I haven’t meant to go so long between posts. We are in our house, but internet doesn’t start until tomorrow, and we’re still in that chaotic, seemingly never-ending period of unpacking, sorting, finding, organizing, etc. This is by far my most challenging and taxing move yet. Each day gets better (I tell myself). I love our new home and I think Olympia is already a great fit for us.
I think about this blog and this project often. As annoying as moving in the middle of it has been, it actually seems appropriate that I’ve moved during Christianity. Moving houses, moving towns, moving countries is an act of discomfort. I’m out of my normal, my usual patterns thrown off – for better and for worse. Christianity, which once was my normal, is now most definitely not part of my comfort zone. In an academic, purely head-oriented space, I can cope just fine – dare I say, I can even add some thoughtful, unique perspective to the conversation! But on a personal, practical level, I am recoiling from practicing. For a while I was praying some Christian prayers. But they don’t feel right. I still pray the Hail Mary and the ‘Holy Mighty’ one. But the Our Father and the Jesus Prayer just don’t feel honest.
I find myself ‘writing’ posts in my head at night, when I’m awake nursing the baby or just can’t get back to sleep. I’ve been working on my story, my ‘witness’ and journey in Christianity, for three weeks now! This reluctance is good information. I never expected this to be so challenging!
No new insights, no information on Christianity…..yet. Once things settle down and we get internet and a table and chairs I’ll be more able to post regularly. I have unpacked (though not organized) my books. There is a lot of excellent fodder there for posts. I hope to read some books, new ones to me and old favorites, and see what my reactions are now. Even with the last two quarters I had no idea how fully I have embraced what can be termed non-dual polytheism – if that’s even the correct terminology! But I am most certainly no longer a monotheist, a classical theist, a Christian, an Abrahamic follower of the Book.
I miss my gods and spirits. I miss my tools and practices. And as I settle into another new community, I miss my friends. I’m grateful so much of the Feri and Pagan world is online because I look forward to reconnecting that way. And I am also remembering so many of my Christian friends, people I’ve not really been in touch with well for the last decade or so, and I’m missing them too.
What I’m realizing is that even though I have no love for Yahweh and don’t want to be a Christian, there are parts that I might be able to embrace, points of contact where I could share a prayer, a wish, a sentiment. I view Christianity now as just one of many religions, and Yahweh just one of many gods. He’s just not MY god. While my Christian friends see things as either Yahweh or no god at all, I see just how fully Pagan my world view is now. And I look back on some parts of my spiritual past with fondness. I see that I was wearing ill-fitting shoes for a long time, but though I may appear fickle I’m really intensely loyal and I gave Christianity my all and best efforts for a long time. I’m glad that even as I recognize my discomfort then and now, I can still look back with some affection for people and practices of my past.
I guess that even though I’m not ‘doing’ or practicing, I’m still gaining a lot from this quarter.