Answers to your Marriage Questions

Answers to your Marriage Questions April 4, 2013

On my facebook Marriage Page I receive a huge amount of questions related to marriage. I’m going to share some answers to some of the biggest questions that come in. These are all very short answers to very complicated issues, so please join the conversation and leave comments with your own insights and any additional questions you’d like to see addressed in future posts.

In addition the questions below, my wife, Ashley, and we also answer many of your biggest questions in our free, 4-part video series The 4 Pillars of a Strong Marriage

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How can we make our marriage stronger?

Start by removing unhealthy friends and influences from your life and replacing them with people who will be a positive influence on your marriage. Next, make time together a top priority. Finally, build your marriage on a foundation of faith. God is the glue that can hold any marriage together! Get connected into a life-giving church, pray together and never give up on each other! When you’ve got an hour to spare, you can watch my popular free video on How to build a stronger marriage.

How do we rebuild trust in our marriage?

Trust is the foundation of any healthy marriage and once it’s been broken, the process of rebuilding it is delicate. I’ve dedicated an entire post to this issue which you can see by clicking here.

How do I deal with difficult in laws?

The Bible says, ‘…as far as it depends of you, live at peace with everyone.” In other words, do you part, but know that some people just won’t live at peace with you. In those cases, love and respect them, but you may need to do it from a distance. Be unified with your spouse to create healthy boundaries and don’t let anyone come between your marriage. For more on this, watch my short video on How to deal with difficult in-laws.

We always argue about money? What do we do?

COMMUNICATE. Don’t hide purchases from each other. Have a spending plan (budget) and work together to stick to it. Always talk with your spouse before making a major purchase. Do whatever you can to get out of debt and stay out of debt. Be disciplined so that you can have the financial freedom to save and to give generously. A great resource to help you get started is the book, “Financial Peace University” by Dave Ramsey.

Porn is having a negative impact on our marriage. What do we do?

There’s a great website at XXXchurch.com with resources to help overcome port addictions. Pornography has no place in your marriage. It’s not a tool to spice things up…it’s a destructive force that will eventually cause a mess. Stay away from it. For more on this and other ways to strengthen your sex life (without porn), watch my short video on Why you should be having more sex.

We always fight. How do we stop?

If you want to break any cycle you’ve got to do things like you’ve never done them before. Don’t let anger rule your marriage. Communicate in a way that shows respect for each other. Recognize that your words have tremendous power to either build up or tear down your spouse, so speak words of life. Be their biggest encourager, not their biggest critic. Be the one who wipes away their tears, not the one who causes them! For more on this, watch my short video on How to fix your marriage.

We keep talking about divorce. How do we rebuild our marriage?

You need to remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. A marriage should have no Exit Strategy! A “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other! I’d also say, don’t separate even “temporarily.” Once one of you leaves the home, it almost always ends in divorce. Stay under the same roof and work it out. For more on this, watch my short video on How to divorce-proof your marriage.

For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, check out our bestselling book iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now also available on iTunes for Download on iPhones, iPads and all Apple devices.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Linda

    Thanks Dave. I pray for all marriages. You are really helping in preserving and strengthening them.

  • Tabitha

    Awesome! I just have to say that…even when I’ve tried this or that….and things just aren’t working. I have prayed… fervently and relentlessly and cried many nights begging God to intercede on behalf of our marriage. When nothing else works, sometimes praying is “all” you can do. I say “all” but it’s truly the BEST thing you can do. Be honest with yourself and recognize your own faults as well. God has done so much in my marriage it is…nothing short of AMAZING! It did NOT happen immediately, but it did happen…and I am so very thankful! Thank you for your daily posts!

  • Kaylee

    How do I get my husband to talk or communicate with me!!! I feel the only time we talk is on his breaks when he’s at work and that’s for 10-20 mins other wise when he’s home he wants to watch TV or play games on his phone I feel like I have to do everything and handle everything besides working!!!

  • Ira Ferguson

    The question about porn is a good one. Take it from me I am a sex addict and I watched porn and chatted with other females online. Right now I am going through a divorce and my soon to be ex-wife has feelings for another man. So I am now in a 12 step program, SLAA, and doing what I can to not interfere in her life even though I love her. She always told me that I had an addiction and that I needed help. I always denied it to myself thinking that I could overcome it but I couldn’t. Show this to the men in your life that sex addiction will tear your heart out especially if they truly love their wives.

  • Sarah

    I really enjoy reading our advice! The one thing my husband and I have both learned is that you can’t change our spouse. You CAN change yourself though. If you change yourself, and become the Godly wife or husband that God has called you to be, our spouse will live you for it, and quite possibly change him/herself in return. Be in constant prayer for your spouse as you make changes in your own life, and things will fall into place!

  • Awesome, Just About To Get Married, Great Advice….

  • Hillary

    Divorce is in my vocabulary. I have tried for 6 years and endured physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse. I stuck by him through rehab, counseling and medication. He has watched porn, and cheated numerous times. I have decided enough is enough. God didn’t mean for marriage to be abusive. I want to end this cycle for my daughter’s sake.

