In Defense of Things

There's an adrenaline surge available to the essayist (a "bum under the conviction that writing 1000 word segments makes him or her a productive member of society, see: Unemployed, Oddities of Evolution"), that rivals that of Bruce Wayne as he climbed out of the Lazarus Pit. It's the thrill of an Impossible Title.I'm told that others enjoy crystal meth, car chases, the coming apocalypse, or some healthy combination of the three. The essayist gets his head-rush by waking up at 11:23, drinking … [Read more...]

How to suck at your religion

Oh dear. Matthew Inman of the marvelous web-comic, The Oatmeal, seems to have experienced that exquisite twitch all modern atheists are doomed to experience -- the I-know-what's-best-for-you-silly-religious-people-come-heed-me spasm. This particular train of thought requires the thinker ignore the vast majority of Christian belief -- which is entrenched in reason -- and focus solely on minority caricatures of the creationist or the wailing-out evangelical, caricatures firmly established and gro … [Read more...]

Catholics For Choice

You guys crack me up. You're clearly putting a crap-ton of money into your Facebook ad campaigns, enough for me to get treated to them every freaking time I log on to poke my friends. And I'll admit it -- I was proud of you at first. You've got beautiful pictures of young, lively minorities, giving me the pleasant impression that Catholics for Choice are a far more inclusive and joy-filled bunch than Us Normal Catholics. Good stuff. But forgive me friends, for I'm a curious kid. So I took one of … [Read more...]

Dear Planned Parenthood…

...stop killing girls.Why? Well I can't believe I have to say it -- and I could have sworn we went over this in the sixties and seventies -- but girls are wonderful, beautiful creatures, equal in dignity to men.To perform an abortion on the sole basis that the human being inside the mother's womb is -- God forbid -- female, well that's what we call sexism.Please do stop.Everyone else -- ye who think perhaps gendercide isn't such a fabulous idea: sign the petition. Share … [Read more...]

Naked Men

I wrote this as a guest post for The Art of Manliness, only to find that they are no longer accepting guest submissions. I hope it won't seem too out of place here then:I think it's fair to say that the average man exposed to the above advertisement is either: a) uproariously amused, under the impression that it is fake or b) painfully creeped out, under the realization that it is real or c) a little of both. As it turns out, the advertisement is real.As men, we need to confront … [Read more...]

Planned Parenthood’s 40 Days of Prayer

True to their aging, crippled form, Planned Parenthood has left me speechless. Not because they're too offensive, but because they're too embarrassing for words. They've given me 347 ways to mock them, all at once, and I'm left feeling like a hyperactive kid in a candy store.I speak, of course, of a California Planned Parenthood's awkward attempt at setting up 40 Days of prayer for abortion.And it truly is an Attempt. These old folks have no idea what prayer is, much less abortion. As ev … [Read more...]

3 Failed Attempts to Troll the Catholic Church

I got my forehead ashed, pulled out my self-flagellation whips, gave up writing for a bit, and BAM! the awkward enemies of Catholicism descended. Coincidence? Absolutely.Anyhow, I'm here to summarize just how terribly our enemies have failed to troll the Church these past few weeks. I'll grant their rage was apocalyptic. (Enough to scare an Episcopal, even.) But it was all sound and fury -- signifying nothing, affecting nothing, doing nothing except strengthen my conviction that in this … [Read more...]

Is Contraception a Right?

Let's get something clear as swiftly as possible:I'll be referring to the HHS Mandate with the understanding that Obama's compromise hasn't changed the moral situation one iota.The shrillest of the various cries demanding that faithful Catholic institutions pay for the contraceptives, abortifacents, and sterilizations of their clients goes something like this: "Women have a right to contraception! The Catholic Church is taking away women's rights!"The majority of individuals who … [Read more...]

Nancy Pelosi Claims Your Support

At last Wednesday’s White House press briefing, a CNS reporter asked Nancy Pelosi -- a self-claimed devout Catholic -- if she would stand with the Church and oppose the HHS contraceptive mandate as an assault on religious freedom. In summary:Pelosi, listen. You are not with your fellow Catholics. Having the blessing of being a Catholic myself -- though admittedly not a devout Catholic -- I can't help but take offense that you included me in your crazy, deluded circle, along with all t … [Read more...]

Our Culture Sucks

Our sexually-liberated culture is a joke. That is to say, it is "a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline" (Merriam-Webster). Yep, there's a punchline at the end of The Sexual Revolution, if ever a punchline made you sob, throw up, and hate yourself for the rest of the week. It is this: We're all Puritans! Again!Not in our actions, mind you, but in our reaction to the fact of the human body. Sure, the Sixties revolted away from … [Read more...]