all to end all tell-alls, about how royally stupid the winger leadership is, how gullible the followers are, and how easily they were all taken in. How she said the most outrageous things she could think of, and NOTHING was too low or too offensive for them.
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Suppose, wherever you are in the world, you voluntarily separated yourself from existing nations, and formed, with other people like you, your own nation. You’d write your own transnational constitution, and formulate your own laws and economy. Something better than anything that exists now, more rational and progressive. Co-existing within the framework of the old nations and laws, but separate and apart. You wouldn’t secede, you’d supersede, wherever you live now. Hmm.
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Hey, wingers! Texas Governor Rick Perry is running for President! One thing I’d really like to see from all his right wing supporters: Show up at his event wearing guns! No, seriously! He’d LOVE it!
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Can’t stop yawning in the middle of the day? There’s a nap for that.
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All you bankers and corporate CEOs, the wealthy who pay no taxes, the politicians who feel comfortably remote from all this economic turmoil, all you safe, rich, smugly arrogant people — here’s something that occurred to me today:

If the world economy melts down, no place is safe. People are going to come over the walls and fucking eat you. And even if they don’t, the sweet life is over. For all of us.
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You know it’s true addiction when you both pause during sex to check your email and Facebook status.
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I have two friends who would get out of bed in the middle of the night, dress and drive to wherever I was, and help me out of a jam. No complaints, no questions asked, no payment expected. And here’s the thing: They’re both atheists.
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When you go to Heaven, you get your wisdom teeth back. If you’re not 100% grateful, you don’t get to dine at the table with Jesus. Also, they give you a scratchy robe that binds under the arms, and a halo that blinks off and on in a comical manner, spelling out “WHINER” in Morse code.
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I never use coupons (Subway Sandwich Club cards, etc.), no matter how much money I can “save.” I’m the only one I know who deliberately does this. It would take a while to completely explain how I feel about coupons, but it boils down to “sweet bait offered by corporations in order to own part of you.” If they want part of ME, part of MY time and life, they’re going to damned well have to offer more than 25 cents.
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Come to find out, the “coffee cake” I got at the store contains no coffee. I’m suing.
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When I was a kid, I thought “squalor” was the name of a town. Like Squalor, Georgia, or Squalor, Alabama. The way they’d talk about it in the news, practically spitting in disgust — a family LIVING IN SQUALOR — I thought, boy, you never want to wind up THERE.
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So … if you’re getting patted down by TSA agents, is that a bad time to whistle that Cee Lo Green song?
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Every time cops shut down a kid’s lemonade stand, I think they should also shut down a church bake sale. After all, unless every cupcake and muffin is inspected by the Health Department, the public safety is equally at risk.
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If I ever happen to die, I want my last words to be “What a ride!”

  • jimmiraybob

    I’m not a Zombieologist so I’ve never quite contemplated on the fact that once the zombie has eaten the brain of its victim, the victim becomes a functional zombie. Is it because the original zombie only eats the parts of the brain used for rational and creative thought and leaves motor function and a singular impulse to then go on to eat other’s brains, as opposed to say grilled brisket or arugula….perhaps with a good stout or a fine Merlot?

    Has science yet identified the brain eating-impulse portion of the brain?

  • Randomfactor

    Re: your first item–a few of us have twigged that the Rapture and the Zombie Apocalypse are one and the same. After the remaining, vestigial free will has been Raptured from the faithful later this year, what do you THINK will happen with the corporeal remains? They’ll roam the earth in search of the one thing they lacked while alive…

  • Meg

    I really hate coupons. If the company can sell the item at the coupon price, they are ripping us off the rest of the time. The discount card clubs are the absolute worst. My personal information, spending habits, and email account are accessible enough without me giving them away.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty

    NOBODY knows what the “poke” button is for.


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