Red’s recent post on meanness hit a nerve with a lot of readers, and I have been thinking about how the attitude that she describes can really wreak havoc on relationships so much closer than the nearest supermarket.

As a woman, I have often struggled with friendships with other women because I kick into some sort of competitive mode.  In my head, I cut the person down, so that I can make myself feel that my competencies are more important than hers.  I think that this is my smart girl’s conditioned response to a fun, pretty girl.

For a long time, this mindset really damaged my relationships, especially when thinking about other women’s faults drifted into talking about other women’s faults, almost compulsively.

I have been encouraged instead to look for what I can learn from the other woman, and to look for ways that what she brings can be a gift to my life.  I can’t change my temperament, but I can work on my faults, I can try to emulate some of the good things about other women, or at the very least stop cutting them down.

Back to that pretty girl thing.  My daughter wants to be a pretty girl.  She is just more girly than I am.  Her eyes LIT UP when she saw that her ballet costume for this weekend’s performance recommended curling her hair.  My eyes rolled.  Like, with all that I had to do that day, now I was going to curl my 7 year old’s hair for her 5 minutes on stage?  The competitive part of me said, I don’t know how to do that, I don’t have time to do that, and therefore it is stupid to even want that.

My first big act of openness — I got in touch with my (former Miss Rhode Island) sister in law and asked to borrow curling stuff.  My second big act of openness — I asked my mother in law to come over early and do the curling.  Then, to fully conquer my competitiveness, knowing that Mary’s hair would be the prettiest and not wanting her to stand out, I invited her dance partner over to join the curling session.

Let me tell you, my daughter looked so pretty, but most of all she was so thrilled.  I was really impressed at the care, attention and ability that my mother in law showed in doing the girls’ hair.  I also remembered that Mary had been working for a year to prepare for those 5 minutes on stage, so our making them important was worthwhile.

My Mary makes friends where ever she goes, loads and loads of girl friends.  She has a stream of toddlers following her around at the park.  She is funny and open and kind.  Even other adult women respond to her and invite her out for lunch or shopping!  She has some “it girl” qualities that I want to admire, not squash, and wanting to be pretty goes hand in hand with that.  I know that over time I will have to teach her that goodness is not all on the surface, but I think for now her personality is really pretty too, so I don’t have to worry about it too much yet.  I have told she and her best playmate/dance partner that, like super heroes, they must use their power for good instead of evil, because all the younger ones on the block want to play with them, and they can make it more fun for everyone by being kind and welcoming them in.

And I can try to do the same, by welcoming women who have those strengths into her life, and by trying to learn a little bit from them.  To start, I’m going to go brush my hair.