Short Stack # 15 — Mitt Romney

This is a SHORT short stack, focused on a single subject that played out today in Facebook.

Mitt Romney is so boring that …

(I came up with a few:)

… the cats at his house sleep 20 hours a day instead of just 18.

… the dog REALLY DID prefer to ride on the roof.

… his mother slept through his delivery. So did the doctor.

… after he spoke at an Optimists Club meeting, they all killed themselves.

… he’s being sued by the maker of Xanax for unfair competition.

… after the Roadrunner attended one of Mitt’s speeches, he was so depressed he let Wile E. Coyote catch him.

(Co-blogger Ian Cromwell chimed in with:)

… Tostitos now sells salsa in hot, medium, mild, and Mitt.

… his charisma has been officially recognized by leading homeopaths as 30C.

… his private home movies with his wife are rated ‘ZZZ.’

(Others popped off with:)

… his secret service code name is Mitt Romney. (Dave Hitt)

… his inner child is 45. (Dan Dalrymple)

… his favorite color is a matte beige. (Gary A. Gabbard)

… white bread gives him acid reflux. (Gary A. Gabbard)

(And finally FB friend Stevarious nailed a few:)

… sheep count him.

… his driver’s license describes him as having ‘hair colored’ hair.

… his idea of a wild night is staying up to watch the ten o’clock news.

… he once really cut loose and put on his socks in the wrong order!

… his wife arranged to have him walk in on her with another man, just to see if Mitt’s expression would change. It didn’t.

… he’s actually been recorded as saying “Well, I went to a place today called Wawas. You ever been to Wawas? Anyone been to Wawas? I was at Wawas. I went in to order a sandwich. You press a little touch-tone keypad … you just touch that, and, you know, the sandwich comes out … it’s amazing.” – Mitt Romney.

(And the best of all, also from Stevarious:)

Mitt Romney is so boring …

… his favorite flavor is ‘water.’

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  • machintelligence

    …people are not allowed to drive or operate heavy equipment when he is speaking.

  • phil

    …zombies would rather eat their own brain

    …the CIA are not allowed to use tapes of his speeches against terrorist suspects

    …the Oxford English Dictionary has been challenged to find another word to describe him, because ‘monotone’ is no longer adequate

    …when he walks into a room…..everyone carries on as if nothing happened.

  • Crudely Wrott

    . . . cicadas are struck dumb when he walks out of his house.

  • wholething

    …he likes his ice cream with a little less vanilla extract.

  • Hank Fox

    … when a younger Mitt tried out as an altar boy, the priests refused to touch him.

    … when he visited the circus, the 50 clowns chose to stay in the Tiny Little Car.

    … when the thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby heard Mitt was at the finish line to award the winner a wreath of roses, the horses broke out of the starting gate and then stopped to graze. The jockeys let them.

    … villagers in India have discovered that wearing a picture of Mitt on the backs of their heads prevents tiger attacks.

    … when Mitt was kidnapped, the Secret Service went on vacation. The kidnappers returned him after 3 days.

    … when he showed up at a South American soccer game, the vuvuzelas fell silent.

    … after Mitt visited attractions in Yellowstone National Park, Old Faithful was renamed Old Sometimes.

    … when he showed up on the sidelines at the Indy 500, the drivers all forgot and turned right.

    … after a visiting time traveler took him back 65 million years and Mitt stepped out during dinosaur mating season …

    … the GOP is distributing packets of amphetamines and instructing Republican voters to take them on election day.

    … when Mitt’s campaign swung through Gotham City, the Joker decided to stay in Arkham Asylum that day.

    … when he gave a guest sermon at the Crystal Cathedral, membership in American Atheists doubled overnight.

    … when he dropped it at the State Fair, the rides all stopped.

    … based on the “cruel and inhumane punishment” clause, the Supreme Court has ordered him never to speak at prisons.

    … crickets chipped in and gave him an award for allowing them to be heard in speaking halls.

    … when he went to the Vintage Film Festival, King Kong gave back Fay Wray and swam home.

    … after Islamic terrorists are forced to watch one of Mitt’s speeches and shown the FIFTY MORE VIDEOTAPES, they all talk.

    … when he went to a Shakespeare Festival to attend a showing of Romeo and Juliet, the cast got into a brawl over who got to take the poison.

