The Truth about Porn

The average American child is first exposed to porn by age 11. Please consider putting protective software on all your home devices to protect your marriage and family by clicking here.

I was first exposed to pornography as a teenager which fits with the statistics, because I’ve read that as many as 95% of all teens will view explicit pornography (either accidentally or on purpose) at least once before they graduate from high school. Whatever the most accurate stats may be, the obvious truth is that it’s everywhere and it’s having a HUGE impact people and specifically on marriages.

The bottom of this post contains a very detailed, visual display of porn statistics courtesy of our friends at XXXchurch.com

Porn is a controversial issue because some people view it as pure evil while others view it as harmless entertainment and even a helpful aid in “spicing up” things in your sex life. I definitely don’t claim be an expert, but I want to briefly share my own story and a few insights that I’ve learned along the way. What I’m about to share is very uncomfortable to talk about, but I’m stepping way outside my comfort zone to do it so that I can help as many people and strengthen as many marriages as possible.

Below are four of the most damaging lies related to porn. To learn some ways to improve your sex life (without porn), you can Get a free sneak peak of our new video series “Best Sex Life Now” by clicking here.

bestsexlifenow 7

Before I get to my own story, I want to start by sharing what I believe are the “lies” that porn teaches us. The more we view it, the more we believe these lies and sabotage ourselves and our marriages:

Lie #1: Porn doesn’t hurt anybody.

The truth is that it will hurt you and and also harm your present and future relationships. In the Bible, Jesus said, “To look at a woman lustfully is to commit adultery with her in your heart” (Matthew 5:28), so porn, by its very nature, is an act of infidelity.

Lie #2: Porn is harmless fantasy.

The truth is that type of “fantasy” is a direct enemy of true intimacy. It programs your mind to think of sex as just an animalistic act with many partners and no emotional attachments. It’s an enemy of intimacy.

Lie #3: Porn is so addictive that I will never be free of it. 

The truth is that you can be set free, but you have to rely on God’s power instead of your own will power. That’s what I had to do. Let me share my story…

Lie #4: Being in a healthy marriage to an attractive spouse will remove the temptation.

Porn doesn’t train you to be satisfied by a healthy relationship; it warps your mind to never be satisfied.

My own story with porn (the abridged version, because I know you’re busy!) 

As a teenager, I would go through a vicious cycle of looking at porn and then feeling guilty and hating myself and staying away by sheer will power for as long as I could but then returning to it again. This continued through college. Sometimes there were long stints in between my “relapses” which gave me the false sense of security in believing I had overcome it, but I learned over and over again that I had not overcome it.

Eventually, I bought into the myth that once I got married, it would cure itself, because having a beautiful wife (which I do) would automatically remove the temptation of wanting to look at anyone else, but the secret and shameful cycle continued even after I married the love of my life the week after graduating college. She found the evidence on our home computer and she was heartbroken. I had shattered her trust and I felt hopelessly ashamed.

As painful as it was to have my secret out in the open, it was what had to happen to start the healing process. I only wish I would have had the courage to confess before getting caught. Regardless, getting caught was a gift from God because once the lies are dragged out into the light, even though it hurts at first, it’s the first step towards healing.

That was a decade ago, and thankfully, God and my wife both showed me a lot of grace which has helped me break free. It took trusting God and putting safeguards and accountabilities in place to retrain my thinking, and today, I’m so thankful to be living without that secret shame and constant temptation eating away at me.

If you’re reading this and you’re currently struggling, you are not alone! The first step is to admit that it’s wrong and that you want to make it right. You can overcome this, but don’t try to do it alone. Confess it to your spouse and to God. Ask forgiveness. Put safeguards in place. There are some great resources to help get you started at www.XXXchurch.com.

Also, please consider protecting your family and your marriage with Porn-blocking software on your phones and computers (by clicking here).

If you’ll do those things, you will discover the life-changing promise of Romans 12:2 which says, “Don’t copy the thinking of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you’ll discover God’s will for you which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

For more tools to help you build a porn-free, rock-solid, passionate marriage, check out our new book Marriage Minute: Quick and Simple Ways to Build a Divorce-Proof Relationship which is now also available on iTunes for Download on iPhones, iPads and all Apple devices.

And check out our FREE video series on The 4 Pillars of a Strong Marriage.

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  • Kris

    This is a very brave confession. Thank you for sharing. I was exposed to porn in my early 20s. The woman in the movie was drugged, had needle marks all over her arm and was barely conscious. I felt so sorry for her and knew that it was not for me.
    The porn industry has grown up and dressed up now. You can find it anywhere and it makes billions of dollars. Did you know that Some of our major Cablevision companies are some of the biggest producers of porn? Do the research. You will be surprised who produces a lot of it. You may be paying them monthly.

  • Brian Martin

    Do you also consider erotica/romance books porn as well? Because my wife has a Kindle and that is the only genre she likes…”contemporary romance” but they all are also in the erotica section! She tells me that those books are her escape!…Escape from what is what im lost about? I know ive had issues with porn in my past(before i was married) and have done everything in my power to steer clear of it. But i guess my wife’s book choices bother me! What should i do? We’ve had talks about it and the amount of time reading has got better but the genre choice hasn’t changed! Not sure what to think at this point?

  • Donta Moore

    amen brother

  • Heather

    My husband struggles with this daily. Even after being saved and baptised he still is struggling. Porb does destroy families as do online chat role play sites which are also a struggle for us. I pray for him daily but our trust is completly destroyed. If anyone else can please pray for my husband I would greatly appreciate it.

