Here at the NRA, Jesus doesn’t just die for you, he fights for you, too.
While Jesus was still speaking, Judas, one of the twelve, arrived; 1 with him was a large crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer Judas had given them a sign, saying, ‘The one I will kiss is the man; arrest him.’ At once he came up to Jesus and said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ and kissed him.2 Jesus said to him, ‘Friend, do what you are here to do.’ Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and arrested him. Suddenly, one of those with Jesus put his hand on his sword, drew it, and struck the slave of the high priest, cutting off his ear. Jesus said to to him, ‘Put your sword back into its place; for all who take the sword will perish by the sword. But those who carry an assault rifle shall never perish but have eternal life.’And, lo, the Lord stood his ground and drew out his AR-15. He smote his enemies and betrayer in a miraculously short amount of time by the power of his high-capacity magazine.3
Then Jesus said, “There will be gun control and rumors of gun control, but they do not know the day and hour when an assault rifle will be needed to defend ourselves. But understand this: if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and shot the thief dead. Therefore you also must be ready. But fear not. Even though I must leave you, be glad for it. For if I do not go, then I cannot send to you the Advocate that will guide you into all truth and security.4
1 Clearly, given his later suicide, Judas was mentally ill and his deranged mind led him to betray Christ. If only Jesus had only been able to screen his followers through a national database of the mentally ill and thus predict his betrayal before it happened, then the tragedy of Gethsemane would have been prevented.
2 The gay agenda contributes to mental illness, and Judas’ willingness to kiss another man in public shows how homosexuality undermines basic understandings of morality.
3 In the actual Gospel, Jesus heals the slave’s ear and ends his quotation that those who live by the sword will die by the sword. We at the NRA and other gun lobbies believe this to be the work of a later redactor. We cannot imagine Jesus being willing to die without a fight. There is only power in strength and violence. Moreover, this false gospel of nonviolence and love triumphing over evil contradicts our work at the NRA. We know that only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. So we have added an ending that we believe better reflects who we want Jesus to be. We are convinced that had Jesus been born today, he most certainly would be in favor of guns, would have carried assault rifles, turned his disciples into a militia and would never have been crucified. This inclination is clearly seen in his inclusion of a zealot in his inner circle. Now, he might have been mowed down in a firefight, but at least he would have stood his ground and would have gone down fighting like a real man. Some causes are worth not just dying for but fighting for.
4 Today, so that Scripture may be fulfilled, unnamed gun lobbies, in conjunction with manufacturers, are announcing a new assault rifle and high-capacity magazine called The Advocate and are offering it at cost to all public and private schools throughout the United States. In the wake of tragedy, The Advocate will never leave or forsake you; neither will it jam.
Thanks to my friend Matthew Worsfold.