Short Stack #25

Maple Syrup on Pancakes[ Could be some duplicates in here. I’m sorting through an archive of old stuff.  ]

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Yesterday, hackers uncovered a stash of nude pictures of a prominent American political figure. After viewing them, they quietly apologized to Dick Cheney and returned the photos with detailed advice on how to beef up his firewall.

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One day we will be able to upload human consciousness to computers, and achieve virtual immortality. Well, when I say “we,” I mean rich people, corporate CEOs and elected officials. Not you. You get to die. Loser.

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I don’t get why those Nice Christians decided Harry Potter was satanic, but they completely missed Mary Poppins. She was a witch, after all. When she wasn’t entertaining the kids, she probably cavorted naked with demons.

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If Mary Poppins married Poppin Fresh … It’s a damned shame, but she’d be Mary Fresh.

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Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” would be a lot less noteworthy if he’d gone with his first choice of title — “The Yawn.”

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If Kryptonians were giant carnivorous insects, we’d probably feel a lot different about Superman.

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Economy cars should come in the civilian version and the military version. Because I would totally buy a military-grade Smart Car. Vroom, vroom! Pew-pew-pew!

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I think it would be fun to see a TV show called “History’s Assholes.” Dear History Channel …

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If you’re not willing to try Brain Piercing, you’re not hard core.

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Flasher Philosophy: “I’ll show you mine if … Aw, screw it, I’ll just show you mine.”

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Back when the guillotine was so busy during the French Revolution … do you suppose they washed and disinfected the blade after each use?

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Aw, come on. If I was REALLY living in a Fool’s Paradise, there would be a lot more Batman T-shirts, ice cream, water slides and big funny hats. And giggling. A whole lot more giggling.

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Isn’t it funny how much we breed dogs for cuteness, and how little we breed them for intelligence, health or longevity? You’d almost think we were rotten, insensitive sonsofbitches.

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Another great day when, once again, you didn’t wake up with the police pounding on your door. They’re probably still collecting evidence.

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If we had evolved from deer, we’d all get out of school and work for several weeks in the fall, so the guys could scratch their horns against trees, and get in fights.

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In Hell, every meal is gluten-free pizza topped with tofu and quorn.

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I think a baby raccoon would make a very cool pet. If you had time for it. Otherwise it would be a bundle of destruction and mayhem. Almost like a human child.

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Lego porn movies! What? No, it’s not MY idea. It was some other guy. I swear. I still haven’t seen Lego Batman.

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If I ever write my autobiography, I think the title will be “Human As a Second Language.”

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Civilization right now: It’s sort of like we’ve gone camping and woke up in the middle of a mine field. But for the moment, we can’t help but think about how it’s a beautiful sunny day.

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I’ll bet the phrase “the crack of dawn” has an entirely different meaning in drug culture.

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The Canadian surname “Bieber” is taken from an Indian word that translates loosely as “Wait up, guys! I just stepped in something. Oh, jeez, what IS that? It’s all over my moccasin!”

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The Jupiter landings were faked.

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Hints for Future Living #325: If a time traveler asks you the date, remember: Give him the day, month and year, but also be sure to add “A.D.” Then, just to fuck with him, say “A.D. means ‘Alpha Draconis.’ You knew we Dracs took over and killed off all the humans, right?”

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Women on the Klingon homeworld, Qo’noS, are much the same as women on Earth. The one noteworthy difference is, when they fight over shoes at the Bargain Table, there’s a lot more blood.

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Oh. My. God. There are people out there named “Jedidiah Knight.”

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I was about 6 the first time I heard of someone escaping from prison. I remember thinking “How hard is it to keep a human in a cage??” To this day, I’m still sort of boggled by the idea of prison escape. I mean, prison guards have ONE job, and this entire ultra-high-security facility to help them, and they still manage to somehow fuck it up.

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In Heaven, there is a restaurant called “All Your Favorite Foods Ever.” But there’ s a 2 billion year wait.

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A solar eclipse is just a really big animated Venn Diagram. Jeez, I wish you people would just GET OVER IT.

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Wait … Casper, Wyoming doesn’t offer ghost tours?

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When you travel to the Evil Mirror Universe and discover the “you” over there is a truly good human being, it really makes you think.

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Things to say to White People to prove you’re not a bigot:  I love White People’s art! My friend’s grandfather taught me some of your medicine secrets, and now I’m an honorary White Man. I saw that movie where they used White Language in WWII. That was so cool. Were any of your people in that war? Does anybody in your family still speak White?