  • Hurt by porn

    Thank you for admitting this and putting it out for everyone else to learn from. Everything you say is so true and I am so glad that you and your wife were able to get through this together, because believe me, you needed healing and she did too after learning about your addiction.

  • Megan

    Heather, you’re not alone.
    My husband and I have been in the exact same place as you.
    Your husband needs help and you can’t fight this alone. Get him in an addiction group. Install a keylogger on the computer so you always monitor his activities, Spyrix is a good one. Let him know there’s a keylogger so your husband knows he’ll get caught. If you can, try not to withhold sex. He needs to rediscover intimacy with you.
    Good luck and I’ll pray for you.

  • Maria

    That’s amazing you can easily share your story…this will help many who are addicted to porn..I can say that on my previous marriage my ex-husband struggled with this problem, I don’t know for how long?..but one day I was deep cleaning my kitchen cabinets..and decided to clean the ones that were all the way on the top almost out of my reach..I was in shocked! I found over 50 Dvd’s of porn! My heart was broken in pieces!! I felt like he cheated on me..I started to cry..I felt like I was not satisfying his sexual needs..I approached him..and he said to stop making a big deal about it..it’s jut DVd’s not real women..after I explained how I felt to him..he felt guilty..and threw them all out..I told him to please not this ever again..not even look into porn websites..not only because it’s hurting me..but because it’s also hurting God..I guess he felt convicted by the spirit of God..
    So men out there, if you’re struggling with this..put yourself in your wife’s shoes..this is def. sinning..because your lusting other women! Or women if you’re struggling with this..you’re hurting your husband! God created marriage so we can enjoy it to the fullest extend..sex should be between you and your spouse only! Not you, your spouse and all these other people! Admit you’re struggling with this..get rid of any porn DVd’s! Block all porn sites in your computer, smart phone and Tv! You need to take action and restrain yourself from this! God will help you with the rest!

    Hope this help someone out there.
    God bless!

  • Pastor Mark

    The very fact that your wife says these books are an “escape” is the concern. Porn takes a person into imaginary adulterous relationship. Jesus says if you lust after another you commit adultery in the heart. There is no difference between erotica, soft or hardcore-porn.

    Read 1 Corinthians 6:15-20 and you will find that every time she reads those books she brings Christ into her “escape” with her. It robs Him of His glory and profaned His name. Read Rev. 4:11, 1 Col 1:16, and Isaiah 43:7 and you will find that we were created to bring Him glory and honor with ourlives.

    If she is a child of God this behavior must stop. Proverbs 17:13 says “Whoever rewards evil for good, Evil will not depart from his house.”

  • jen

    Brave confession. I don’t understand the struggles you all have though. My spouse and I have a decent sized collection of porn dvds, from hardcore anime to pretty tame couples only stuff, and it has never been a problem. We watch together and maybe once or twice a year. It was something that was before children. We also have a healthy monogamous sex life, and we “make love” at least 3-4 times a week, even after a decade long relationship and three children. I suppose you would consider us Pagans of sort, and we don’t have to center our marriage around any God. I am sorry for anyone who has to go through struggles with any sort of addiction. Also, I agree that if porn is bad then so is erotica, including that 50 shades book that so many women are reading these days. It is not only very poor writing, but it is absolutely as filthy as some of the dvds in our collection, and certainly more depressing and less entertaining. A healthy sex life does not need porn. However, porn isn’t necessarily the cause of problems for most of the folks with problems. I think it is a symptom of larger personal issues they need to really work through. Also, isn’t it just as bad if your spouse is pleasuring themselves outside of your company, they could be thinking about others in their head and isn’t that just as bad? Human sexuality is a very complex thing and easily judged (prude vs slut) on both sides. The hope is that couples could be able to talk openly from day one of serious dating about sex and intimacy. People like to not share, for fear they will be judged and turned down. And maybe they will be judged and turned down, but wouldn’t one rather know that they person they were going to marry knows and accepts the real them? Not some illusion they have tossed out there to gain acceptance. Too many people lie and omit things about their desires, about themselves and this is where the problems start. Be honest with yourself and with the person you choose to be with.

  • TerlynRuth

    Doesnt order start in the home? i mean you as husband open the door for porn ; you open the same to you wife and family, and the enemy will seep in! Its like every organization or leadership role in life, it starts from the Top! Let your heart become Jesus centered, pray for your wife & she’ll learn to “escape” into your arms. Our God is awesome! And what He can do when we throw ourselves, open, bare before Him! He clithes us with His Royalty; and dancing will be our joy.
    As far as porn, it takes accountability with someone of the same gender and preferably a leader who has wisdom and knows the cause and effect of it. Its the little foxes that spoil the vine, and the enemy loves to find those little things that will trap us & keep us from a free life of fresh & healthy fruit harvest,
    Don’t throw mud on the Saviors pure white robe! Just keep that vision in your mind! What might you be throwing on Him?? Hmmmm?
    In Him Only We find Our Strength!!
    TerlynRuth

  • gennamarie

    I just want to say that porn has an effect on everyone in the family. I’m in my mid 20s and just this last year my mom caught my dad viewing porn. he admitted that his addiction dates back to his childhood. as a result of his attitude toward/ disrespect for women my brother got into porn and I grew up thinking that as awoman I have little value. I learned not to trust. we learned that his outbursts of anger and many of his attitudes towards women stemmed from his secret addiction to porn. I am proud to say that he is working very hard toward recovery but healing our family is going to be a long hard road. I am married and have a little girl and sadly there are many issues that have arisen in my marriage because of my dad’s addiction. please don’t take it lightly when people say it destroys families. it does so much more than destroy trust in a marriage. innocent children get caught in its web as well.

