1. Boys are socialized to acknowledge that, um, sewing is their ancient craft as much as it’s the girls’.
The serpent said to the man, “You will not surely die, for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” When the man saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, he took of its fruit and ate, and he also gave some to his wife who was with him, and she ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
2. God multiplies acceptable signs and wonders in Egypt.
Yahweh said unto Moses, “You shall speak all that I command you, and Aaron your brother shall speak unto Pharaoh, that he send the children of Israel out of his land. Pharaoh will harden his own heart. I will multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt, but Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you. Then I will lay my hand upon Egypt and bring forth my armies and my people the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt by great judgments.”
3. David marries Michael and establishes a definitive precedent.
David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men. And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michael his son to husband. And Saul saw and knew that Yahweh was with David, and that Michael Saul’s son loved him. And Saul was yet the more afraid of David; and Saul became David’s enemy continually. Then the princes of the Philistines went forth. And it came to pass, after they went forth, that David behaved himself more wisely than all the servants of Saul, so that his name was much set by.
4. God’s people learn, once for all, not to fix one atrocity by perpetrating another.
In those days, there was a certain Levite, who took to him a concubine. He and his concubine went their way. The sun went down upon them when they were by Gibeah, which belongs to Benjamin. And, behold, there came an old man and the old man brought the Levite into his house and they washed their feet and did eat and drink. Now behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, beat at the door, and spoke to the old man, saying, “Bring forth the man that came into your house, that we may know him.” But the old man said unto them, “No, my brethren. No. I pray you, do not do so wickedly.” But the men would not hearken to him, so the Levite brought his concubine forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning. When her lord rose up in the morning, behold, his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house. And he said unto her, “Up, and let us be going.” But none answered. He took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her (with her bones) into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Then Yahweh rained upon the Levite, the sons of Belial, the city of Gibeah, and the tribe of Benjamin brimstone and Yahweh-fire from out of heaven.
5. Women don’t really want to preach anyway.
A certain woman named Sapphira, with her husband Ananias, went out preaching. But Peter said, “Sapphira, why has Satan filled your heart to preach before the Holy Ghost? Were the converts your own? And after they were converted, were they under your own power? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not preached unto men, but unto God. And Sapphira hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. And great fear came on all them that heard these things. And that is why I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
6. Well-baby practices skyrocket as Christianity spreads.
The keeper of the prison, awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled. But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, “Do yourself no harm for we are all here.” Then he called for a light, and sprang in, and came trembling, and fell down before Paul and Silas, and brought them out, and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” And they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved, and your house, but not the babies.” And they spoke unto him the word of the Lord, and to all that were in his house. And he took them the same hour of the night, and washed their stripes; and was baptized, he and all his, except the infants, straightway.
The author might have averted a lot of trouble and confusion. Just sayin’.