1) In Heaven, everybody has delicious Thomas’s English muffins for breakfast, and they come already toasted and slathered with real butter. Plus, they’re served by obsequious angelic beings who look exactly like Rolling Stone’s Keith Richards.
2) In Heaven, nobody has to settle for diet food, or the vegetarian menu. It’s all barbecued chicken, breaded pork chops, steak, and lots and lots of bacon. Even the salads are made out of bacon.
3) In Heaven, the Viagra commercials say “If your erection lasts less than four hours, consult a doctor immediately.”
4) Speaking of which: In Heaven, there are booze-fueled sex parties that go on for a thousand years, and you can hear the shrieks of laughter and shouts of orgasm from 50 miles away.
5) In Heaven, cheese is intelligent, and you can talk to it. There are special earmuffs you have to wear when you want to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
6) In Heaven, God sometimes takes days off and lets Justin Bieber take over. (The fact that Justin Bieber is not yet dead is a detail only mortals would consider significant; God just laughs and does it anyway.)
7) In Heaven, there is a special palatial annex where all the past Popes live, and the halls are alive with half-naked choirboys and personal servants who answer to the Popes’ every desire. Every young person who dies and goes to Heaven spends their first ten years or so in the Papal Annex.