  • nelly

    Last year while I was pregnant I found my husband had a sexual relation outside marriage and that’s how i found out he had been addicted to porn for quite some time. According to him because he watched too much porn while I was working, took him to that mistake. When i found out, our marriage collapsed and we separated. God revealed to him and he looked for help in the church, with therapy and with a support group. He was ashamed and regreted the pain he caused. I was broken hearted because he was the type of man i would never expect that kind of behavior. I received help as well and with his commitment of leaving porn and any bad behavior I decided to give him another chance for us and for our baby. We have been together six months now and God has been with us in every step. But the truth is that despite of a remarkable change and that he has accepted all my conditions, I still don’t trust him and it hurts the way he cheated. If you know of additional resources to heal, please let me know.

    So my last comment is that porn is like any other addiction, it destroys the person and everybody around.

  • Ashley

    My husband had struggled with an addiction to pornography since he was 12, now he is almost 30 and finally starting to get past it. It has hurt me over and over. I believe without God in our lives it would be much worse. In our first years of our marriage I tried viewing it with him but it began to change oursex life into something ugly, just lusting after one another. There was little trust, as soon as we stopped that and had my husband get help our relationship had slowly gotten better and the trust has come back. Our open communication has really helped. I feel more in love and happy with him more then ever because I can feel the difference in him because he no longer views it or has the desire to look at it.

  • Lauren

    Thank you for this. My husband has always been the best man to me and father to our daughter. I often put him on a pedestal, and always stood up for him when many women would tell me all men are the same and that Ben would eventually cheat on me. He always made me feel like I was all he needed, he made me feel so beautiful.. On the night of our 4yr anniversary is when I found out about his obsession with porn, I found it all over his phone. The things he was searching and the videos he was watching just disgusted me, I felt my trust being violated, mad, hatred, hurt, and disappointed. We’ve had such a beautiful relationship, I couldn’t understand why or how he could do this. I can’t get the words of what he was searching for online out of my head, it’s disgusting to me. I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.. I dream about this. I’ve never felt so hurt, humiliated, and ugly. Since we’ve been together we’ve been intimate 5-7 days a week, I just don’t understand! The past year I’ve felt like we’ve been more in love than ever, and this happens? I’m always open minded to trying new things, but when I suggest them, he says “no, I just can’t see us doing that.” …. He can’t do it with me but he can watch other people do it? I just need to understand.. But I can’t even look at him right now, I’m just devastated..

  • Sarah

    Thank You for sharing your story. My marriage is on a very rock slope due to porn and I have shared many of your posts with my husband. I pray that we are on a road to recovery.

  • rachelle

    I completely relate to your wife’s heartbreak. My husband does it, knowing how I feel about it. It never stops though. I pray every day for it to get better. I want SO badly to share this post with him, but I know he will ignore it & blow it off the second he sees God’s name. If nothing else, it’s comforting to know that I am not alone in my belief like my husband thinks I am. Thank you for that.

  • Someone

    Men aren’t the only one with this problem – seems like all the church support groups are men only

  • Kelly

    Our son, who just turned 13, is struggling with porn. We’ve made stricter boundaries but would love some advice on helping him overcome this.

  • Melissa

    This issue almost ruined my marriage. Initially, every time i caught him, he just got more creative about hiding it. like instead of deleting the internet history, he would recreate it. I’m not convinced, even now, years later, that the issue is resolved. I will say that for those praying about, I’m not telling you not to, but it’s not enough. I now have access to all of husband’s emails, his phone, his credit card purchase history, I even have the password to the sites he was using so I can see if he has used those sites, and I do check. One thing that I think helped tremendously was consolidating our bank accounts. We used to have 3, his, mine and ours (for bills). Before that, even after I could access his credit card purchases, he just started going to the ATM and buying videos with cash. Now we just have the one account for everything. If he goes to the ATM more than usual, I confront him. I’m not saying he is honest, I can’t be sure, but it lets him know that I am still paying attention. Maybe I’m wrong, but I do think the more effort he has to put into hiding it, the less appealing it is. For those who don’t think it’s a big deal, it may not be in your relationship. I do think it depends on the people. I have been in a relationship where it wasn’t an issue. We watched it together, I’m sure he watched occasionally, but it wasn’t a problem. With my husband, it is. It is an addiction for him and it does affect our marriage, our sex life especially, which in turn affects everything else. Like I said, I still don’t completely trust him in this area and I’m not sure I ever truly will, but our marriage is much stronger and happier than it was. He is making the effort and I’m holding him accountable.

  • Melissa

    Lauren I have been there and gone through all of those emotions. I felt like obviously there was something wrong with me. I tried being different, more adventurous, losing weight, etc. I mean if he was attracted to me, if I was satisfying him, he wouldn’t need porn right? None if it worked, and when it didn’t, I threatened to leave. That didn’t work either. The only thing that “worked” (see other post) was to make it virtually impossible for him to hide it. No matter how it made me feel, no matter how bad he felt about how it made me feel, he just kept going back, trying to hide it better. I don’t know if I understand it and I have a really hard time accepting it myself, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you not being attractive or adventurous. I hate to call it an addiction, maybe it is, but it’s difficult for me to see it that way, but whatever you call it, it isn’t you. You aren’t the problem. He needs to love you enough to make the effort to stop. He needs to understand that this is hurtful to you, that it isn’t acceptable. That hiding it is not the answer. He will tell you everything you want to hear and you will think its over. Maybe it will be. But prepared for the opposite. There is a very good chance that it will surface again at some point. Just know that it isn’t you or anything that you have or haven’t done. Use safeguards like the article mentions, keep your eyes open and hold him accountable.

