The Crookedhart Emails – Re: Catholics Cheat!

Dear Rothoof,The first thing I would like to strike from your mind is the idea that, since your man is Catholic, you have to change your game. While it's true, Catholics have infuriating quirks and delicious weaknesses that must be taken into account, the basics stay the same, the Infernal Catechism still applies: Make him sin.I took the liberty of checking your man's file, and I see that upon becoming Catholic, he has made some renewal, some promise to put a stop to the sexual sins that … [Read more...]

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The Crookedhart Emails – Introduction

Dear Rothoof,May I begin by saying you're a damned fool? (The 'damned', of course, was my attempt at humor, for - as we all know - Our Kingdom Below is the only place where intelligence and sanity still reign, and really, it's the Place We Left that holds the damned, under the iron rule of Our Stupid Enemy.)But you truly are a fool. Your man has become a Catholic, primarily as a result of your lazy negligence. I specifically told you to be wary of the influence of his grandmother; or do you not … [Read more...]

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Good Work

Dear Catholic artists, musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers, architects, bloggers, designers and everyone else. C.S. Lewis has something extremely important to tell you. Listen. Until quite recently - until the latter part of the last century - it was taken for granted that the business of the artist was to delight and instruct his public. There were, of course, different publics; the street-songs and the oratorios were not addressed to the same audience (though I think a good many … [Read more...]

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Why I Wrote…

...A Crazy Tale, and thus submitted you to a post far longer than the internet's attention span can handle. (Hey look! Something shiny!) If you have not read A Crazy Tale, then don't read this until you do, you uncool ignoramus.I was having a great conversation with a girl interested in Catholicism, while we busted suds during an evening shift. She had attended her boyfriend's Confirmation mass, and was letting me in on her experience, which had been wonderful. She didn't have any clue what was … [Read more...]

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A Crazy Tale

I was sitting in the bar, a little miserable and bored, idly flicking peanuts at the bartender, when the door burst open and a man, breathing heavily, soaked and tousled from the storm outside took the seat beside me, ordered a rather inappropriate amount of whiskey and began to weep, snort, and otherwise express disbelief in some event that had - assumedly - just occurred. Thinking his mother must have died, and, wishing to do him some kindness, I asked "Rough night?" with what I … [Read more...]

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Flogging a Dead Philosopher

Never trust the philosophy of a man with amustache wider than his face.The submissions flew in witty and quick after I left you to respond to the Nietzsche quote: "After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands." They were all brilliant, but I narrowed it down to a few of my my favorites. Thus, I present to you an Exuberant and Witty Dance Upon the Grave of the Ubermensch:"After coming into contact with an atheist man, I always feel I must … [Read more...]

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Get Religion

It was Mr. Hitchens who recently wrote that the greatest weapon of the atheist was the "ironic mind" against the literal, and I, after briefly and in passing asking myself "what the hell is the man talking about?" and stubbornly continuing the practice of what he would later term as the "cult of death and human sacrifice", have decided that I agree, but for all sorts of reasons Mr. Hitchens would be annoyed with.Not to isolate all you science majors out there -  I trust that whatever it is … [Read more...]

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First Person Balogney

"By the way, the King James Bible is the only reliable English Bible that hasn't been corrupted by Satan." - some fundamentalist dudeI was driving down an awfully boring strip of road, or up it, I suppose, depending on whether you are happily waiting me approach the capital of the south, Richmond, or despondently watching me recede into the distance from Ruckersville, the capital of incredibly large portions of meat at Jinya's infamous Pig n' Steak. In one shape or form, I was moving, … [Read more...]

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On Gardens

in which I take a slight detour from How To Be Human...What Matt touches upon is what was being gently revealed to me, last night, as I watched The Passion of the Christ: Our God loves gardens. There's a part in that unapologetically awesome movie I used to think was a mere overuse of artistic license; when Satan sends a snake from under his robes to the Christ laying prostrate in prayer in the dark blue of Gethsemane. But last night, feeling particularly slow for not … [Read more...]

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Beauty-Addicts

 It is [a] simple truth that man does differ from the brutes in kind and not in degree; and the proof of it is here; that it sounds like a truism to say that the most primitive man drew a picture of a monkey and that it sounds like a joke to say that the most intelligent monkey drew a picture of a man. Something of division and disproportion has appeared; and it is unique. Art is the signature of man. - G.K CHESTERTONNever has humanity been absent of art, mankind devoid of poetry, or a … [Read more...]

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