  • Hank Fox

    … a Serbian physicist came to the U.S. to reveal his successful working out of the Theory of Everything, but after hearing Mitt Romney speak, he changed the name of it to the Theory of Everything Except Mitt Romney.

  • Hank Fox

    … when the tabloids discovered “Bruce Wayne” was just another secret identity, and Batman was really Mitt Romney, they went with the kitten picture for the cover instead.

  • busterggi

    …T.T. had six more CHA points than Mitt.

    • busterggi

      Make that E.T.

  • Rick Schauer

    …while being assessed for severe neurological brain damage the doctors compared my brain scans against Mitt’s and said I was only slightly impaired!

  • boadinum

    Mitt Romney when he’s horny:

    Are you prepared to conceive progeny, my allotted spouse? I have the magic turkey baster…

  • http://Gladhouse-Studio.com Gary DeSomber

    …When Mitt walks into a room, everyone looks around to see who just left.

    …When Mitt walks into a colorful room, everything turns Black & White

  • Suido

    …he’s putting colloquial grass growers and paint dryers out of business.

    …baseball and test cricket fans enjoy his speeches, while spouses of said fans are overheard extolling the virtues of said sports.

    …his speeches are required reading for tunnel engineers (sorry, I’ll show myself out now).

  • Ken Baker

    Mitt Romney is so boring that, … that he, that,… uh, zzzzzzzz.

  • Neil C. Reinhardt

    I am an Agnostic Atheist Activist who has been an Atheist for 68 of my 77 years and an Atheist Activist who has been involved in the Separation of Church and State for over half of a century.

    I would much rather have a “boring” Mitt Romney as my President than a DISHONEST PROLIFIC LYING RACIST like ODUMA!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7BfuDZhNzk

    Neil C. Reinhardt

    religionsucks@webtv.net

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    As it seems a lesson in logic is warranted,
    please pay attention,

    The fact a person is, or may be wrong on one, or more issues does not mean they are wrong on every thing they say

    Even the Catholic Hitler was correct at least twice. Once on his establishment of Autobahns which led to the US InterState
    Highways. The second was his “Peoples Car” the Volkswagen which led to the small gas efficient cars of today.

    SORRY ABOUT THE ALL CAPS ONLY THE FOLLOWING IS A CUT & PASTE:

    IN AROUND OCT OF 2008 WHILE THINKING ABOUT ODUMA’S ACTIONS AND HIS WORDS ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED 160 IQ CAUSED ME TO REALIZE:

    “A PERSONS INTELLIGENCE IS LIKE A MAN’S PENIS. IT IS NOT HOW MUCH THEY HAVE, RATHER IT IS HOW EFFECTIVELY THEY USE IT.”

    AND IF ODUMA SCREWS AS POORLY AS HE THINKS, I PITY HIS WIFE. (NOT MUCH AS SHE IS ANOTHER AMERICA HATER.)

    THE FACTS PROVE:

    ODUMA IS A LOW LIFE, DISHONEST, NO HONOR, NO ETHICS, NO MORALS, ARROGANT, ELITIST. NARCISSISTIC, POMPOUS, PROLIFIC LYING, SLICK TALKING, RACIST CON MAN WHOSE JUDGEMENT SKILLS ARE IN THE GUTTER ALONG WITH HIS INTEGRITY,
    TO PARAPHRASE FORREST GUMP:

    “RETARDED IS AS RETARDED DOES!”

    WHILE ODUMA IS RIGHT ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE, GAYS SERVING OPENLY IN OUR MILITARY AND THE FUNDING
    OF BIRTH CONTROL & ABORTIONS, HE IS A DISASTER ON ABOUT EVERY THING ELSE.

    HE HAS INSULTED OUR FRIENDS AND OUR ALLIES AS WELL AS ALL AMERICAN
    BUSINESS PEOPLE. HE HAS GIVEN SECRET MILITARY
    INFORMATION TO THE WORLD AND POSSIBLE FURURE ENEMIES.

    OCUMA HAS SPENT MORE OF OUR MONEY THAN HAD ALL OF OUR PRESIDENTS FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON ON COMBINED HAVE SPENT.

    HE HAS LIED AND LIED AND LIED AND LIED SOME MORE TO US!