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I’m imagining a scenario where I’m walking on the street and I see two people approaching with automatic weapons hanging from their shoulders. I quickly realize they’re pro-gun advocates with their rights on full display. With a big cheesy grin, I raise both arms in a triumphant gesture and shout “Second Amendment, meet First Amendment!” as I shoot them the bird from both hands. Would I live?

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I wonder how long it will be until all the mom-and-pop tattoo shops are overtaken by a corporate chain using digitized art and computer-controlled needles? I’m picturing a little side-shop in Wal-Mart, between the nail parlor and the eyeglass place. Five years, tops.

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Children are creepy! They look ALMOST like humans, but they’re small, and they have those big heads.

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I wonder if racehorses feel all smug about how fast they are, and then one day ride in a horse trailer on the highway and look out the window and go “Well, shit.”

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According to TV westerns and action-adventure movies, there is a place on the human chest, somewhere in the vicinity of either shoulder, where a bullet can go through you and you can walk around and talk and even make jokes after. The entrance and exit holes collectively are known as a “flesh wound,” and can be patched with a simple field dressing which, in a pinch, you yourself can hold in place. There are no bones, vital organs, arteries, muscles or major nerves that are seriously injured in such a shooting, and later you have full physical function and live to have other exciting adventures. I think this is probably true. It’s on TV, after all.

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I got a tentative offer from someone who wants to GIVE me a hot air balloon. But it’s still up in the air.

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I hope you atheists weren’t getting all lovey-dovey on Feb. 15. That was SAINT Valentine’s Day, you know, and that makes it a Christian holiday. This was not your day to celebrate. Drop the candy hearts and back away.

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Gift idea for your arachnophobe friends: The Big Pop-Up Fun Book of Giant Venomous Spiders.

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I just hope the food replicators on the Enterprise aren’t hooked up to human waste disintegrators.

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Idea Book: Walking Dead Laser Tag. You field 20 or so zombie players, and they pursue you through 100 acres of hilly, wooded ground, or maybe an abandoned factory. If they touch you, you’re out, and the only way you can take THEM out is with a really precise head shot. The Master Class version that takes place on the Koch Brothers’ estate uses homeless people and real bullets.

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A tattoo is a lot like a baby. Nobody will admit having one is anything but endless joy. Not because they ARE endless joy, but because once you get one, you pretty much have to love it. You can’t take it back. Besides which, nobody will tell you, “Damn, that’s an ugly baby there. You must feel just awful about it.”

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It would be funny if every clown you ever saw in your life was actually in the Witness Protection program. If one of the secrets of Witness Protection was that there was only one profession available — birthday clown. You turn evidence on your mafia boss, and next thing you know, you’re living in Alamogordo, New Mexico, honking a horn and throwing confetti at 5-year-olds. Now you know why there are so many sad clowns.

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But really, how did that jolly swagman get an entire jumbuck in his tucker bag? I say those Australians have to stop relying on faith and admit it never happened.

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Man, the lesbians in Netherlands must just get SICK of the jokes.

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I knew Plato back when he was doing great MONOlogues.

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Lesser-Known Facts #314: If you warm up a penguin to regular room temperature, they explode violently. This is actually how the Tierra del Fuegans held off the Japanese during WWII.

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Sorry, Donald, “But I’m a duck!” just doesn’t cut it. You came here for the benefits of civilization, you wear the goddam pants.

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Yeah, they set off explosives in the Twin Towers. Because just having a jet full of fuel crash into a building is iffy.

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I suppose the main reason I think horses are just about the most visually appealing animal on earth is that I grew up with them. But I still have a hard time imagining that anyone thinks warthogs are beautiful, or hyenas, compared to horses. I suspect squidlike aliens would come to earth and see horses for the first time and go “Ooooh. Those are NICE! Glodnax, take a picture of me with the hor-seez! I want to show Bremzorf when we get back.”

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I think there should be Screen Actors GUILT Awards, where actors self-nominate for various films they’ve been in. For instance, George Clooney might say “I really just feel terrible for doing Batman & Robin. It was totally ludicrous, and I think it shames the entire genre.”

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They taper to a point at the front end. That’s why they’re called “tapirs.”

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If a guy named Bob Smith marries a woman named Becky Smith, how can he be sure she takes his last name? I mean, what if she’s only halfway committed to the marriage, and keeps her own name? I’ll bet the rest of you never even think about this stuff. But somebody has to. For the sake of Bob.

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It would be weird to be a herald. You’d go everywhere with this guy and anytime he was about to walk into an office or store or something, you’d jump out in front of him and yell “Here comes Bob! Bob is about to enter the room! Look everybody, it’s Bob!”