  • tim

    I think it is very important that we cover the dangers of womens “erotic”novels.they are just as damaging to a relationship.no longer are they the”he tip-toed thru the tulips books they used to be.”50 shades of grey”has sold over 60 million copies.I have read part of it.it is graphic depictions of bdsm porn.celeb. dr.drew called the book “disturbing”.I fully agree.movies are processed with the eyes then the brain.books are processed with the imagination. Think of it this way, which has a bigger impact on you, hearing a bible passage on tv or reading it for yourself.most of us reading it.the power of life and death lie in words.words spoken, heard and read.

  • Melanie Janzen

    I will pray for you! on line roll playing killed my marridge my husband thought he was in love with someone he never met. he was not willing to get help so all i can do now is pray for him from afar <3

  • Jamie

    Lauren, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I know what you are going through. My husband is addicted too. Porn is ugly no matter what and I have found there is no reason anyone should be watching it no matter what! It hurts EVERYONE it touches and shows no mercy. My advice to you is that you need to realize you are in a battle and you need to put your armor of GOD on, EVERYDAY! You need to pray and pray hard for your husband and pray for yourself. Pray for strength, courage and wisdom. You need to be reading your bible EVERYDAY. I haven’t heard anyone mention this but you have a silent enemy, Satan. He is out to destroy you, your husband and your marriage. You must be strong and stay the course. God is with you and he will never leave you. You didn’t do anything to cause this. Try not to let anger fill your heart and forgive your husband as soon as you can. Not for him but for you. I pray this will help you and I pray GOD will heal your broken heart. It will take time so be patient, which is hard. Just remember GOD loves you and he is always with you to the ends of the earth:)GOD Bless all of you!

  • Becky

    Short answer is yes, it’s porn. Women are programmed differently than men. Men are more visual, while women are not. Pictures of naked men may do nothing for us, but a good story line or fantasy will. By reading those books, she is setting herself up for disappointment in the real world and in her relationship with you.

  • vdh

    The more ge has to hide it the bette r it feels its a rush. He’s still doing it and I bet your looking too or you would have canceled the sites or blocked them

  • Melissa

    I actually don’t watch porn if that is what you are trying to say. As I said, I don’t completely trust him with regard to that and there is a chance he is still doing it but if he is its definitely not near as often as he used to. I tried to block the sites at one point but it was blocking innocent stuff and got really annoying. I didn’t see the point in canceling if I have the password and can see if he is using it. I’m 99% sure he hasn’t used any computer for that in years, I am more concerned about him using his phone anyway. You don’t know me and I don’t you, I have a fantastic marriage, this one issue caused a huge problem a few years ago and I did the best I could to deal with it and didn’t let it ruin my marriage. You may not like the way I’m handling it but it doesn’t matter, you aren’t in my marriage.

  • I really enjoy reading about your experiences and the strength you have to step out and talk about it is truly amazing. I have dealt with a husband lookin at porn and i express my heart how bad it hurts and he doesn’t understand nor thinks its wrong. He is new to Christianity any tips?

  • Crystal

    My husband has been caught with porn on his phone many times and last night he finally admitted to having a problem. He doesn’t understand how it is wrong to watch it but wants to stop please pray for him.

  • Karen Marie Vela

    it saddens me that you place so much on looks. Stop looking at the looks and look at the heart. there is no reason to say that you need an attractive partner. Such a bogus and lame excuse

  • Becky T.

    I am a woman, I am struggling with this porn addiction and I am married as well. Every time, I watched it, I know it is wrong and I told my husband the truth. He kept forgiving me no matter what because he still love me for who I am. He put a lot of block of porn on internet and my iPhone as passcode. I want to be a better wife to my husband who is truly, deeply, and madly in love with me. I has been struggle with this addiction since I was 20 years old. It is not easy at all. I know it would hurt my marriage and especially my husband. All I need to keep asking God for His forgiveness and resist this addiction before it get worse. Please pray for me. Thanks!

  • Becky T.

    FYI: I am deaf and my English is not that great.

  • PJ

    Maybe I am wired differently but my husband and i are Christians and we have a near perfect marriage. Our sex life is amazing. We watch porn together sometimes. It isnt even about finding the actors attractive. It is just something we enjoy doing. Others shouldnt assume that every person who views porn has a problem or that it is ruining their marriage.

  • Shawn

    I to have been struggling for a long time and your right about the guilt and being mad at yourself and also dissapointing God and your spouse.Esprcially when you promise yourself or God you won’t do it again.That when it hurts the most when you lie to God and yourself and dissapoint both in the process.And porn also makes your spouse feel like there not wanted or there not good enough.It also makes you want this perfect woman or male that you are attracted to.That doesn’t truly exist.People even watching tv and desiring a celeb or a person and say wow i want him or her.You have already commited adultry against yourselves.God will bring you the petson he has in store for you just wait patiently.Ask him to heal you.But woman are more emotional and they will try to get support from a man who is not there husband or they will fall into the lies of fairytale princes and think there is a perfect man out there.Alot us man get support from porn or watch another woman and lusting.Pornography doesnt have to be graphic can just be a sexual desire.Well I hope I helped some of you and let God the father, God the son and the holy spirit guide you into the truth.God Bless you all!

