See the Good in Others

May 2, 2012 By 93 Comments

What do you notice in people?
The Practice:
See the good in others.
Why?

Many interactions these days have a kind of bumper-car quality to them. At work, at home, on the telephone, via email: we sort of bounce off of each other while we exchange information, smile or frown, and move on. How often do we actually take the extra few seconds to get a sense of what’s inside other people – especially their good qualities?

In fact, because of what scientists call the brain’s “negativity bias” (you could see my talk at Google for more on this), we’re most likely to notice the bad qualities in others rather than the good ones: the things that worry or annoy us, or make us critical.

Unfortunately, if you feel surrounded by lots of bad or at best neutral qualities in others, and only a sprinkling of dimly-sensed good ones, then you naturally feel less supported, less safe, and less inclined to be generous or pursue your dreams. Plus, in a circular way, when another person gets the feeling that you don’t really see much that’s good in him or her, that person is less likely to take the time to see much that’s good in you.

Seeing the good in others is thus a simple but very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Generosity, Happiness, Heart, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 93 Comments

Stay Right When You’re Wronged

April 17, 2012 By 79 Comments

What happens after you’re mistreated?
The Practice:
Stay right when you’re wronged.
Why?

It’s easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test is when they treat you badly.

Think of times you’ve been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones. Maybe someone stole something , turned others against you, broke an agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.

When things like these happen, I feel mad, hurt, startled, wounded, sad. Naturally it arises to want to strike back and punish, get others to agree with me, and make a case against the other person in my own mind.

These feelings and impulses are normal. But what happens if you get caught up in reactions and go overboard? (Which is different from keeping your cool, seeing the big picture, and acting wisely – which we’ll explore below.) There’s usually a release and satisfaction, and thinking you’re justified. It feels good.

For a little while.

But bad things usually follow. The other person overreacts, too, in a vicious cycle. Other people – relatives, friends, co-workers – get involved and muddy the water. You don’t look very good when you act out of upset, and others remember. It gets harder to work through the situation in a reasonable way. After the dust settles, you feel bad inside.

As the Buddha said long ago, “Getting angry with another person is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” You can see much the same thing internationally. Gandhi put it so well: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

Sure, you need to clarify your position, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, speak truth to power. The art – and I’m still working on it, myself! – is to do these things without the fiery excesses that have bad consequences for you, others, and our fragile planet. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Heart, Inner Peace, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , 79 Comments

Wake Up ! Tour : Mindfulness for Young People ( 17 – 35)

April 12, 2012 By 18 Comments

SAN FRANCISCO — Mindfulness: have you heard the word?

It’s a vital way of learning how to understand, accept, and realize our mind’s true nature. It’s about being fully alive in the present moment (the only moment ever available for us to be alive). To be honest, being in the present is also about learning to return to the present : our bodies are in the present, but our untamed mind can wander in 1,000 directions. (You’ve noticed?) Yet all you need to enjoy mindfulness is

  • a pause
  • a smile &
  • ± 3 conscious breaths

(Try it! Go ahead … right now. Breathe — you are alive. O taste and see. )

This blueprint for true happiness has numerous applications in everyday, workaday life. Google, for instance, with the Center for Contemplative Mind in Society, is launching a program this month for business leaders, entitled Search Inside Yourself (SIY).

In America, mindfulness became widely known through its miraculous results in medicine, spearheaded by Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn. Daniel Goleman is another pioneer in this field, popularizing mindfulness’ twin: “emotional intelligence.” Another such pioneer is the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh ( say “tick not hawn”— close enough), Vietnamese Zen master whom the The New York Times ranks second to HH The Dalai Lama. In 1996, he published a manual entitled The Miracle of Mindfulness that’s still considered a cornerstone of what’s now a burgeoning movement.

After decades of bringing mindfulness to millions, Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh has declared his #1 objective as bringing it to young people. It’s good medicine for what’s becoming a devastating trend. This month’s horrible catastrophe at Oikos University in Oakland is but a sad case in point. (Oikos, by the way, is Greek for house, from which we get the words ecology, and economy. This begs us to ask : Is our house in order?

Tragic as that is, indeed, no less shocking is teen suicide: the fourth leading cause of death for children between 15 to 24; for those between 10 and 14, it’s third. These harsh statistics point to young people’s inability to handle their mind, their difficult emotions.

Hence comes this project of bringing mindfulness to kids — and the rest of us. It’s called: Wake up! Two weeks ago, there was a related, massive sit in at Trafalgar Square, London. This Wednesday, there was an evening at Zen Center, beginning at 7pm [my comments follow hereinbelow].

Youth is like a tree growing on the side of cliff, in the face of hard storms. When the tree cannot take refuge in its roots, branches break — and everyone is affected. Wake Up!! can furnish us with the resources we need to restore ourselves in our solidity, peace, and joy. Giving this precious gift to our children, is ensuring a future can be possible.

For information and schedule of the tour, please visit Wake Up!’s website: http://us.wkup.org/

______________________________________

Former Patheos Buddhism editor, Gary Gach is author of The Complete Idiot’s to Buddhism, third edition (Nautilus Book Award), and editor of What Book!? ~ Buddha Poems from Beat to Hiphop (American Book Award). His work has also appeared in numerous magazines and anthologies, including The Atlantic, BuddhaDharma, Harvard Divinity Review, Language for a New Century, The New Yorker, Technicians of the Sacred, Tricycle, and Yoga Journal. A member of the Order of Interbeing, he facilitates a mindfulness practice and a creativivity group in San Francisco. Visit http://word.to.

Copyright © 2012, Gary Gach

Filed Under: Happiness, Heart, Inner Peace, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 18 Comments
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