Miracle Pregnancy, Despite “Santorum Birth Control” Method

BREAKING NEWS
February 16, 2012

Jeff Spagniola of Durham, North Carolina, was stunned when his girlfriend announced to him last week that she was, indeed, pregnant.

“It’s a miracle!” says Spagniola, “I mean, it must be, right? We used birth control and everything.”

Asked what method of birth control they employed, he explained that the couple faithfully practiced the “Santorum Method.” Coined by supporters of GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, the process is simple, using a single over-the-counter aspirin.

“Everything I hear about it said that you just have to hold one little aspirin between your knees during, um, relations,” says Spagniola, “and there’s supposed to be no way she can get pregnant. I just don’t understand what happened.”

“It’s fairly simple,” writes Dr. Debbie Halverson of Harvard Medical School. “There is no medical basis to the old myth about aspirin serving as birth control. The idea is that, if a woman holds the aspirin between her knees, there is no way she can engage in coitus.”

“But that’s just it,” says Spagniola, after reading Dr. Halverson’s response. “I thought I was being liberated by taking responsibility for birth control myself. If it works for her, why wouldn’t it do the same thing for me?”

Following being shown a diagram of the male and female anatomy, along with a detailed explanation of the prophylactic properties of an aspirin placed between the woman’s knees, Spagniola’s response was ironic but brief.

“Holy crap,” he sighed, “I am so screwed.”

About Christian Piatt

Christian Piatt is the creator and editor of BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE and BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT JESUS. He co-created and co-edits the “WTF: Where’s the Faith?” young adult series with Chalice Press, and he has a memoir on faith, family and parenting being published in early 2012 called PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date.

  • Anonymous

    LOL!

  • http://www.facebook.com/loralelorale Lorale Love McConley

    That is so funny.

  • http://www.LifeAfterCaregiving.WordPress.com/ Linda Brendle

    Just goes to show that a woman should never trust a man who’s thinking with something other than his brain.

  • Frank

    You do realize that Santorum never said that right? Don’t you have any truth to make your point?

    • Christian Piatt

      the article doesn’t say he said it. It’s clear about his supporters saying this.

      It’s also a satire piece. Seems most folks are clear on that.

      • Frank

        I guess satire is the only thing left when truth deserts you?

        What’s clear is the utter nonsense of the post.

        • http://lifebeforethebucket.blogspot.com/ Adrian Waller

          The genre of satire tends to lend itself to “nonsense.” That’s the point. But there’s always a kernel of truth to it (as there is here), so I don’t see how truth has deserted him at all.

          Great post, Christian! Needed the laugh. =)

          • Frank

            There is absolutely no truth as Santorum never said it nor believes it.


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