All ye naysayers, behold:
Incredibly, the Defense Department has a response if zombies attacked and the armed forces had to eradicate flesh-eating walkers in order to “preserve the sanctity of human life” among all the “non-zombie humans.”
Buried on the military’s secret computer network is an unclassified document, obtained by Foreign Policy, called “CONOP 8888.” It’s a zombie survival plan, a how-to guide for military planners trying to isolate the threat from a menu of the undead — from chicken zombies to vegetarian zombies and even “evil magic zombies” — and destroy them.
“This plan fulfills fictional contingency planning guidance tasking for U.S. Strategic Command to develop a comprehensive [plan] to undertake military operations to preserve ‘non-zombie’ humans from the threats posed by a zombie horde,” CONOP 8888′s plan summary reads. “Because zombies pose a threat to all non-zombie human life, [Strategic Command] will be prepared to preserve the sanctity of human life and conduct operations in support of any human population — including traditional adversaries.”
CONOP 8888, otherwise known as “Counter-Zombie Dominance” and dated April 30, 2011, is no laughing matter, and yet of course it is. As its authors note in the document’s “disclaimer section,” “this plan was not actually designed as a joke.”
Yeah, some of y’all might be be chuckling or getting annoyed because you think this is a waste of time and money, but listen. When the zombie apocalypse happens, you’re gonna be glad your government was ready. Me, I’ll be traipsing around the northern wilderness (everyone knows that swamps are the worst terrain to battle zombies in), samurai sword in hand, with my crossbow-wielding husband. We even started doing serious HIIT training last week since, as Max Brooks tells us, our bodies are our greatest weapons against the undead hordes. (Also, because we’re chubby.)
Although I have to say, I’m really hoping for evil magic zombies instead of chicken zombies, since this. is. freaky.
“Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually exists,” the plan states. So-called “CZs” occur when old hens that can no longer lay eggs are euthanized by farmers with carbon monoxide, buried, and then claw their way back to the surface. “CZs are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty,” CONOP 8888 notes.
Seriously, what the hell?