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So it’s Cardinals that choose each new pope, huh? I mean, I knew they were PRETTY birds, but I had no idea they were so smart!

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In other news, Eeyore is now taking anti-depressants, and has been seen dancing and flying kites. He’s also turned out to be quite the jokester among the stuffed animal set, and his braying “Haw! Haw! Haw!” is now frequently heard echoing through the Hundred Acre Wood.

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Wow. There was an advertisement on TV for a show that seemed to be about a sport involving men hitting each other. Who would have thought there would be a sport form of people hitting each other? I wonder what they call it? Maybe it’s just Men Hitting Each Other.

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Few children today are aware there was a much earlier version of Transformers. But you had to climb up an electric company tower to play with them. (Usually there was just that one kid, then nobody tried it again for a few years.)

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I wanted to try the Paleo Diet, but the book I mistakenly picked up was the Palin Diet. Now I feel like going to a pizza place and getting into a brawl.

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If we ever do get World Peace, all those poor beauty contestants will have nothing to wish for.

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Space People, I’m ready to go now. Come get me.

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“Histrionic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people act in a very emotional and dramatic way that draws attention to themselves.” OH MY GOD, WHY WOULD ANYBODY EVEN SAY SUCH A THING!!? IT’S LIKE THEY’RE TARGETING ME!!!!! NOW I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF!!!

I’ve known a few of them.

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To those of us in the US who hear our British friends using the term “Boxing Day” to refer to the day after Christmas: Boxing Day is the traditional event where the entire nation of Great Britain dons boxing gloves and vents the year’s frustrations with their fellow citizens by freely pummeling each other at bus stops, coffee shops, offices and even churches. Queen Elizabeth herself got in some good licks last year on members of Parliament and, it is suspected, the Royal Family. Prince Philip and Prince Charles both showed up at a post-Christmas dinner with split lips and matching shiners, while Her Highness wore a demure, self-satisfied smile.

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Boy, wings were a good idea, weren’t they? Birds have them, insects have them, mammals have them, fish have them, even trees have them (to help seeds spread). There are even reptiles and amphibians with airfoils.

There’s a lesson there somewhere. Probably a physics lesson.

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When Godzillah stomps down the pedestrian-filled streets of Tokyo, it probably feels like walking on bubble wrap.

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I heard Mexico is so angry at Obama for normalizing relations with Cuba that they’re taking back Taco Bell.

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Places I have been: 1) Trantor 2) Middle Earth 3) Krypton 4) Dragon’s Egg 5) The On-Off Star 6) Pandora 7) Arrakis 8) Zarathustra (Little Fuzzy’s world) 9) Jupiter 10) Vulcan 11) Tralfamadore 12) Pern 13) Oz 14) Planet Bob 15) Narnia 16) Riverworld 17) Valdemar 18) Discworld (!) 19) Landover 20) Barsoom 21) Ringworld 22) The Smoke Ring 23) The Fleet of Worlds 24) Xanth 25) Phaze/Proton

Earth has some cool things to recommend it, but there’s no way I’m staying here permanently.

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Did you know novelists just MAKE SHIT UP?? I don’t know how anybody could think that was a good thing. And it’s like they DON’T EVEN CARE that people know.

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It’s not shepherd’s pie if you don’t use real German shepherds.

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At the Open Carry convention, “He walked out on stage and blew everyone away” has a slightly different meaning.

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Lamb chops, ugh! I had lamb ONCE and my stomach said Never Again. In Texas where I grew up, I think you can actually get arrested for eating sheep. The only way we Texans eat sheep is to let the coyotes eat them first, and then eat the coyotes, skin on, in a sauce made out of grizzly testicles cooked with a flamethrower.

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It’s not RE-venge if you only do it the one time.

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I still can’t decide between being a cowboy and a karate expert. I mean, on the one hand, you get to go Yee-HAA! But on the other, you can go Hee-YAA!

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Interesting. I just looked up the word “denigrate.” Turns out the word does actually spring from a Latin root that means “to blacken.” Now all us liberals can cringe and look around every time we use it.

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Technically, nobody gets hurt when you flip the bird at a blind person. But it’s still probably a bad idea.

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There’s a new diet out that’s so easy, it will take the fat away whether you like it or not. In fact, you will have to fight to stay heavy. You will have to run and hide so the diet doesn’t find you and suck you down to nothing. You will have to take out a restraining order and hire a bodyguard to keep this diet from taking off the weight. If you even THINK about using this diet, the neighbors three houses over will look like death camp survivors. This diet is so effective it will suck the donuts out of a cop’s mouth as you drive past on the freeway. This diet is so powerful that when they tested it on a hippo, he ended up looking like a thoroughbred race horse. Okay, I’m stopping now. But you should probably send me $9.95 anyway.

