The Crookedhart Emails – Re: How To Make a Crap Confession

August 8, 2011 By Marc 4 Comments

Dear Rothoof,

You disgust me. Do you even try to get people down here? You keep making the same, classic mistake explained in the Infernal Textbook; Letting sentimentality distract you from reality. Let me remind you of how this mistake works, seeing as you appear to be utterly incapable of retaining information in that thick, angelic head of yours.

A disgustingly Catholic boy meets a delightfully modern, agnostic girl. They become incomprehensibly and embarrassingly in love, and agnostic girl wants to become Catholic. Now sentimentality speaks thus: “The girl is only converting out of love for her boy. We below need not worry, for her faith will be dependent on him, a weak and shallow faith at that.” But reality speaks otherwise.

The reality is that there is always two views to any human action, the apparent and the spiritual. Why Our Enemy created such an awful, incongruous joke is beyond me, but we must remember it. So yes, the apparent view would say that the girl is only converting for her boyfriend. But the spiritual view is this: Our Enemy put that boy in the girl’s life, guided him to her and her to him, and formed her love all for the purpose of ensnaring her, and bringing her closer to him. He really will sink to such depths to bring them to Him. It is an idiot who only sees the apparent view.

I love idiot humans and so it’s something I encourage, getting them to run around saying, “Oh, he’s only converting because of his mother” or “She’s only being holy because she’s on a retreat,” or those delightful phrases tinged with a silly pride: “They only believe in God because they’re poor, they only go to church because they’re black, she only prays because she’s an emotional woman…” Do they realize the converse, that the heathen must therefore only disbelieve in angels and demons because he is a rich, white male? Like I said, I love stupid humans. But stupid demons is entirely different matter.

You are making this mistake with your man. He is scheduled to go to confession, an awful Cheat, and you don’t care. From what I can understand, you are relaxed about his decision because you think it is merely sentimental, that he goes to impress his Grandmother out of his desire to feel included in his new Church. You do not believe he will confess all his sins. You are an idiot. Even if this sentimentality was your man’s true reason for attending confession, do you not understand? Our Enemy will bend so low as to use even the sentimental if it means His so-called love will fall on an open heart. So attack, attack, attack. Here’s my patented Three Steps to Making a Bad Confession for your use. I no longer trust a moron like you to get anything right.

1.  Generalizations.
These are delightful, and can work in all sorts of ways. The most obvious are the most boring, and rarely work. Obviously, if you can get a teenager to describe watching pornography as “engaging in impure acts”, excellent. But for all their delicious sins, most humans label such maneuvers as  - and I could be wrong, as the term makes little sense to me – ‘bullshit’. Humans like being honest. So instead, press on to deeper generalizations. Let them forget that they live in the present, let them confess their states of being and ignore their actual actions. It is hard to say “I drank last night and screamed at my kids.” It is easy to say “I am an alcoholic.” The latter avoids a sin committed in the present moment, passing it on to some all-encompassing “condition”, while the former admits guilt and is thus rid of it. So let men confess their “sexual addictions”, and not their affairs.

2. Fear
This really is the best way to ruin a Confession. There is absolutely no reason that the humans shouldn’t be joyful and giddy over this disgusting Cheat. They are having everything handed to them, really! The power to live anew! I hate it. Luckily, we have a million methods to make humans focus on their own shame and guilt, on stupid things like what the priest will think of them, whether others will hear, etc. etc. All of this serves to erase the fact that Confession is pure love and forgiveness, a thing they enjoy.

3. Overthought
This is perhaps the best of the three, and should be used especially if the others fail. It is also useful for the holiest of Catholics. If they are struggling to avoid generalizations and evasions, have them over-concerned about the trifles. Let them entertain the gnawing doubt that, unless they describe every gory detail of their anger or hate, they will not be forgiven. That Our Enemy’s mercy hinges on accurate description. Let them spend days in the worry that they are not “really, really truly sorry” for their sins, and should thus not darken the confessional door. Let them, above all else, think like adults. Planned, calculated, perfectionist sinners. Do not let them got to confession like children, running to their loving Father, confident in forgiveness, weeping for joy afterwards, with gratitude on their lips. Amen, amen I say to you, unless you make them thoughtful grown-ups, they shall not enter our warm, warm embrace.          