    ODUMA’S JUDGMENT SKILLS ARE SO VERY POOR, HE HAS TERRORISTS WHO ROBBED OUR BANKS BOMBED PRIVATE FIRMS AND US GOVERMENT
    FACILITES, AS WELL AS POLICE CARS AND POLICE STATIONS AND WHO KILLED AMERICANS AS HIS CLOSE FRIENDS.

    AND FOR OVER 20 YEARS, ODUMA ATTENDED SERVICES WHERE THE MINISTER PREACHED HATE OF BOTH WHITES AND AMERICA!

    SO LOGICALLY, ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS ODUMA MUST NOT HAVE ANY MORE INTEGRITY, HONOR, ETHICS, AND MORALS THAN HE DOES!

    WHICH ARE ZERO!

    Neil C. Reinhardt

    A 77 year old Pro Iraq War Agnostic Atheist Activist, 101st Airborne Vet and a former member of management in some of Top American 500 corporations.

    Also ‘formally’ a Fire Walking, Deep Sea – Scuba Diving, Paratrooping, Bungee Jumping, Spelunking, 1 & 3 Meter Spring Board Diving, Partying & Dancing, Rock Climbing, River Rapid Running, Expert Shooting, Life Saving, Body Surfing and Beach VolleyBall Playing Son of a Beach.

    Still a Truth Telling, Women Chasing (92 times Catching) Iconoclastic, Philosophizing, Crime Stopping, & a “Barking” Grumpy Old “Son Of A Beach.”

    • naturalcynic

      You got the notches on your cock to prove it?

    • http://outofthegdwaye.wordpress.com/ George W.

      Mitt Romney is so boring that when he turns 77 and goes senile his rants are not even in all caps.

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    ANY TIME GEORGE W. OR ANY OTHER RETARD WANTS TO MATCH:

    1. MY IQ AND THE TESTED ABILITY TO EFFECTIVELY USE THE IQ I HAVE,
    WITH THEIRS

    2. BEING AS WELL KNOWN FOR BEING EXTREMELY TRUTHFUL AS I AM,

    3. THE NUMBER OF LIVES I’VE SAVED, CRIMES IN PROGRESS I HAVE STOPPED AND THE NUMBER OF OTHERS I HAVE HELPED.

    BRING IT ON!

    NEXT, OH SO ILLOGICAL ONE.

    BEING BORING IS MANY MANY TIMES BETTER THAN BEING A PROLIFIC AND PATHETIC LYING RACIST LIKE ODUMA IS!

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    HEY NATURALCYNIC

    PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE KNOWN FOR BEING EXTREMELY TRUTHFUL AND WHO WOULD BE MOST HAPPY TO TAKE ANY AND ALL LIE DETECTION TESTS INCLUDING VOICE STRESS, BODY LANGUAGE & MIND MAPPING DO NOT NEED ANY NOTCHES AS THEIR WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH.

    AND WHERE IT SOMETHING TO LIE ABOUT, WHY WOULD IT NOT BE IN THE HUNDREDS, OR THOUSANDS?

  • http://pessah.fr/sex.html Victoria Raven

    I can see why Hillary Scott went onto been a pornstar. Not wanting to sleep with black or saying it will hurt thier carrer isn’t racist. If she on the otherhand said I dont like BLACKS / Neega thats racist but some people dont like different meats. Its called preference guys. Can people actually get a her an education?

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    Here is some TRUTH about Romney

    http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/r/Romney-NYC-Missing-Teen.htm

    And some TRUTH on ODUMA and which received a standing ovation from the National Press Club audience who can not logically, rationally or factually ever possibly be accused of being a front for conservatism.

    [ Video removed by Hank Fox and replaced by YouTube link ]

    http://youtu.be/jOmzTLdr_m4

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    WHILE MOST LIBERALS ACT LIKE THEY ARE TOO DENSE TO BE ABLE TO GRAP THE THE FACTS GEORGE GILDER PRESENTS IN HIS NEW, AND UPDATED, VERISON OF HIS FAMOUS 1980′S BOOK:

    “WEALTH & POVERTY: A NEWS EDITION FOR THE 21ST CENTURY”

    PERHAPS THE REST OF YOU CAN

    IN MY VIEW. THIS GUY IS RIGHT ON THE MARK AND HAS THE FACTS TO PROVE IT.

    THE FACTS ARE:

    IN SOME COUNTIES. LIKE THOSE IN WESTERN EUROPE AND THE US, WE HAVE LEADERS LIKE ODUMA, WHO HAVE THE WRONG IDEA AND WHO DO THE WRONG THINGS!

