Frequently Searched Questions: Mark Driscoll CRUSHES Deepak Chopra

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site.FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is sports!

Q 1. John Piper signed my Bible

+10 Piety, -50 KJVOnlyism Persuasion.

Q 2. Nakedgrils?

Contemporary American Adolescent slang for “smiling.” Origin: Indo-european, from “naked” meaning “revealed” and “grill” meaning “teeth.”

This dude knows what’s up. He’s rockin that nakedgril! Oh SNAPS, Ironically-urban-extra-white-dude-with-prolly-racist-subtext, a two-dimensional angel of death is finna hack off your head from behind!
Image: uberculture via flickr (CC BY 2.0).

Q 3. How can I play Catan without getting mad?

1. Only build cities on wool so you have a lot of sheep. Pretty hard to hate on sheep.

2. Grow up and play a video game. It’s 2013, bra. If your games aren’t on a screen, you’re doing it wrong.

3. Try being good at something for once in your life, Rich.

4. You know who get’s mad playing Catan? Phil Hendrixson, Catan World Champaign, 2009-2013 and Hall Monitor at the Osklovisc HS, Scandinavia, 2006-2013. You’re asking the wrong question, dude. You should be asking, “How can I be like Hendrixson?”

Q 4. Mark Driscoll crushes Deepak Chopra?

A newspaper headline recounting the tragic, MMA-style ending of a debate between these two men which ultimately ends Driscoll’s preaching career. In the future. Maybe.

Q 5. Comparing salvation to a baseball diamond?

Is a terrible idea. This has all the makings of the most awkward sermon illustration of all time: “How far have you made it in your relationship with God?” Boom. Fired.

Q 6. Inadequacy of marshmallows?

Poem challenge accepted:

Image credit: katerha via flickr (CC BY-2.0). Awesome poem credit: Shakespeare via Alan Noble (CC BY-10000.0).

 

Q 7. Is tebo being pericuted in Jesus name?

No way. Tae Bo aint being persecuted in any body’s name. My mom’s Tae Bo VHS tapes are a great way to exercise and kick butt! After I make it to the Advanced tape, I’d like to see someone try to persecute me. They’ll get 12 reps of Side-Kick to the face.

Oh, you said “pericuted.” Okay, well, see, that’s not a thing.

Q 8. Inaccuracies in The Last Airbender movie?

M. Knight Shyamalan’s Feature Film adaptation of Nick’s fantastic animated series was extremely faithful to the original source except for the parts that were made into a feature film cause that mess was garbage.

Q 9. Knickleback fad?

Rick Knickle was the 1979 NHL 116th draft pick by the Buffalo Sabres as a “Goaltender.” We’re fairly confident that his back is fine and his fad lasted approximately until the 117th pick.

Image Credit: Hockeydraftcentral.com–which is apparently a website.

Q 10. Eating night cheese and transitioning pajamas to daywear?

This search term is a work of art. I’m going to have to take a couple of stabs at answering this, cause it is Googletastically insane:

1. Two sure signs that your husband is experiencing a mid-life crisis.

2. Night cheese sounds horrible. Please don’t eat that.

3. By “transitioning pajamas to daywear” you really mean “slipping on my Crocs,” don’t you?

4. A recipe for a wild Valentines’ Day experience.

5. Yes. Just—-yes.

About Alan Noble

(Co-Founder/Editor/Columnist) is a part-time lecturer at Baylor University. He received his PhD in Contemporary American Literature from Baylor, writing on manifestations of transcendence in 20th Century American Lit. He and his family attend Redeemer Waco, a PCA church. Alan's passion is studying how believers can be a faithful presence in culture to the glory of God and the edification of others. In addition to editing, Alan writes his column, Citizenship Confusion for CaPC.

---Follow Alan on Twitter @TheAlanNoble and on Facebook.

---For questions, comments, or interest in speaking engagements please email me at noble.noneuclidean [at] gmail [dot] com.


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