As of some time in the very near future, I will be moving from blogger to Patheos, following another Mark – of the actual writer and Shea variety – who is doing the same.

I could lie to you and tell you I am making this move solely so your experience of my writing will be bigger, better, faster, stronger etc. etc. but in reality, Patheos pays money. And I’m a college student. And hungry. As in right now, I’m hungry. Be right back.

Alright, I’m back. Don’t cry, I know Blogger is hip and with-it. But Patheos is better! It has Mark Shea and The Anchoress! We’re gonna be room-mates on the Internet! (Yeah come on in, ignore the bearded guy, he makes a lot of jokes that only make sense if you were a nerd in the 80′s.) Plus, it’s got portals for all sorts of other religions, and I am so freaking excited to have conversations with the ‘Progressive Christian’ portal. I wonder where they are progressing to.

All this is besides the point. The point is I’m extremely sorry for my blatant lack of posting. I’ve been writing more than ever, but I’m saving it for my dear Patheos. What on earth does that mean, anyways? OK, I looked it up. They made up that word. I’m gonna love this site. And even if you don’t, when you try to get to blogger, it will redirect you there. So, ha. Thank so much for your patience with me selling out to the man.

Get psyched for my move, and my upcoming posts on serial killers, boredom, sexy sex, Vatican II, and the F word. Bye Blogger, hello Patheos!

So here I am, writing from Chicago, having been lovingly fondled by the TSA for having a Marian Consecration chain around my ankle, which set off the deadly-weapon detector (“Can you take it off for me?” I dunno man, can you divorce your wife for me?). Honestly, I’ve never had my inner thighs given so much attention.

I am being molested in Chicago because I really want to get to Duluth Minnesota, so I can make a film for the American Academy of Fertility Care Professionals there, so they can further promote and facilitate Natural Family Planning, so we can all have better sex. (Feel free to give your undying thanks to me.)  But the people-that-can-fly made me and my wonderful mother (or the-people-who-can’t) stop here in The Windy City. The Academy is up and paying for my coffee and other essentials, so that’s nice. Third cup of airport coffee and still going strong. My goal is to take advantage of their kindness by not sleeping for four days.

Anyways, I am working as hard as I can to be a pretentious writer, so I am observing the human condition. I have learned the following things:

1. Human beings are willing to fake back injuries to get on a certain seat on a certain airplane. Even more interestingly, the-people-in-charge-of-assigning-airplane-seats will facilitate the pretense of those human beings, if and only if it makes their job easier or/and if the human being happens to be a beautiful woman, and the official happens to be a smitten, wistful-looking middle-aged man.

THOUGHT EXERCISE:
Why is it that the two things that will make you a mild crook are love and/or convenience?
Which is better?
Would it not be more amusing to fake an internal injury, such as paranoid schizophrenia? And what kind of seat would you get if you did?

2. There are three types of people in the world. Those who will sit on the floor of a public place, those who won’t, and those who will only sit on the floor of a public space with a certain expression on their face; one of determined indifference and/or vague haggardness and/or lofty irony, that says: Yes, I am sitting on the floor, and what of it, and/or don’t look at me too long for I have issues, or a lack of issues, and/or I am my own person and so I am free to sit on the floor.

THOUGHT EXERCISE:
Which are you?
Which is a toddler?
Who is happier, you or the toddler?

3. People eating in restaurants talk about restaurants, people flying in planes talk about flying in planes but people sitting at home talk about whatever they want to talk about.

THOUGHT EXERCISE:
Home is where the good conversation is?
Is flying to exotic places and eating out a lot a good way to avoid talking about the fact that no one in your family likes each other?

But in the midst of all this, and all this coffee, and all this layover time, and a very depressing novel (novella?) by Salinger, there have been some pretty cool airport signs, such as: