Church Sign Epic Fails, “Communion Lite” Edition

You want the transubstantiation?? You can't HANDLE the transubstantiation!!! (My best Nicholson, trust me)

I’m so glad there’s a church out there willing to offer me un-transubstantiated communion. The other one just makes me a little gassy.   [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, ‘Pastor Judgment Day’ Edition

#1. If churches don't know how to spell "judgment," who does? #2. Could we maybe move pastor appreciation day up a day, since, yaknow, some of you won't be here tomorrow (not saying who...)

Little known fact: The church sign phenomenon was started by a traveling letter salesman by the same of Alfonz Farkle back in the mid-17th century. Was known as the “Johnny Appleseed of church nomenclature.” Look it up! [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Church + Porn = FAIL” Edition

Total fail! Someone should tell them that the plural of "video" doesn't need an apostrophe. Doy!

Pastor, I promise I thought it was a “PAWN” store. I totally was just cashing in these old offering plates for some track money. Totally above board. [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Race Car to Hell” Edition

Not only does this car judge you; it judges you while also looking really, really fast. Nice double use of the flames, guys!

Celebrating all things bumper sticker today, because nothing says “I’m following the path of Jesus” like an obnoxious sticker on your environmentally hostile car!   [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Christian Tacos” Edition

At first I thought this sounded gross, but then I found out they just grind up and sprinkle Christians on top of the tacos. Whew!

I keep seeing signs for Kosher food and Halal food…thank goodness we’re finally making food that Christians can eat. I’m starving after 42 years of waiting! [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Badass Jesus” Edition

See, it only looks like a fair contest until Jesus pulls that "Over the Top" move Stallone does and then...BAM.

Taking a departure from heinous church signs today to delve into the disturbingly rich landscape of badass Jesus iconography. Like them, or Jesus will personally rip you in half. [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Cow Gang” Edition

Certainly no gang member could be offended to be compared to a lazy, dumb, fat, shiftless cow, right? RIGHT???

I once came up on a cow gang. They was like, “Yo, gimme all your milk, biped,” and I was all “TIP.” That was the end of that. [Read more...]

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Clothing Optional” Edition

Well, mom always did say to wear a suit to church. Never said it couldn't be my birthday suit!

So I showed up naked to this church and got the weirdest looks. Hey, if you’re gonna make it an option, I’m gonna hold you to it. Better than holding it to you, eh? (Ba dum bum!)   [Read more...]


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