  • Brandon L.

    My marriage is desperately needing prayers. My wife and I are separated because of my stupidity. I’m making the change to a better man, though, and know that our marriage should not end. I am fighting like crazy for us, but she is ready to give up and walk away. I know that trust is hard to earn once its lost, but I pray that God will soften her heart enough to let me show her how much I have changed and am still changing. She’s worth fighting for.

  • Wow i found peace at all the questions and answers and i just wanna say thank you. You are trully a God sent.

  • Louis

    Why do Women use Sex as a tool against their Husbands. and lose interest in their Husbands

  • Richard David

    The statement: don’t separate even “temporarily”, does not help a woman who has been hurt physically and emotionally by her husband. God can work miracles and it may take a time of separation for the husband to ‘wake up’ to his role. We are not going to give up on each other, my wife has to work out her emotions and so do I in our time of separation, however long it takes!

  • Lori Humphreys

    My marriage was at the end & we had filed for divorce after 15 years. I payed no attention to my husband, only focused on my boys. With that said in September 2011, it was horrible, my husband & a so called friend started car pooling our youngest sons which were best friends. I could tell something was going on, so I stopped the car pooling. Next, thing I know I’m kicking him out in November 2011. He obtained an apartment & was seeing her, but denied it the whole time. On February 7,2012 was our divorce mediation, but before that could happen on February 3,2012 our 17 year son was in a car accident. He was going 32 mph & centered a tree @ was not wearing his seatbelt. Our son Talon broke every bone in his face , his nose was ripped from his face, crushed his trachea & Adam’s apple. He stopped breathing from aspirating all the blood from the torn nose into his lungs and stomach. He broke ribs fractured hip & ankle, but most of he obtained a Severe Traumatic Brain Injury. If any one knows about a brain injury it can be devastating. My son is a completely different person now. With all this said, needless to say this stopped the divorce!!! It was rocky at first but we are still together and still working on marriage. I love him more than words can say & we both took our marriage, life, & relationship with God for granted. I’m not going to lie & say that I am over the affair. I feel that is the one intimate thing that I did not have to share with anyone else. We are working on this daily. It’s hard not to throw up the past & I have so many questions on why? How do I leave the past in the past?????

  • Ana

    Is it ever to late? I am trying my hardest to follow these things but it seems we keep falling over and over, i want to believe God brought us together but its getting hard to hold on to that belief

  • Kelley

    My pastor always says that when you pray that God will change your spouse, He usually changes you instead. As married people we should always be focused on how WE can be better rather then trying to make our spouse better. When we take responsibility for our own behaviors and actions and make an effort to change the negative things we do, your spouse will respond positively over time!

  • summer hodge

    What do you do if your the only one willing to remove those unhealthy friends and influences out of your life?

  • Laci

    “Communicate in a way that shows respect for each other. Recognize that your words have tremendous power to either build up or tear down your spouse, so speak words of life. Be their biggest encourager, not their biggest critic.” Absolutely important!!!

  • Melissa

    I’m fairly certain that Dave isn’t encouraging people to stay in abusive relationships. That statement deals with marriages that are having difficulties not relating to abuse.

  • Saul Medrano

    Richard. I agree with you. My wife and I are separated. We still see each other quite a bit and spend time together with our three kids, but our marriage is in deep trouble. She has also filed for divorce and had no desire to talk about the marriage other then me agreeing to divorce terms. I feel like there is no hope, but I continue to pray. I feel like I received a message from GOD this past weekend and know he has heard my prayers. I as well feel like this separation is needed for her healing and my positive changes in my life that I am working on. I pray that all works out for you Richard and everyone reading this. God Bless – Saul

  • Brian

    Why did I loose interest in my wife after 36 years of marriage? She has busted herself to let me and give me everything I wanted. She has never said no we cannot afford that or really. I have done porn, I have cheated on her and said we were just friends, I have lied to her face and never even blinked or felt bad as a matter of fact it got easier each time I lied and cheated on her. Now I have moved out and I am very happy taking care of myself and yet when I lived with my wife I never did one thing to help her with ant sort of housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry nothing and now I seem to like it very much.. How could I be so cruel to her after everything she has done and tried to do for us. I took advantage of her kindness and then spit her out. I have even said hurtful ugly things to her and when she cried I walked away and kept going.

  • Marriage has a very positive effect on couples who date but do not live together, because after they take their vows they tend to upgrade their care for each other. They make an effort to create a compatible lifestyle from day one. But marriage has a very negative effect on those who live together first because they tend to expect their partner to put up with anything they choose to do.

  • Rose

    What do I do when my husband talks to other females and goes places alone with them on occasion and the only way I find out is if I happen to find the test messages on the conversations. He refuses to tell me before hand because I “freak out”.

  • dave willis

    Rose, your husband is making some reckless choices which have damaged the trust in the marriage. I encourage you to look up my past post on “How to rebuild trust.” I’m praying for you both.