Daily Hilarity: Socialites Without Borders

The Onion reports:

KIGALI, RWANDA—In an effort to provide relief to a people devastated by civil war, genocide, and poverty, members of the humanitarian aid group Socialites Without Borders spent several hours this week teaching destitute Rwandans how to mingle.

 

Arriving on private jets from their headquarters in Martha’s Vineyard, volunteers from Socialites Without Borders touched down in northern Rwanda early Sunday morning. Following an extravagant luncheon held in their honor, the charitable luminaries were driven by limousine to a nearby refugee camp, where they provided impoverished villagers with emergency lessons in everything from making small talk, to name-dropping, to drastically improving one’s life by marrying a wealthy steel magnate.

“Always remember to keep things light and breezy when mingling,” Danielle Watters, a real estate heiress, was overheard advising a group of war-ravaged amputees. “Talk about where you recently summered, or what boarding school you went to. When you feel at a loss for words, perhaps try remarking on the stunning architecture of the tent you’re in.”

While the outreach program stresses the fundamentals of being a warm and friendly host, the socialites were reportedly concerned when several Rwandan villagers failed to make eye contact, exchange pleasantries, or offer flattering compliments when prompted. More disturbing was the apparent lack of effort shown by many of the emaciated citizens to appear fascinated by the conversations going on around them. “What I witnessed was appalling,” said Adelina Thornton, an accomplished equestrian, who was moved to tears by the sight of a young orphaned child dressed in horizontal stripes. “Not a single person expressed any interest whatsoever in how long our estate has been in the family.” “The people here are even worse off than we could have imagined.”

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