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The Crookedhart Emails – Re: Death by a Conviction in Mantillas

July 3, 2011 By Marc 5 Comments
No, this is not the lucky result of a google image search. This is Crookedhart. More on it later!

Dear Rothoof,

I’m happy – a poor choice of word, I know – to hear that your man has found out about Catholic factions. Not to be too optimistic, though we did invent that particular worldview, but this may be all you need to drag him down into our warm, warm, inviting arms. I should rephrase, at any rate. From your email it does not seem that your man has ‘found out’ factions, for to find them is to avoid them, but has become rather caught up in the talk of ‘them’ vs. ‘us’, though he is still to naive to know who ‘they’ are
and who on earth is ‘us’.

How it delights Our Master to create divisions! Not differences mind you; differences are the strange and rather repulsive glue that make Our Enemy’s Church actually stick. He really is a mindless collector of trash, when it all comes down to it. Thus he sees no logical contradiction – which we Higher Minds Below can sniff immediately – between a Thomistic scholar, a Franciscan poet, a Latin-mass old man and a LifeTeen mass high-schooler, all existing in the same religion. He has made his Church catholic to the point of stupidity, not by making multiple truths, but by making one, as if throwing a clumsy rock into the cess-pool of humanity and letting the ripples spread appropriately, as if Catholicism is the sum of a million shocked reactions to one loud and brash statement. Never let your man know the difference between another ripple and an entirely new rock. This ignorance will surely ruin him, if he looks at a man praying in tongues and runs in fear of a devious lie, or – on the other hoof – looks at a man preaching that Vatican II was our invention – how I hate when the humans associate that ridiculous trash with us! –  and assumes it’s true.

Yes Rothoof, it’s divisions we must put our faith in, and a divided church is most clearly seen by it’s lack of forgiveness. It is of no use to us to have a Church in which a certain old ladies want liturgical dancing and everyone disagrees with them, nor is it any value to Our Master for a congregation to be equally split between at Latin liturgy and the Novus Ordo. The real pleasure only comes when no one can forgive the old ladies for their liberal views, nor pardon them for honest ignorance, only convict them of disrespect for the Mass. The pleasure comes when the humans get condescending, laden with bitterness over the battle for truth. When a sinless division over whether the apparitions at Medjugorje are real slowly rots into a delicious sniping competition over ‘loonies’, ‘heresy’ and the ever present implication of a lack of piety in members of the opposite view. The sorrow this causes Our Enemy is truly desirable. How wonderfully this factionalism, this warped and prideful hatred is expressed across the internet, where the humans lose their identity and become mere conveyors of view, to the delight of us all. (I am a frequent blog commenter, if you wouldn’t mind keeping that to yourself) Push your man into this ocean of mercilessness, if you can. There he will surely drown.

If however, you cannot link him to any particular faction, try relativism, the opposite reaction in which, because of the grief the fighting of the factions causes, your man will conclude that there is no certainty in his faith, that liturgical dance is just as good as Gregorian chant, and will end up with a watered-down version of the faith that I, personally, have very little fear of. If the faction leaders would realize that it is their own zealous hate that causes so many relativistic souls, would they attempt mercy? I doubt it. The belief in female altar servers or mandatory mantillas can quickly overcome the belief in God.

To recap then, let me tell you what you don’t want your man to become. A sniveling man who holds faith in the Holy Church above all else, who sees obedience to Her teachings as primary, who will hold those teachings with joy and power but will practice patience, forgiveness, mercy, empathy, and understanding with those he knows to be wrong, praying before discussions with them, exiting when the discussions become arguments, and maintaining confidence in Christ’s ridiculous promise, that He would bring all things to Himself. (As if.)

Anything smaller than him we might be able to swallow whole.

