Tom Brady versus Jesus Christ

Tom Brady versus Jesus Christ January 27, 2018

Tom Brady describes his spirituality as a bit uncertain and eclectic. Raised Roman Catholic, he now seems to be firmly in the “spiritual but not religious” camp.

Many people leave the church of their childhood. Few of those apostates, however, dedicate their professional lives to contravening the teachings of Jesus, however. Brady is one of those few.

Photo by Brad Muckenthaler, https://www.flickr.com/photos/maizenbluenation/29670423041/
Photo by Brad Muckenthaler, https://www.flickr.com/photos/maizenbluenation/29670423041/

As Tom Brady gets ready for his twenty-second Super Bowl, I have completed a careful analysis of the many ways that New England’s quarterback violates the savior’s most-cherished teachings.

Jesus said, “the last will be first, and the first will be last.” That’s obviously not the Tom Brady way. Most teams in the NFL follow the Christian approach to winning and losing. They go up and down. The San Francisco Forty-Niners and Dallas Cowboys have been at the top and the bottom over the past few decades. Many teams go “worst to first” or the other way around, at least within their divisions. That’s what Jacksonville did in 2016-2017. Not the New England Patriots (or the Cleveland Browns, but that’s another story). In the most un-Christian manner possible, Brady’s team always finishes first. They have won their division every year since the assassination of William McKinley except for the one year Brady was injured.

Jesus said, “In everything do to others as you would have them do to you.” Jesus did not say “in everything except football games.” He said in everything. If your team was on the verge of its first Super Bowl victory ever, would you want the opposing quarterback to crush your dreams with the most improbable comeback in the history of sport? Of course not. Tom Brady is a cruel athlete. He routinely allows other teams to get out in front precisely to the point of believing that they have finally defeated him, then wins the game in miracle fashion. That’s Golden Boy, not the Golden Rule.

“In humility regard others as better than yourselves,” instructs the Apostle Paul, stating that to do so is to have the “same mind … that was in Christ Jesus.” Tom Brady is not a humble man. Not at all. Not only is he the GQOAT, he knows that he is the GQOAT. What about the other quarterbacks that have passed through New England in recent years? Did Tom Brady regard them as better than himself? No! Even as he approaches Social Security eligibility, does he offer to step aside so that other quarterbacks might get a chance to play? No! Like Sarah looked at Hagar, Brady looks at them with contempt until they are traded.

“It will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven,” Jesus said. How hard? A lot harder than overcoming a 28-3 Super Bowl deficit! Now, you might want to give Tom Brady credit for taking a salary of only $14 million. (Contracts in the NFL are more complicated than the authorship of Isaiah; the $14 million is Brady’s 2017 “cap hit,” not necessary everything he’ll be paid in 2017). You might wonder how Kirk Cousins, Joe Flacco, and Carson Palmer scored $10 million more than the GQOAT in 2017. That is a complete mystery. However, the Bible rewards the widow for giving her whole mite, not Tom Brady for taking less than his $237 million/year market value.

Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near,” said Jesus. The Son of God was actually rather big on repentance. Tom Brady, not so much. After he hammered a nail into Andrew Luck’s football while the Colts quarterback tried to understand how it was that he trailed 95-7 in the 2015 AFC Championship Game, Brady did not so much as say sorry. Some excuse Brady’s actions with the argument that he merely works for the “man of sin.” Even as a pawn of the evil one, though, he should take some responsibility for his actions.

Now, you might ask how it is that someone who so blatantly disregards or perhaps purposely transgresses the teachings of Jesus could be so incredibly successful. Well, look, Tim Tebow is a living refutation of the prosperity gospel applied to professional football. As Jesus said, God sends rains on the just and the unjust. For some reason, he makes it pour in Foxborough.

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