    THUS, THOSE COUNTRIES HAVE VERY SEVER FINANICAL PROBLEMS

    THEN THERE ARE COUNTRIES WHO HAVE EITHER NEVER SUFFERED FROM THOSE WHO THINK LIKE MOST LIBERALS DO

    OR

    THEY HAVE SUFFERED FROM THEM BEFORE AND HAVE TAKEN STEPS TO SOLVE IT. THESE COUNTRIES ARE ENJOYING GREAT PROSPERTY!

    THE TRUTH IS, IT IS THE LIBERALS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BROKE & UN-PRODUCTIVE CITIES STATES AND COUNTRIES.

    WHILE IT IS THE TEA PARTY TYPE PEOPLE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COUNTRIES WHO HAVE GONE FROM BEING GREAT, TO BEING A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND THEN
    BECOMING A VERY SUCCESSFUL ONE!!!!

    AS NEW ZEALAND HAS DONE IT. THEN SO CAN OTHER COUNTRIES!

  • http://www.AtheistsUnited.org/ Neil C. Reinhardt

    OK, I MAY MISPELL SOME WORDS. BFD!

    LIVE WITH IT!

    ————–
    WHILE MOST LIBERALS ACT (AND WELL MAY BE) AS IF THEY ARE TOO DENSE TO BE ABLE TO GRAP THE FACTS GEORGE GILDER PRESENTS IN HIS NEW, AND UPDATED VERISON OF HIS FAMOUS 1980′S BOOK:

    “WEALTH & POVERTY: A NEWS EDITION FOR THE 21ST CENTURY”

    PERHAPS THE REST OF YOU CAN GRASP SUCH THINGS LIKE, “TRUTH, FACTS AND LOGIC!”

    IN MY VIEW. GILDER IS RIGHT ON THE MARK AND HE HAS THE FACTS TO PROVE IT.

    THE TRUTH IS:

    IN WESTERN EUROPE AND THE US, WE HAVE LEADERS LIKE ODUMA, WHO MOSTLY, HAVE THE WRONG IDEAS AND WHO MOSTLY, DO THE WRONG THINGS!

    THUS, WE HAVE THE TERRIBLE FINANICAL PROBLEMS WE NOW HAVE.

    THANKKFULLY, THERE ARE COUNTRIES WHO HAVE EITHER NEVER SUFFERED UNDER THOSE LIKE ODUMA
    OR

    THEY HAVE SUFFERED FROM THEM, YET TAKEN STEPS AND SOLVED IT.

    THESE COUNTRIES ARE, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, ENJOYING GREAT PROSPERTY!

    THE TRUTH IS, IT IS THE LIBERALS WHO ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKE & UN-PRODUCTIVE CITIES, STATES AND COUNTRIES.

    WHILE IT IS THE “TEA PARTY” TYPE PEOPLE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RECOVERY OF COUNTRIES

    ONES WHO HAD GONE FROM BEING GREAT, TO BEING A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND THEN,LED BY “TEA PARTY” PEOPLE, RECOVERING AND THEN BECOMING A VERY SUCCESSFUL COUNTRY.

    WE KNOW THIS IS TRUE AS IT HAS HAPPENED OVER & OVER AGAIN!

    ONE EXAMPLE IS:

    “NEW ZEALAND” AS THEY HAVE DONE IT!!

    SO LOGICALLY OTHER COUNTRIES CAN DO IT AS WELL!

    • Hank Fox

      Neil says:

      IN WESTERN EUROPE AND THE US, WE HAVE LEADERS LIKE ODUMA, WHO MOSTLY, HAVE THE WRONG IDEAS AND WHO MOSTLY, DO THE WRONG THINGS!

      THUS, WE HAVE THE TERRIBLE FINANICAL PROBLEMS WE NOW HAVE.

      Hank answers:

      Neil, the terrible financial problems in the U.S. followed 8 years of Bush. I doubt much of it can be laid on President Obama’s doorstep.

      Also, Neil: You seem genuinely mentally ill to me, and whereas I have some sympathy for you because of that, there’s a limit to how much of your pontificating, all-caps shit I’ll take.

      Lacking facts, reasoned arguments or even good spelling, it appears to me you’re contributing nothing but ugliness.

      Kindly go somewhere where you’re actually wanted.


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