  • Starla

    Thank you for this, I have been batteling this addiction from my husband due to his addiction. It has even gone to a point where I would make it seem Okay and do this things along with. I have come to realize this infidelity is no place for two people trying to commit to one another, It’s devilish and devious ways has taking a toll on our “Intamacy ” the focus is no longer on us, Sad but true It’s On Porn! This needs to come to an end, I ask you all to please pray for us. Thank you and I hope this helps other marriages break away from this addiction.

  • Truly, thank you for posting this. Pornography is becoming increasingly rampant in its accessibility and people must know there are resources and help available.

    Please check out my blog which has articles, sermon notes, etc. on a variety of topics including: “About Pornography”, “Self Esteem”, “About Masturbation”, “Homosexuality”, “God’s word”, and “Purity”:

    http://www.babypinkroses.blogspot.com

  • Kristin

    My husband was sneaking around while lying about watching porn. After catching him several times, and being disgusted by how he made me feel I fought back dirty. I sat on the couch and turned it back on commenting on how big the males were, and how much the females seemed to be enjoying such manly men. Then I kept ordering the most offensive (not excluding tranny porn), and out porned him. He hasn’t watched since, and honestly I find it hilarious.

  • Ben Conrad

    We have a great group at Celebrate Recovery for this exact type of thing. So many Christian men struggle with this addiction. If you need help, please reach out and get the support that you need.

  • john

    Blaming your dad for your problems isn’t going to solve anything. A lot of you need to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.. Get over this poor pitiful me act.

  • amanda

    It almost destroyed my marriage. I was using my husbands computer and had to close out a download so it would run faster. Once I did I saw the download. Then I found tons of downloaded movies, searched his history and I even found where he canceled a subscription. I confronted him he said he would stop well he didnt . It came down to him stopping or I was leaving him. So he did counseling for a year. I guess its helped. I still search his tablet, check his account and etc. I’m just having a hard time trusting that he’s really stopped. I guess its something that will always be in the back of mind. Not sure how to get that trust back.

  • Christy

    Have you ever stopped to consider that the people you are watching when you watch porn are children of God even if they don’t know it? He loves them from all eternity with infinite love. Jesus said that *whatever* you do to the least of my children you do to Me. Would you treat Him as an object instead of as a beloved person? Please consider praying for them instead of watching them. They need the prayers of every person who claims to be Christian.

  • Doug

    Is it still considered bad if the photos are of your spouse and only your spouse???

  • I would like to sa

    I would like to say thank you for all of this advice my husband && i are going through this and im happy to know there is still faith we can make it please pray for me and my family¡!!

  • Someone

    Porn is not the only thing that ruins a marriage. Three Somes do too. All it takes is 1 drunk night and things happen and now all that’s on my mind is that and I’m 6 months pregnant. It’s a daily struggle but I’m getting through it day by day.

  • julie

    Praying for you.

  • bill

    Is homemade sex videos with your wife considered porn? I love watching videos of my wife and I and have absolutely no urge to even glance at traditional porn.

  • Erik

    I too struggled with pornography. Exposed to it at 4 years old it took me confessing my addiction in a premarital class at our church in front of my now wife at age 25 to break free of those chains. Thank God!

  • AP

    I have a question…. I really think God is trying to communicate to me but I don’t know what he’s saying…. my question is: I have found porn dating sites on my husband phone 3 times in the last 2 yrs. I told my husband that if I found him making profiles and such on his phone again that I was done with our marriage….. Last night I happened to be on the porch by a window and saw him laying on the couch looking up women’s profiles on a nude site and watching their videos. What do I need to do? My marriage has been failing for over 7 months. He doesn’t talk to me. He’s gone with his friends day and night. There is zero intimacy. I have a disease called endometriosis and intercourse is so painful. I have surgery next month to have a full hysterectomy, and I’m only 28 yrs old.

    I’m so hurt, mentally, I’m hard on myself about my condition and my husband offers zero support to me or our 1 yr old son. I don’t know what to do, I’m so very lost. Does God ever say enough about staying in a marriage that has zero love? Any comments will help.

  • dave willis

    I’m praying for you and your husband. I’d encourage you to check out the site http://www.XXXchurch.com to find resources to help with your husband’s porn addiction and I’d also encourage you to visit http://www.SaveMyMarriage.com for some resources to help with your marriage. Don’t lose hope.

  • Gina

    @ John:

    GennaMaries Saying that her fathers addiction affected her is not blaming him for her faults or failing to be responsible for them. How quickly you would attack a person who has already been hurt! Perhaps you are responding to some personal guilt.? The fact is that pornography can and does affect the way a man views a woman. It pollutes and skews their perspective of what a healthy relationship is. I’m offended by your attack on this woman.

  • janet

    Brian,

    It is just as important for your wife to understand that these books are inappropriate and that this is something that bothers you. I wouldn’t want my husband looking at porn and I respect him enough that I do not read those books. No reason to “escape” when I have the real thing in my husband.

  • dwe

    I am a husband (20+ yrs) and father of awesome sons. I have struggled with porn since my early teen years. My wife has been hurt by this many times…and I know have not given my sons the best of myself because of it as well. I have often blamed our random and intermittent sex life (wife’s physical issues and low desire). I know this does not make it acceptable as God calls me to offer my wife and Him my best.

    I read many woman’s (and men’s) responses and though I understand deep hurt and betrayal…and that feelings are real and need to be expressed…the condemnation I feel is catastrophic. To feel powerless in the midst of deep self loathing because of this issue and how it hurts others and self…it is enough to cause me to think/believe loved ones would be better off without me….

  • dave willis

    Thank you for sharing your struggle. I’m praying for you and your wife. I’d also encourage you to visit http://www.XXXchurch.com for help to break free of porn.

