Nihil Humanum

[ I should note that this is from 1997, at the worst of my illness.]

 

 Seven red temptations have I felt:

Of seductive bitterness at the edge

Where I begin to descend into clinging

Fog, turning light grey, dark grey, black.

 

Of relief as I return to my sweet abuser.

 

Of the bright taste of alcohol

After years of brown sobriety

Even knowing I will descend

Into the dull inferno

From which I may never rise again.

 

Of the orange adrenaline of flirting

With a woman I could in fact sleep with

At the risk of my comfortable marriage.

 

Of playing poker with the rent money.

 

Of taking a hit at a party because people

I don’t even like expect me to.

 

Of calling on the coldest spirit I know

To take down him

Whom I believe to be my silver enemy.

 

These temptations are my violet demons,

Real demons in my deafening inferno.

Although I do not want to feel them,

I cannot pretend they are not there.

They may wait, or they may sleep,

But they will never leave.

 

I know the Sidhe may call me at dawn

Or at midnight: I know not to answer

Until my name is called three times.

But my bitter demons attack me

Unexpected at mid-day, disguised

As what I most desire.

Then I must give up pride,

Reach out for an angel: they also

Walk among us disguised,

Or invisible, guarding our freedom.

 

To defeat my colorful demons,

I must drag them into the light,

Own them, recognize them as myself.

If I do this on my own, I’ll be

Overwhelmed by the blackness within me.

To stand against the storm, I must

Have help from other sufferers,

Angels, Gods: whomever I can trust.

There’s a reason for churches.

 

Zarathushtra had a point:

I am the pungent battlefield

Where good and evil wage their endless war.

Observe my lunar craters, shells

Of buildings, stumps, decaying corpses.

 

If someday there is peace, I hope

To rebuild my blue acropolis,

Kneel in the ivory temple,

Light a green candle,

Pray to be safe, and loved, and useful,

And then, perhaps, ascend

Into Purgatory.

"As a Witch of my entire life, there is misinformation here. The term "Witch" does ..."

What Is a Witch?
"Fascinating research, thanks for posting! An aside - is your family related to Walt Kelly? ..."

About Naming Ostara, Litha, and Mabon
"Thank you for this. I've been curious as to your reasoning ever since discovering that ..."

About Naming Ostara, Litha, and Mabon
"I find your contribution to not only have an overt solution but also to have ..."

About Naming Ostara, Litha, and Mabon

Browse Our Archives



What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment