I haven’t been writing much about my personal life lately. I know that one of the things I was good at, until recently, was taking an honest look at my personal life and identifying moments of grace and areas where I needed to grow in virtue.
I haven’t been able to really look at my life lately because just living it is so exhausting. It’s harder than I could have imagined to be without the Ogre. Some things are wonderful. I love living with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, spending time with my nephews, and beginning to develop a sense of order in the midst of chaos. I love being able to see my friends, having a sense of community again, and being able to drop off the children with my parents. I love being able to go see a movie with my mom or have dinner with the Ogre’s parents. But things didn’t really work out with us moving in with my grandfather, and we’re a 45 minute drive from him now. I wish things were different. I wish we could see him more often. I feel like I let him down.
I feel like I’m letting my family down left and right these days. I made an appointment with a therapist, finally, because the stress of it all was actually making me wonder if I was losing my mind. The Ogre couldn’t keep fielding hysterical phone calls at 3 am. The children couldn’t keep living life wondering if their mother was going to hug them or scream at them or just sit down and cry. Liam, for a few days, crawled away from me every time I walked toward him. I reached a breaking point, and broke.We don’t have money for therapy. My family needs me to be stronger than I’m being right now, and I’m failing them.
I’m failing you guys too. I haven’t posted anything good in a while, and even the thought of pulling up a new post makes me nauseous. I want to be able to blog the way I used to, and feel good about it. But I feel like I have stage fright. I feel like I can’t handle any more rejection, any more failure.
I’m too tired to put on a brave face and pretend things are going well. They’re not. And I owe you more than what I’ve been giving you…this mask, this persona, this pretend person who can handle things with good humor and grace. Grace is coming in a tiny trickle for me right now, and good humor is almost impossible to force myself into.
So I’m putting things on hold for a few days. I hope it’s just a few days. It may be less, or more, but I hope you’ll understand and forgive me.