Short Stack #3

I’ve been joking for years that Christianity is a stolen religion. Christians heisted it from the Jews in the middle of the night, polished off the serial numbers and changed the plates, slapped on a new coat of paint, and now they’re driving it like it was their own.

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What?? You mean … Jesus wasn’t actually a Christian?? Oh, man. If JESUS wasn’t a Christian, why should I be?

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All those cartoon villains want to Rule The World — why is it that Jesus and Allah want that same thing?

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The cool thing about Muslims is that they always know which way is east. So giving directions is a snap.

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I think it’s time for Americans to “go to the mattresses” with the creationists.

On the day when Pat Robertson wakes up in bed with a horse’s head, we will know we’re making progress.

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Fundamentalism is proof that the Blue Screen of Death happens not just in computers, but in human brains.

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Just so we’re clear on how mistreated and discriminated-against American Christians are NOT, note that every member of Congress — save one recent Muslim and a few scattered Jews — is a Christian. Every governor of every state is a Christian. On the local level, it’s virtually impossible to get elected to any office without paying homage to Jesus.

Most of my life, you had to swear on the Bible even to serve on a jury. And lest we forget, the recent President of the United States, George W. Bush, the most powerful man in the world, was a very vocal Christian. (Not to mention that every current Republican candidate for the office is not only a vocal Christian, but pays homage to the most reactionary and anti-science wing of the faith.)

Every piece of U.S. money, every coin and bill, serves double duty as a Christian tract, with “In God We Trust” stamped on it. Rich, powerful televangelists blanket the airwaves of every city and state.

Christians sit on every official policy-making body in the nation. It is absolutely impossible to pass any bit of public legislation, to create the least scrap of public policy, without it passing through the hands of Christians. Every bill, every law, every ordinance, every legal decision, has Christian input.

Further, every corporation in America likely has a majority of Christians on its board of directors. Every school principal in America — and every teacher — is more likely to be a Christian than any other religion. No matter where you live in the United States, it’s a good bet you can walk to a Christian church.

Christians are NOT downtrodden. NOT discriminated against. They own America, and everything in it. The rest of us can’t even sneeze in public without the Christian presence making itself known in a chorus of god-bless-yous.

Christians: You win. You can stop kicking us.

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Remember your Big Brass Atheist Balls.

When Christians say “You atheists don’t believe in anything!” double down with “Hey, we atheists believe in EVERYTHING. … Everything REAL, anyway.”

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The Big Lie is at the heart of most religions. The one about afterlives is a whopper off the scale of just about anything else humans have.

Your loved ones don’t die, they LIVE ON BEYOND DEATH. And not only do they live on beyond death, they live on FOREVER. And not only do they live on forever, they live on forever IN PARADISE. And not only do they live forever in paradise, they live forever in paradise WITH EVERYONE THEY EVER LOVED. Possibly including dogs, cats, horses and ex-husbands.

Probably gets pretty crowded up there.

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Fundie’s worst nightmare: Two lesbians get married. Then they both get pregnant. With cloned babies. Later, they change their minds and go out and get dual abortions. Finally, they sell the fetuses for stem cell research.

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About Hank Fox
  • Nentuaby

    Aah, your last one doesn’t go quite far enough. Its first word should be ‘three.’ ;)

    • http://florilegia.wordpress.com Ibis3, denizen of a spiteful ghetto

      to a goat.

  • Lauren Ipsum

    “note that every member of Congress — save one recent Muslim and a few scattered Jews — is a Christian”

    No, we have one atheist from California, Pete Stark.

    • Hank Fox

      Oops, my bad. And thanks for the correction!