I’ve been pissed at myself as of late. You see, I’m a grown ass man, and I can’t seem to will myself into waking up when I so choose. For the past several months I’ve been trying to work myself towards getting up and out of bed at 5:00am. I mean, I’ve done it – woken at 5:00am; I just have yet to do it on a consistent basis. Doing this isn’t a small change, it’s a complete overhaul in one’s lifestyle.
And, lets be honest, it’s not just waking up when I so choose that I struggle with; it’s eating healthily, working out regularly, posting and writing daily. It’s as if anything that might aid, or benefit my existence or improve my overall quality of life, I cannot maintain for elongated periods of time.
I think the word is “exasperating.”
It’s weird how hard it is to control our own actions on a consistent day-to-day basis; making instantaneous life altering changes is painstakingly frustrating. And, here’s the thing: It’s not that I’m inconsistent in life; it’s that I have been ridiculously consistent in my undying devotion to all of my hugely embarrassing flaws and continuous lack of ability to adult correctly. #ExtendedAdolescence
I whole heartedly believe that the ability to determine and limit activity by deferring the possibility of instantaneous gratification is what will bring us freedom, joy, and a better quality of life (i.e. success). I also wholeheartedly believe that energy is an absolute necessity towards having the daily ability to determine and limit ones activity. And, that doing this with consistency requires counterintuitively the ability to extend oneself loads of grace and empathy.
“A being is free only when it can determine and limit its activity.”
– Karl Barth
I think, and maybe I’m wrong, we’re all doing the best we possibly can; considering the resources given, we might not be at our full potential, but we’re doing the best with what we have and are capable of doing.When I take a step back and I assess my situation with the knowledge of my own life that I have. I see that my situation is unprecedented. There’s the online facade in which I’ve so meticulously curated to convince the world that I’m okay; and, then there’s reality. I think that not just me, but far too many of us mix up our online persona with our real life circumstances; we do it with others (e.g. celebrities, co-workers, Facebook friends), and then we turn around and do it to ourselves. It’s crushing; the opposite of encouraging.
What if it’s not our lack of self discipline that’s keeping us from reaching whatever our goals might be, and making us so incredibly miserable; what if it’s our overwhelming amount of self-inflicted hatred that’s lead to such self-defeating behaviors.
If you’re not doing exactly what you should, that’s okay. It’s a thin line between succumbing to laziness and striving after your full potential.
So, if you’re anything like me “making the same obvious mistakes over and over, dating imbeciles, endlessly relapsing into their dumb addictions and self-defeating habits, blind to their own hilarious flaws and blatant contradictions and fiercely devoted to whatever keeps them miserable…” then, take a step back and look at your circumstances. We’re all tired. Taking on our circumstances of poverty, dealing with illnesses (both physical and mental and equal to each other in severity).
I think the answer is more grace as opposed to our usual self-defeating habit of self-inflicted hatred and inner verbal abuse. But, then again, what do I know, I’m just a grown ass man coloring in his blanket fort…
 Tim Kreider