  • abby

    Im struggling with the same problem with my husband. i found out a few weeks after we got married and since then it has been a really hard strugle to over come alond with cheating. it has been really hard to forgive my husband for everything he has done that sometimes i feel like giving up. i dont know what to do in order to make him give it a bigger effort to change his ways.

  • sara

    As long as my husband and I have been together, he’s been struggling against porn. It first startes as an early teen for him. I explained time and time again how it made me feel worthless, ugly, and I felt as if I wasnt what he wanted. That I was the problem. We wenton a vicious cycle every 3 months, like clock work. It was the longest he could hold off. He finally broke down and confessed his problem openly. I was so broken I was ready to leave if he didnt change. I had never been more hurt in my entire life. I told him that. He’s been faithful to me, to our marriage, for 10 months now. Longest stretch he has ever had. But now I have an issue with even watching a Rated-R movie with a quick nudity shot. He gets upset because we were big movie-goers and nowadays the good movies all have some form of nudity in them. Im at a loss because once again I feel inadequate and like its my fault he’s unhappy. My trust has been completely broken. Ive forgiven him and we’re both trying to move forward and on to bigger and better things. But I cant get past the movies. Its a reminder of all the pain. What do i do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Julie

    Porn Did ruin my marriage!!

  • Dee

    So heartbreaking. My marriage of 15 yrs is the same.. How do you check smartphones, iPhone for this if they delete everything? They use Google app not safari and not signed into Google account. I’ve tried bc I’ve suspected it again after being promised it’s stopped. I just don’t trust. Thanks

  • Amanda

    Is masturbating wrong? for both male and female? Is it sinful to masturbate when you are even single or married? i’m sorry it is not really the issue being discussed but i just need your opinion.

    Thank you.

  • Shelly

    Thanks for covering this topic. A friend of mine led a Bible study on the book, ’50 Shades of Grey’ and told me not to read it. She said that it’s porn and bad for marriages. I have not read the book, and I don’t plan to see the movie. I am happily married (10 years this week), 4 kiddos, and we have a strong marriage. My husband and I watched a porn movie (well, part of it) one night……neither of us has seen any before, and we kinda laughed due to the lack of story line. Not for us. Not again. We were curious and saw it together. We both prefer our intimacy as opposed to the movie.

  • dave willis

    Amanda, great question! People have been arguing about that one from the dawn of time. One thing we know for sure (from the Bible) is that “lust” is wrong. Any sexual fantasy not involving your spouse and any objectifying of another person for sexual gratification is wrong, so my first question wouldn’t be “Is masturbation wrong?” but rather, is there lust leading to the masturbation? I would have to think that most the time, lust (which is a sin) is the reason for the masturbating. Just my two cents.

  • dave willis

    Sara, this is NOT your fault! I’m praying for you both. I’d encourage you to check out our upcoming video series http://www.BestSexLifeNow.com where we’ll address these issues in more detail.

  • Cassie

    Thank you so much for sharing. My husband has recently seen the destruction that porn causes in a family and has confessed and made himself accountable to several men in our church. He now has a heart for helping other men with the same struggle. He’s done some research and studying, and a lot of talking to me and is concerned that confessing this sin to a wife right away could do more harm than good, and may even break up the marriage. While he wholeheartedly agrees that the first step to recovery is bringing this sin into the open, there will quite likely be a few times when a man will stumble. Finding out that your husband is addicted to porn can be devastating. Learning that he went back to it can be the last straw for some women. My husband has wondered if maybe the men who come ready for change should not mention their addiction to their wives for the first six months of recovery (provided she does not already know). This would save her the pain of feeling cheated on when he does fail. It has always been our policy to never keep secrets from your spouse, and Satan’s best tool is a secret. A man absolutely needs to have some discipleship and accountability, but does the wife needs to know right away? We certainly do not want to cause a marriage to fail. What are your thoughts on this?

  • CJ

    No matter what Pornography DOES destroy your spirit, gets you away from God and hurts you and those around you. I didn’t know my husband had this addiction (sickness) for many yrs, since he was a teenager. He introduced me to porn movies to “spiced up” our sexual life, I won’t lie I enjoyed it for a moment and took me to a higher level of ecstasy but right after it made me feel sick and grossed. We did watch porn once on a while thinking it was ok if we did it together. Until little by little things started to change between us, to the point that he admitted to have a problem with this addiction even before we got married, it had been something on and off in his life to the point of having a one night stand with a woman he contacted on line. If it wasn’t for the work of God in my heart, that I was able to understand his struggles with this problem I was never been able to forgive him and give it another chance to our 21 yrs of marriage. It has been a year since I found out about his problem and with the help of God, our church leaders, praying together, reading the scriptures my broken heart has been healing. I still struggle with the trust but try not to make it to obvious. I hope and pray for some day I can trust him with close eyes and unconditional love him with all my heart like I used to do. Now my heart and my soul are in the recovery process, I know it takes time and effort together with the help and blessings of God.

  • Kimberley Dial

    I love your heart !

  • Lee

    The best way to quit porn (or any other sin for that matter) is to immediately put it completely out of your life, and keep it out. The best way to deal with temptation is James 4:7 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you”. It’s not rocket science.

  • b

    My husband and I have been having a lot of problems with the whole porn thing. I have let him know how it bothers me and I have cought him in action. And it bothered me so bad…it made me feel like I wasn’t doing things right! But he still does it and very often. What does this mean?

