Inside every one of us is a 12-year-old who deserves a cookie and a hug.
Nobody gets enough hugs.
Someday you’re going to be dead. Might as well make the best of the situation while you wait.
After you lose half your hair, the pressure’s off.
The burger you get at the counter has no resemblance to the burger on the poster.
It they tell you it’s “for your own good” or “to serve you better” … it isn’t.
It’s okay to be wrong.
Everything mouse-sized and bigger has feelings.
The death of a loved one makes everything else small change.
Some people just shouldn’t grow beards. Not all of them are women.
Human mating behavior is actually very funny. But it’s probably a mistake to laugh out loud the first time you see somebody naked.
You’re never too old to have an adventure.
There are some truly freaky people in Wal-Mart late at night.
Just like people, dogs like ice water on hot summer days.
The others are too busy dancing to notice how good or bad your dancing is.
Charity is cheaper if you do it directly.
Both churches and casinos are there to screw money out of you. But casinos have better cocktail waitresses.
The best thing you can do for your friends is to outlive them, so they’ll never be without your love.
You get to see exactly 28 rainbows in your lifetime and then no more, ever. You might want to make a point of stopping and looking at the next one.
You can’t wait for real life to start at some nebulous future date. Life has to be enjoyed every day.
Chicks dig hot cars.
I can overlook a lot of your peccadilloes as long as you’re self-supporting.
The guy who eats grapes in the supermarket when he thinks nobody’s watching? That guy will also pee in your pool.
Never lie to a child or a dog for any reason. (One exception: If you’re playing tug of war with your dog, he should always win.)
Little people think the way to be big is to hurt or control others. But big people want power FOR people, rather than OVER them.
One of the nicest things about children is that they give adults an excuse to blow bubbles again.
In court, bigger and better and higher-priced liars usually win out over simple honesty and good faith.
Treat children as fairly as you do adults. Expect adults to act like children.
I’ve never met an Australian I didn’t instantly like. Either all Australians are fantastic people, or there’s some kind of really hard personality test you have to take before they let you leave.
Some people have never had an original thought in their lives. And you can’t make them.
Nobody outside Texas knows what real barbecue is. Or real pecan pie.
Cats look a lot smarter than they are.
Some of the most gentle and generous people I’ve met have been atheists or secular humanists. Plus, they’re not doing it for the heavenly brownie points.
Human beings can go to war over their differences, despite being 99.99 percent the same.
Pretty much everybody is a doofus. Including you and me. The trick is to be a well-meaning doofus.
Your parents didn’t mean to do it to you.
Cities suck. But humans can adapt to damned near anything.
Mom and dad, don’t be assholes: Give your kid a name people can spell.
There are some people who really deserve to be hit in the head with a shovel. And they’re not all zombies.
Fame is a cheat, because it depends more on what other people think about you that on what you yourself think.
There are artists, and there are people who SAY they’re artists.
If you have a dog or cat, it’s their house too. Don’t complain about a few muddy footprints, or hair on the furniture.
Money can’t buy happiness, but if you’re going to be miserable and lonely anyway, you may as well take the money.
LISTEN to people. They’ll think you’re smart.
The war on drugs will keep prison-builders and prison guards busy for the next ten thousand years. But it will eventually stop people from using drugs … NOT!
Sports fanatics are idiots. But they have more friends.
There’s the family you get, the family you make, and the family you discover along the way.
People who deliberately breed small, stubby-legged, brainless dogs are not really animal lovers.
Everybody farts. But it’s only when the Pope does it that people in the elevator feel blessed.
There is nothing quite like feeding marshmallows by hand to a live grizzly.
[ And I'd love to hear some of yours. ]