Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American

Obama turns to his strength:

ROCKLAND, ME—In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time.

“I know a lot of people out there are nervous. They’re worried about unemployment, the oil spill in the Gulf, and whether or not I am making the right choices in Washington,” Obama said during a rally at Rockland District High School. “To those Americans, I offer you this inspiring, confident gaze.”

Obama then stepped down from his podium, walked into the 2,000-person audience, and peered comfortingly into each person’s eyes. After taking 45 minutes to methodically work his way from the front row all the way to the balcony, and punctuating each look with a gentle pat on the shoulder, Obama returned to the stage, collected himself, and addressed the silent group before him.

“There,” he said. “All better.”

In their announcement of the “2010 Eye-to-Eye Tour,” White House officials said that Obama will first spend two weeks making eye contact with the 55 million residents of the densely populated Northeastern states, looking into their eyes and, if necessary, offering them an encouraging head nod. Obama will then continue down the East Coast before taking on the tour’s biggest challenge: gazing with confidence into the eyes of a hostile Southern electorate that largely rejects his policies.

The Onion‘s full coverage continues here.

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