  • Jesse

    Thank you very much for sharing, I’m currently struggling with this and I pray daily that God is with me during trying times. I’m not married but I don’t want to come into a relationship with this issue.

  • Broken

    My dad was addicted to porn. It has ruined everything. One site he found in particular was young girls who appeared to be legal. Long story short, many thousand $ later, our family is divided. My mom struggling to keep what they worked for, as they *were* approaching retirement. Grandkids who will not know him. Children divided between parents. Our lives have been wrecked. Imagine the authorities taking everything electronic, pic, video, phone, CD, DVD, everything. Then slowly getting a box back at a time, ( wedding photos, videos, newborn pics, dance recitals )& after a stranger has completely invaded your belongings you get them back slowly & painfully one box at a time. Not to mention making the news. I am a grown child who is suffering from the consequences of my father’s choices. If this hasn’t brought any light to anyone then nothing will. The laws have changed for this recently. It is not taken lightly anymore. Either you are searching for illegal matetial or not, you are playing the devils game. It will find you & then I pray it does not hurt everyone you love in the worst ways. Imagine the thoughts of what your daughters now think of their fathers . As a daughter I felt no value. My mother I ebven describe to you her hell on earth. I’ve lost my father for quite some time. He will not see his grandkids grow, meet our next child until they are older. I don’t want anyone’s family to suffer the way mine has. Porn is an awful addiction. & an addicted you will keep chasing. I don’t know how else to end this, but in the last few yrs we’ve split a family that was strong. Now we pick up the pieces & pray for healing. please learn from my families situation. As many will judge & that is ok. The prosecution stated they were unsure if the materials obtained were intentional. Regardless it was still a careless crime which deserves punishment. And now there are many consequences our family has felt, more to come. I can give light to one husband, one father, one grandfather, or one uncle. Then this post was most definitely worth putting out there. We are a normal, everyday, nothing could ever happen to us like that family. Well, we were anyway. God be with us, as every day is a struggle. It is said no one sin is greater to God then another. But explaining to every member in your family the situation not to mention friends, Co workers and more. This is the stuff that you can’t take back. You can’t tell me much I haven’t already thought of or discussed with our family. But I can show you our battle wounds &I hope you see they are real. from the young to the old our family is broken. You can’t undo this, but you can make sure your daughter never feels like me. Your grandchildren never ask for you, because you’ve chosen to be there instead of wrapped in sin. Your wife, never shattered to the weakest point, BC your desire to download. Don’t risk your family on this filth.

  • Very well done! This will help not only married men but single and engaged men as well to realize that they are, of course, not “alone” in their struggle and that there is hope.

  • Kate

    I really appreciate you publishing this article. I have gotten in many arguments with male friends because I am completely against porn and every man I know says “it’s not cheating, it’s harmless fun” and many of them even go so far as to start watching it to get turned on and then go get their wives so they can “finish”. That is disgusting! Our society is very promiscuous and needs a really good wake up call! Please post anther article similar to this one talking about strip clubs. That’s another one men think is completely fine.

  • anonymous

    So-i read the first 2 paragraph’s & started laughing and couldn’t continue. I am 31 and my husband and I have been married almost 10 years but have been together since we were 17. We have 3 beautiful children and just like normal marriages have experienced some ups and downs. But have learned to communicate and work through it. He is the love of my life, my soul mate, I couldn’t imagine life without him & I know he feels the same towards me. Our sex life has only gotten better year by year! It doesn’t bother me not even a little bit that occasionally he will watch porn. Truthfully I watch it sometimes as well. Plus from time to time we’ll watch it together while being intimate. it has not hurt our marriage cause jealousy or trust issues or any of the other things that were said it causes. I really thought this article was about something else and was a waste of energy to read. although this is just our marriage can’t say how it affects others.

  • meghan

    @DaveWillis

    Dave, my husband and I have watched porn together a few times to make our sex more intense for that session I guess you could say. Neither my husband or I are addicted to porn. We just thought it would be “sexy” to watch together. My husband has told me if we don’t watch it he’s completely fine with it. I have been the one to initiate it. Why is watching porn together bad for our marriage? Thanks.

  • dave willis

    Meghan, I’d strongly encourage you and your husband to stay away from porn for the reasons I talked about in this post.

  • dave willis

    I obviously disagree with you, but I do appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts (even though you didn’t take the time to read the whole post).

  • Shelly hickman

    I have dealt with this also for 25 years , his was the masturbating while just watching country music awards or a movie but mostly his is the i.d. channels of jealously sex crimes.and then he disappears to the bathroom for 30 min. Or longer many times I have confronted him and told him I knew what he was doing but he tells me I am insecure and I think I am a mind reader we do not have the best of a sex life because of the feelings I get stemming from these hide outs in the bathrooms this was happening when we were just dating but I was to young and nieve to know what was happening although I do remember we were on the couch and there was a movie on of a blonde running around in a skimpy swimsuit and he jumped and ran to bathroom and that always comes back to my mind after I have realized as time went by what was going on he is not much on having a love and sexually relationship with me it’s always been to please him in other manners besides sex can someone tell me what to do and how to handle my situation I have recently been contemplating leaving and trying to find love and acceptance in my life someway he is also a port watcher and I am just tired of living my life in this manner are all men driven by this I have no idea if it is in every man’s life or not I just know the hurt and pain I have felt for 25 years I feel like my whole life has been for his pleasure only sexually, Help Me ..about ready to give up we do jot even have a conversation anymore he cannot lay the controller to the television down long enough to hold.a conversation he hardly ever comes to bed because he is always searching the channels for nudity in any manner or porn it’s began to really turn my stomach to think I will live this way till the end

  • Andrew Corben

    It became quite clear to me that this is a christian website at the title. Got here from Youtube.