Yours,
Crookedhart

Filed Under: Liturgy! Tagged With: , 5 Comments

The Crookedhart Emails – Re: You’re an Idiot

June 29, 2011 By Marc 5 Comments

Dear Rothoof,

There’s just no other way to say it: You are an inadequate excuse for a demon. I told you which church to send him to, did I not? I told you that the ideal situation for your man to be in was one of considering Catholicism as merely another denomination, to see The Church as a church. This would have been delightful, as it subtly creates in the man a lack of commitment, a sense of well-I-can-always-leave-for-another that would dull him. The Bride of Christ would have been, for him, a convenient mistress. But you idiot! You let him read Chesterton!

In your email you said, and I quote your foolishness, “He was given The Catholic Church and Conversion by a lost soul named Gilbert Keith Chesterton, and I am happy to say that his rambling sentence style will have my man bored to tears.” That will not be the case, Rothoof. What will happen, whether or not your man enjoys the book, is always the same. The Church will, for him, cease to be a denomination to Christianity, a lifestyle choice, and will instead become his way, truth and life. It’s inevitable. Our Master will not be pleased with your annual progress report.

But as always, hope remains, that is to say, hope remains in despair, the only human condition that never lets us down. Your man is now proud to be Catholic. This started in his RCIA program, but is now sealed, perhaps for good. Thus, it is your current duty to twist his state of mind, to make him prideful of being Catholic. Such a small linguistic difference, between the proud and the prideful, but we intellectual elites relish subtleties. It’s the little things that make this job everything it is, as you’ll one day learn. There really is no fun in making a man a homicidal maniac, any third-class demon can bully him into killing a man. To possess a man is a cheap trick, one that makes it difficult to steal a soul. No, give me subtlety any day, the perversion of truth, the whisper into the ear of the first-year college student that morality is relative, or, to get back on topic, to the morphing and gentle transformation of being proud into being prideful.

To put it simply, being proud is the odd emotion that makes these miserable human beings puff up their chests and say, “Yes. This is good. I am lucky to belong to this Church. I wish the whole world could know the Truth that she gives me.” Being prideful is the vice that makes them say, “Yes. This is good. I know the Truth, and the rest of the world is mere idiocy.” Do you see the differences?

The woman Flannery O’Connor – of whom the Office of Postmortem Libel and Slander is doing a great deal of work to convince the world she was either a) a lesbian or b) a bad writer or c) both – was right when she said that smugness is the great Catholic sin. It poisons everything. So how do you go about doing it? First, let your man disdain Evangelicals. The Church has actually learned a great deal from them, yet manages to – at the same time – disagree with them whole-heartedly, an unfortunate combination that cuts Pride to the root. Have your man avoid this path and see absolutely nothing to learn from them, neither piety, nor faith, nor passion. Instead, have him see them as traitors, as complete fools. Then, when he is confronted with some one who has “been saved” and has a wonderful “personal relationship with Jesus Christ”, he will begin – oh so quietly – to disdain the very ideas of being saved, the very concept of a personal relationship. It’s an excellent transfer of emotion. Now I know, to begin with, your man will never admit to ever mocking the idea of salvation, or sneering at the person who says, publicly, that Jesus is my Lord and God. But let it come from the mouth of some once-saved-always-saved, faith-alone Christian and then you shall see smugness. It makes me wriggle.

Then, let him replace knowledge for holiness. Let him learn all about Catholicism, read have a dozen books a week, memorize the lives of the Saints, but never imitate them. Let him have discussions about why his faith is the Best Ever, but don’t let that stop him visiting those pornography sites we mentioned earlier. This is the true separation of Church and State. On the one side, his Church will fill him to bursting with facts and figures, stories and truths, logic and reason, until he goes around like a puffed-up balloon of Catholicism. On the other side, his actual State of Being remains constant. Let knowledge fill in the gaps between his virtues, and more than compensate for his vices. That way he can be prideful of being Catholic, without ever being Catholic! Isn’t it brilliant? I would laugh, but such a task is for morons and degenerates.

That will do for now. Let me know how it fares. I have a few questions for you. Has your man discovered factions within the Church? How about the Seven Cheats? Does he use them?

Damn it’s hot down here,
Crookedhart

Filed Under: The Best Religion in the World Tagged With: 5 Comments