A post in which I am all kinds of vague and mangle a metaphor about traffic lights.
Some readers might remember that I had a very, very challenging summer last year. This year is only slightly better. Last summer was far too busy and physically and emotionally overwhelming. This summer is far less physically taxing, but is equally emotionally challenging. I am feeling the emotional fall out – finally – from the heartbreak of the last twelve months. I am in the middle of excavating old wounds and nasty patterns with my husband. I am reaching out to forge new relationships. It’s all hard, but necessary and rewarding, work.
I privilege relationships above all else. What I am finding this summer is that this may not be wise all the time. I also privilege what I call ‘the Magic.’ Other people might call it flow, synchronicity, timing, luck, coincidence, or the Current. Once I started really listening and looking for this in my life, I found that strange and beautiful doors began opening. My life took on even more adventure. Obstacles weren’t as large or as stubborn anymore.
So I’m listening and looking even more keenly these days. What I’m seeing is that the work I’m doing personally around my relationships is necessary, but there are no green lights at this time. What I’m seeing is that the areas of my life that I want to be open and moving forward are not. I’m not getting No’s; I’m getting Not Right Now’s, lots of orange lights. I have to wait. My pushing is not helping; it’s only making certain things worse.
All of my relationships are highlighting things I need to work on: patience, trust, being vulnerable, reaching out. Can I trust the Magic? Can I trust my partner? Can I keep showing up with openness and meet my friends where they’re at? Can I trust the people in my life to show up for me and accept me as I am, mess and all? In addition to relationship stuff, my family is house hunting and having next to no luck. Can I trust here too? Can I trust the spell work I’ve done around it? Can I trust the timing will work out?Everything is about trust for me right now.
As I wrote that last sentence I was flooded with weariness. I don’t trust very easily. I don’t think the world is out to get me, but I’m always on point, guards up. I’m always showing up for others, not asking -or expecting- others to show up for me. I’m always working too hard: not to be forgotten, to push things through, to make things happen for myself. I have to let go. I have to trust.
The green lights in my life are all professional. I keep ignoring them, because I privilege other areas of my life. I think it’s a human trait to try to avoid the uncomfortable ares of our selves and our lives and stick to what we’re good at. I am not being allowed that right now. For over a year now I have been offered one excellent opportunity after another. I’ve turned several down. The time is come to stop that and to embrace the Magic where it is. Getting more serious about my personal spiritual practices and my writing involves a healthy dose of trust and vulnerability. It’s not just relationships that require these things.
So this weekend, as one thing after another fails to go according to plan (I’m not in Canada, for one), I realize that I’ve been revving to go at lights that, while not red, are merely at orange. I need to focus on the green lights. Orange lights are temporary. Revving won’t make them turn green any faster.
I have to trust that attending to these green lights will lead to more green lights down the road.