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Antikythera. I say it was the targeting mechanism for a time-travel device. And somebody didn’t make it home.

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I’m surprised piercing fans haven’t explored the body mod possibilities of the nail gun. It’s practically a no-brainer.

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I don’t know why Thor’s hammer is made of Uru rather than thorium. I mean, come on.

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Just remember you’re not the only one who’s survived a severe accident and gone on to do stuff. I broke my neck when I was 15 and I’ve never looked back!

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If you ever find yourself in a horror movie: 1) Don’t back through any doorways. 2) If the monster is out there somewhere, don’t pause to make out. 3) Next time, get a better flashlight. 4) After the monster is dead, don’t turn your back on it.

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If iPhones exist, why is there still Radio Shack?

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On Coyote Planet, when you go to the fast food drive-thru, they release a rabbit into the driveway as you pull up. You run over it, then get out and eat it off the pavement. Extra napkins, please.

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When I was a kid, I was so sensitive to bullying I didn’t like referring to those specialty pliers as “needle-nose.”

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If the poles shift, I say we cut off all aid to Poland. We shouldn’t encourage all this moving around.

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When they know nobody can overhear them, the superheroes who can fly make fun of those who can’t.

FLIGHT-SHAMING. It’s the ugly little secret of the superhero business.

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Idea Book: Novel: “Worst Contact”

A previously undiscovered tribe is located by aerial surveys of the Amazon. Anthropologists make plans to carefully contact them. But a Madison Avenue PR firm decides to jump in and contact them first, taking bids from companies for which products to introduce them to, and to film their reactions to.

The first two products are Milky Way candy bars and Budweiser beer. The civilized world is captivated by the Amazonians’ filmed astonishment at the irresistibly sweet taste of the candy, and the hilarious effects of the beer. Sales skyrocket, and more companies vie for product placement opportunities. The Amazonians are quickly introduced to such foods as Ranch Style Beans, Armour Vienna Sausage, to Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba bubble gum, and even Marlboro cigarettes.

Soon a reality TV show features an extended Amazonian family, showing family members experimenting with clothes, shoes, modern firearms, fast food. Christian missionaries arrive from the Vatican, and episodes feature the reaction of the Stone Age primitives to the revelations of God and Heaven. iPhones are handed out, and the men of the tribe are directed to first person shooter games, and YouTube videos of twerking. A staffer on the film crew begins distributing heroin to tribal friends, and they begin sneaking off to shoot up, all captured on hidden cameras.

But I think it would all have a happy ending. Probably include a lesson on the Indomitable Spirit of Man or some shit like that.

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Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks and a heart transplant. The way I figure it, he has one Horcrux left, and then he becomes mortal.

Anyone in his neighborhood, look for a large snake that always seems to be close to him.

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If a product is “tainted,” does that mean it has actually come into contact with someone’s taint?

Because I can see why you wouldn’t want something like that.

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Idea Book: Create a puppeteering rig that fits on toddlers, so that you’d have the control yoke in hand above, and the suspended toddler, below, would move as you directed.You could stage entire Shakespearean plays with baby-puppets. Well, sure it’s horrible —to you Earthlings. But galactically, this would be hilarious.

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New Horizons fly-by of Pluto. Great, now the Plutonians know where we are.

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Things Spider-Man hates to hear: “Hey, Spidey! I saw you on the Web the other day! Ha! Get it? I saw you on the WEB! Hahahahaha!!”

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Birthday tip for those of you with werewolf friends: Don’t buy them a squeaky bone chew toy. Apparently that’s insulting or something.

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Anyone going to be executed should be given a massive dose of hallucinogens an hour or so before. Because if you’re going to die, you might as well do it defending the gentle residents of the planet Zeenot from the Tark4eaan bloodmonkeys.

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Think about it: If we ever worked out direct brain-to-brain communication, we could have books written by and for babies who can’t talk yet. I think “Mommy’s Ta-tas” would be a best seller. There’s even some crossover potential in the older male demographic.

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I wonder how the Sound Technicians feel when you really do drop the mike.

"Best to you, Mr. Fox, and for your efforts."

Goodbye Patheos—Hank Fox Bows Out
"All the best, Hank! Your thoughts and words have always given me something to ponder."

Goodbye Patheos—Hank Fox Bows Out

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