7 Quick Takes Friday: 7 Horrible Children’s Gifts

Ahhh, sweet Friday. Here in the godforsaken desert, it’s 69 degrees right now!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind that it’s supposed to be 101 tomorrow, it’s 69 degrees right now! So naturally, I’m flipping through all my favorite stew recipes, gearing myself up for the return of fall.

I love fall. I think it’s my favorite cooking season. Summer is my favorite eating season, because of Ranier cherries, but in fall you can make beautiful, delicious stews and braises that make your whole house smell like love while your husband sings your praises and your children complain. Loudly. Because stews usually involve vegetables.

But here in the godforsaken desert, we’re still generally hanging out in about 100 degree weather, so the stews are just a dream till at least mid-October.

I don’t know why the mafia built a city here, but they are stupid for doing it. Just as we are stupid for moving into it.

You know who’s not stupid, though? The government, for testing nukes here. I’m pretty sure even the nukes couldn’t make it much hotter.

Okay, look guys! We’ve covered stew, the mafia, and nukes already! Maybe we should get on to Quick Takes before I get a chance to ramble anymore.

The above lines are exactly the reason why I have to have a theme for quick takes. You see what happens when I don’t have a plan? A nice little snippet about the weather turns into a statement about the government’s nuclear program.

So, since evil places like Wal-Mart have already started putting out Halloween and Christmas decorations, I’m beginning to field the inevitable string of “Mommy, for Christmas can I please have (insert horrible new children’s item here).” In honor of consumerism and all it’s evils, this week I present you with…seven horrible gifts for children (and babies).

#7
The Behavioral Modification Nightlight


This creepy nightlight darkens into the moon character (seen above) at night, and into a bright, shiny sun in the daytime. The company website informs lazy parents that the sun character lets “the child know that it is time to wake up and permissable to get out of bed and start the days activities.”

This is a perfect gift for children whose parents can’t be bothered to deal with a child between the hours of 8 pm and 8 am, and for children who can expect to spend the next several years being taught to read by electronic books and babysat by the TV.

#6
Disembodied Hands

Yeah, I get the concept. And yeah, I get that not all mothers like baby-wearing. And guess what? I’m one of them. I HATE baby wearing. I think I’ll write a whole post on it later. But I’m still not going to buy creepy stuffed hands to put around my baby. I’d rather listen to him cry.

#5
Her First Heels


Gag.

For those of you who read my post on the Princess Culture, you already know how strongly I feel about this kind of crap.

For those of you who didn’t, let me sum it up: dressing your little girl like this is vile, reprehensible, and contributes mightily to the sense of entitlement that children today have to battle. And next Christmas, you can get her her first hooker Barbie to go along with her “Sex and the City” dvd’s.

Let your kid be a kid! Heels are for grown women who don’t trip in them (unlike me)! She’ll have years and years to be an adult later; for heaven’s sake let her be a child.

And no, creators of this terrible product, these shoes are not “heelarious.” They’re nauseating.

#4
The Daddle


Wow.

My kids like horsie rides on Daddy as much as the next kid, but you know what this product really says? It says, “We haven’t degraded men enough in this culture. Let’s make a saddle for them and turn them into actual mindless animals instead of just the theoretical ones we claim they are!”

#3

Gasoline-powered Rollerblades

No explanation needed.

#2

Stationary Bike for Kids…Complete with a TV!

For parents who think, “You know what? You’re getting a little chubby. But I don’t want to take you outside so…here!”

And, because no kid should be detached from his or her TV these days, this stationary bike comes with a TV to simulate the experience of riding an actual bike…you know, outside. Like, outside that door you’re sitting behind. That you could walk out of.

#1

Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume


Bahahahahaha!

  • Anonymous

    not you! the creators of this inane garbage!Suzanne

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07632005486245515873 Calah

    Hahahaha….Oh Suzanne that's funny. I'm glad you put the follow-up.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09991613715581130019 emily alexander

    Ok, now I feel like a bit of a jerk.

  • Seanda

    Oh wow.

  • http://www.eco-kids.co.uk newborn baby gifts

    I liked your blog and I posted similar to yours…


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