If Contemporary American Conservatives Had Written The New Testament

It’d sound more like this:

The Rich and Therefore Blessed Young Man

1. As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up to him and knelt before him, and asked, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”  2. And Jesus said to him, “What have you done so far?” 3. And he said to Him, “Well I was born into a wealthy family, got into a good school in Galilee because my parents donated a few thousand talents for a building with a nice reed roof, and now I have a high-paying job in the Roman treasury managing risk.” 4. Looking at him, Jesus felt an admiration for him, and said to him, “Blessed are you!  For you are not far from being independently wealthy.” And the man was happy.  Then Jesus said, “But there is one thing you lack: A bigger house in a gated community in Tiberias. Buy that and you will have a treasure indeed.  And make sure you get a stone countertop for the kitchen.  Those are really nice.”  The disciples were amazed.  5. Peter asked him, “Lord, shouldn’t he sell all his possessions and give it to the poor?” Jesus grew angry.  “Get behind me, Satan!  He has earned it!”  Peter protested: “Lord,” he said, “Did this man not have an unjust advantage?  What about those who are not born into wealthy families, or who do not have the benefit of a good education, or who, despite all their toil, live in the poorer areas of Galilee, like Nazareth, your own home town?”  6. “Well,” said Jesus, “first of all, that’s why I left Nazareth.  There were too many poor people always asking me for charity.  They were as numerous as the stars in the sky, and they annoyed me.  Second, once people start spending again, like this rich young man, the Galilean economy will inevitably rebound, and eventually some of it will trickle down to the poor.  Blessed are the patient!  But giving the money away, especially if he can’t write it off, is a big fat waste.”  The disciples’ amazement knew no bounds.  “But Lord,” they said, “what about the passages in both the Law and the Prophets that tell us to care for widows and orphans, for the poor, for the sick, for the refugee?  What about the many passages in the Scriptures about justice?” 7. “Those are just metaphors,” said Jesus.  “Don’t take everything so literally.”

James Martin has a couple more of these updates of the myth of Jesus at American Magazine.

And Libby Anne has a terrific post on how Evangelical Christians took over the Republican party (they didn’t always belong to it exclusively, nor run it as they do now) and then how being a conservative Republican become more foundational to their identities than even being evangelical Christian itself.

These are fascinating developments. They’re not the way things always were or always had to be–or always have to be.

Your Thoughts?

About Daniel Fincke

Dr. Daniel Fincke  has his PhD in philosophy from Fordham University and spent 11 years teaching in college classrooms. He wrote his dissertation on Ethics and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. On Camels With Hammers, the careful philosophy blog he writes for a popular audience, Dan argues for atheism and develops a humanistic ethical theory he calls “Empowerment Ethics”. Dan also teaches affordable, non-matriculated, video-conferencing philosophy classes on ethics, Nietzsche, historical philosophy, and philosophy for atheists that anyone around the world can sign up for. (You can learn more about Dan’s online classes here.) Dan is an APPA  (American Philosophical Practitioners Association) certified philosophical counselor who offers philosophical advice services to help people work through the philosophical aspects of their practical problems or to work out their views on philosophical issues. (You can read examples of Dan’s advice here.) Through his blogging, his online teaching, and his philosophical advice services each, Dan specializes in helping people who have recently left a religious tradition work out their constructive answers to questions of ethics, metaphysics, the meaning of life, etc. as part of their process of radical worldview change.

  • Anonymous Atheist

    Great parody. :D But then several people posted counter-parodies in the comments…

  • see_the_galaxy

    Not impressive counter-parodies though, since they’re based on what conservatives think liberals say, rather than what liberals actually say.

  • http://windaelicker.worpress.com mikmik

    That’ll be the next version of the Bible to be published, the Republican Translation. They’ll use the canard that while different versions are due to variable interpretations, they are all based on the true and infallible word of God.

    That gives ma an idea….

  • ‘Tis Himself

    Conservæpedia is currently engaged in a new “translation” of the New Testament, which will include some editing. They believe the Bible is word for word inspired by God, except for those parts they don’t like. And they don’t see any contradiction in this.

    • B-Lar

      I am looking forward to the completion of this project.

      The bible with no “liberal bias” is going to be the most awesomely searing self-indictment of christian religion, and I am going to love it.


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