Airports and Giveaways!

So here I am, writing from Chicago, having been lovingly fondled by the TSA for having a Marian Consecration chain around my ankle, which set off the deadly-weapon detector ("Can you take it off for me?" I dunno man, can you divorce your wife for me?). Honestly, I've never had my inner thighs given so much attention.I am being molested in Chicago because I really want to get to Duluth Minnesota, so I can make a film for the American Academy of Fertility Care Professionals there, so they can … [Read more...]

Realer Than Real

I never really did understand the following complaint made against Catholicism: that it all could be a lie, a clever trick, a joke no one knows who started, with a punchline that never comes. (Have you ever come across the rather interesting atheistic argument in this vein; that maybe the Evangelists just wrote the Gospels for kicks?) No, there's no part of our stodgy old religion that seems particularly deceptive, what with a million books explaining every minute detail and children's … [Read more...]

Suffer On

About two weeks ago, sitting on my front porch and deep-talkin', a dear friend of mine - who plays a dirty blues guitar and has a deep and abiding love of The White Stripes -  relayed to me a conversation he'd had that I've been reflecting on ever since. The topic was Zen Buddhism. Now it came up that, somewhere in Tibet, there was a group of monks who had, by all accounts, done it, found The Answer, achieved Enlightenment and reached Nirvana. Whatever they termed it, it all amounts to this; th … [Read more...]

Because Catholics Are Dead

Why Aren't You Catholic? is still going strong! If you are not Catholic, and would like to explain why you have found that to be the best choice in your life, feel free to share! I will post on anything that isn't incoherent.In the meantime, from an Anonymous (how I wish he were otherwise, so I could send this to him)."...you can't possibly know how badly I wish I could believe like you guys. I know these 4 things with unshakable certainty. There has never been an extended time in … [Read more...]

The Crookedhart Emails – Re: Catholics Cheat!

Dear Rothoof,The first thing I would like to strike from your mind is the idea that, since your man is Catholic, you have to change your game. While it's true, Catholics have infuriating quirks and delicious weaknesses that must be taken into account, the basics stay the same, the Infernal Catechism still applies: Make him sin.I took the liberty of checking your man's file, and I see that upon becoming Catholic, he has made some renewal, some promise to put a stop to the sexual sins that … [Read more...]

The Crookedhart Emails – Introduction

Dear Rothoof,May I begin by saying you're a damned fool? (The 'damned', of course, was my attempt at humor, for - as we all know - Our Kingdom Below is the only place where intelligence and sanity still reign, and really, it's the Place We Left that holds the damned, under the iron rule of Our Stupid Enemy.)But you truly are a fool. Your man has become a Catholic, primarily as a result of your lazy negligence. I specifically told you to be wary of the influence of his grandmother; or do you not … [Read more...]

Good Work

Dear Catholic artists, musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers, architects, bloggers, designers and everyone else. C.S. Lewis has something extremely important to tell you. Listen. Until quite recently - until the latter part of the last century - it was taken for granted that the business of the artist was to delight and instruct his public. There were, of course, different publics; the street-songs and the oratorios were not addressed to the same audience (though I think a good many … [Read more...]

Why I Wrote…

...A Crazy Tale, and thus submitted you to a post far longer than the internet's attention span can handle. (Hey look! Something shiny!) If you have not read A Crazy Tale, then don't read this until you do, you uncool ignoramus.I was having a great conversation with a girl interested in Catholicism, while we busted suds during an evening shift. She had attended her boyfriend's Confirmation mass, and was letting me in on her experience, which had been wonderful. She didn't have any clue what was … [Read more...]

A Crazy Tale

I was sitting in the bar, a little miserable and bored, idly flicking peanuts at the bartender, when the door burst open and a man, breathing heavily, soaked and tousled from the storm outside took the seat beside me, ordered a rather inappropriate amount of whiskey and began to weep, snort, and otherwise express disbelief in some event that had - assumedly - just occurred. Thinking his mother must have died, and, wishing to do him some kindness, I asked "Rough night?" with what I … [Read more...]

Flogging a Dead Philosopher

Never trust the philosophy of a man with amustache wider than his face.The submissions flew in witty and quick after I left you to respond to the Nietzsche quote: "After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands." They were all brilliant, but I narrowed it down to a few of my my favorites. Thus, I present to you an Exuberant and Witty Dance Upon the Grave of the Ubermensch:"After coming into contact with an atheist man, I always feel I must … [Read more...]


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