    I’ve been happily married for 15 years, porn is not regarded as something disgusting in our house but a celebration of our bodies.

    My wife is very happy, we’re very faithful to each other and zero complaints. But hey, not everyone can handle it, it’s just the Christians tend to express opinions as facts and share their life experience as though it was gospel. It’s so pompous and small-minded, but that’s to be expected when you regard a book that’s been translated a thousand times and reinterpreted by thousands of people as fact.

    I myself prefer Lord of the Rings.

  • anonymously here

    I haven’t talked to anyone. I have tried discussing it with my spouse though. I know it is a “man” thing or maybe not. I get called the only woman ever to have a problem with it. My issue isn’t that he does it. Just that he does it consistently in secret or what he thinks is secret. I just want him to be open with me. I grew up not being pretty enough skinny enough etc. It might be a self confidence issue within myself. But I would feel better if he was more honest with me about it. If I wear something revealing, why do I need to put more clothes on if that’s what he’s searching for on the Internet? Or is it because watching it is someone he can’t have? I try to talk to him but it isn’t working.

    We’ve watched some together but honestly it’s so fake and unrealistic it’s not even a turn on. Or maybe it just isn’t for me. He tells his friends he’s “not allowed” to watch it but it wouldn’t matter anyway because he will sneak watch it. There’s things that could be done with that time. Like helping me when I’m at work. Take the trash out, fix something. Maybe he got his fix watching all that when I’m not home.

    More or less if he is, if would just be honest with me about it, I probably wouldn’t care anyways much. And maybe the excitement of him sneak watching wouldn’t be there anymore?

  • john smith

    Why is porn THAT bad? Relieving yourself is a natural thing and porn makes it better. Sometimes I’ll watch it 7 days a week. Im not addicted to it though because I got a nice new phone 3 weeks ago and don’t want it to get viruses and slow so I haven’t watched any pen on it. Idfc I’m not going to go find a higher power for watching something that excites you. I’m in an amazing relationship and we have very intimate sex. But we live far away and we both watch porn when we are not with each other and are open about it with each other. I’ve learned things my gf like by the type of videos she’s told me she’s watched. There is no shame in something natural. Sometimes we “make love” and sometimes we will fuck hard with no intimacy. Sometimes we watch porn with each other. I love my sex life because of porn and its damaged nothing!

  • john smith

    We also have been together three years. We have a very strong relationship. If your wife can’t trust you and you need to rebuild parts of your marriage because you watched porn? Idek what to say about that! Who cares.. Tell her maybe if she gave it up more than just on your anniversary every year and had some good sex you’d have no need. I bet she’s the type that won’t give head. Sit her down, slap on a nice porno and if it doesn’t get her in the mood then kick that bitch to the curb. Sex is not everything but I feel VERY close to my girlfriend when we have sex. Its personal and intimate then we can lay there for hours just looking into eachothers eyes. Sex isn’t a sin. Have fun, spiceit up a bit. If you and your wife aren’t having sex and when you do its always just that one position you do every time real slow then go to bed isn’t a healthy sex life which is actually proven to cause stress and provoke fights. Have sex every night and see how you feel in the morning and how much closer and intimate you feel with your spouse.

  • Brandon M.

    lol You are certainly a straight forward kind of guy. But I think that this article is for people seeking to honor God with their lives and even their bodies. When someone embraces being made in God’s image and begins to “hunger and thirst for righteousness” (as Jesus mentioned during the Sermon of the Mount in Matthew chapter 5), God gives them the desire for a clean conscience as well as a holy and pure way of life that emulates Christ. In regards to sexual sin; I think that a person can become so desensitized to sexual innuendo on screen and being turned on by explicit videos and even their own imagination to such a point that they may not realize how they are subtly being corrupted. Viewing other people having sex or even actors pretending to have sexual experiences can corrupt you and is impure and inappropriate. Wanting to learn more about sex is one thing, but watching others do it causes impure lustful thoughts and emotions that do not honor God in the way a married couple seeking deeper intimacy and fun in the privacy of their own home does. We must all be careful not to be deceived even by our own passions and pleasures. “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4

  • Becky Herzberg

    I never thought my relationship would be effected by this social monster since I surrender myself to my boyfriend of 3 years whenever he desires…. However, we’ve hit a rough spot. The last 2 years our sex life has been slowly diminishing. I have tried many things out of my comfort zone to keep him interested. But nothing seems to work. He was caught with filthy pictures on his snapchat account the day after christmas (2014) and I didn’t handle it well. Then I found out from his cousin a week later they had watched it together a year ago while I was working 2 jobs. It hurt… bad. I have tried and tried and lowered myself to the disgusting trash he was looking at just to continuously be ignored for porn. He claims he no longer watching it… but after all his lies before, I’m obviously not falling for that again. My question is, since we’re just dating… should I quit trying?

  • SC

    What about erotic novels/stories? (AKA erotica or “mommy porn”)

  • PaulNSH

    The study that concluded Utah had the highest rate of porn use is misleading for two reasons. First, the data didn’t come from all porn providers. Second, the data was not adjusted for other demographics. For example, porn use is more prevalent among younger people, and Utah has a younger population.
    http://virtuoussociety.com/2014/04/16/rethinking-mormons-and-porn-utah-40th-in-us-in-new-porn-data/

  • Dominick Santore

    Dave, did you believe any of the excuses you listed, or did you know it was wrong and realized you sinned and that’s why you felt guilty over it..