The Gospel of Our Lord, according to St. NRA for the Feast of National Gun Appreciation Day

Here at the NRA, Jesus doesn’t just die for you, he fights for you, too.

The Gospel of Our Lord, Annotated and Edited for National Gun Appreciation Day:

While Jesus was still speaking, Judas, one of the twelve, arrived; 1 with him was a large crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer Judas had given them a sign, saying, ‘The one I will kiss is the man; arrest him.’ At once he came up to Jesus and said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ and kissed him.2 Jesus said to him, ‘Friend, do what you are here to do.’ Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and arrested him. Suddenly, one of those with Jesus put his hand on his sword, drew it, and struck the slave of the high priest, cutting off his ear. Jesus said to to him, ‘Put your sword back into its place; for all who take the sword will perish by the sword. But those who carry an assault rifle shall never perish but have eternal life.’And, lo, the Lord stood his ground and drew out his AR-15. He smote his enemies and betrayer in a miraculously short amount of time by the power of his high-capacity magazine.3

Then Jesus said, “There will be gun control and rumors of gun control, but they do not know the day and hour when an assault rifle will be needed to defend ourselves. But understand this: if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and shot the thief dead. Therefore you also must be ready. But fear not. Even though I must leave you, be glad for it. For if I do not go, then I cannot send to you the Advocate that will guide you into all truth and security.4

Talking Points Footnotes:

1 Clearly, given his later suicide, Judas was mentally ill and his deranged mind led him to betray Christ. If only Jesus had only been able to screen his followers through a national database of the mentally ill and thus predict his betrayal before it happened, then the tragedy of Gethsemane would have been prevented.

2 The gay agenda contributes to mental illness, and Judas’ willingness to kiss another man in public shows how homosexuality undermines basic understandings of morality.

3 In the actual Gospel, Jesus heals the slave’s ear and ends his quotation that those who live by the sword will die by the sword. We at the NRA and other gun lobbies believe this to be the work of a later redactor. We cannot imagine Jesus being willing to die without a fight. There is only power in strength and violence. Moreover, this false gospel of nonviolence and love triumphing over evil contradicts our work at the NRA. We know that only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. So we have added an ending that we believe better reflects who we want Jesus to be. We are convinced that had Jesus been born today, he most certainly would be in favor of guns, would have carried assault rifles, turned his disciples into a militia and would never have been crucified. This inclination is clearly seen in his inclusion of a zealot in his inner circle. Now, he might have been mowed down in a firefight, but at least he would have stood his ground and would have gone down fighting like a real man. Some causes are worth not just dying for but fighting for.

4 Today, so that Scripture may be fulfilled, unnamed gun lobbies, in conjunction with manufacturers, are announcing a new assault rifle and high-capacity magazine called The Advocate and are offering it at cost to all public and private schools throughout the United States. In the wake of tragedy, The Advocate will never leave or forsake you; neither will it jam.

___

Thanks to my friend Matthew Worsfold.

About David R. Henson

David Henson received his Master of Arts from Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, California, after receiving a Lilly Grant for religious education for journalists. He ordained in the Episcopal Church as a priest. He is a father of two young sons and the husband of a medical school student.

  • ASmith

    That is brilliant. I can’t tell you how many times I wonder what Bible the extremist “Christians” read. Now it makes a lot more sense.

    • Marmomi2001

      Those extremists are not following true Christian doctrine. As a Christian believer, I get so tired of these extremists using the Bible to hide behind their own agenda.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/LeLinda-Faulk/520384898 LeLinda Faulk

        Just like Taliban and Al Quada use the Quran Marmomi2001.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1518851559 Kathryn J Maver

        Are you for real, or are you being satirical in response to satire? If you’re being satirical, well played!

  • Marmomi2001

    Sorry, to equate the Lord with assault rifles is just plain madness. I’m a Christian, and I am for strict gun control. The Lord fights spiritually, not with an assault weapon.

    • Marmomi2001

      By the way, the Scripture reads “wars and rumors of wars.” Where did you come up with “gun control and rumors of gun control?” That’s like saying that if you believe in psychological testing, longer waiting periods, stiffer penalties for those committing crimes with a gun, and banning assault weapons, then you’re not a true believer. Well, I’m an advocate of all those things, and I AM a Christian believer. I just get irritated when people use Scripture to make excuses for their own behavior and to further their own “cause.”

      • THG

        You obviously have no idea what the hell satire is.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1518851559 Kathryn J Maver

        You might want to look up the meaning of satire . . .

      • http://twitter.com/DavidRHenson David Henson

        I am an advocate of those things too. This piece is satirical.

      • Adagwood1

        Hey, Marmomi2001, do you know what satire is? If not, you really should acquaint yourself with that literary genre before you comment on a submission such as this.

      • cfc

        A satire means anything that is made to make fun of another thing. This piece is made for laughter, not as an interpretation of the bible.

      • malagachica

        Marmomi2001: again, please listen carefully: THIS IS SATIRE. If you’re not sure what this means, read Grandmother Angri’s post above. It is excellent that you, as a Christian, believe in strict gun control, but it’s also important that you read everything critically, carefully and THINK before you write – if you can’t do this there will be people out there who are ready to manipulate your good intentions.

    • http://patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson David R. Henosn

      This is satire. I’m am lampooning the gun lobbies.

    • http://leftcheek.blogspot.com Jas-nDye

      Marmomi is obviously a Poe. Must be. Please, Lord Jesus, be joking…

  • J.yerg

    You are all f***ing insane! You know there’s great condemnation in the Bible for those who alter or change it?! Pull your head our of your asses!

    • D Lowrey

      Sounds like you need to actually read the book you claim to know so much about. Turn off Focus on the Family and Faux Lies so you will have the time to actually read it. This is satire…in case you never covered that in your English classes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pattimidge.hall Patti Midge Hall

    This really is no joke. The Bible rebukes those who would change the Word of the Lord! I hope you feel happy enough now to pay for your just rewards!

    • http://twitter.com/DavidRHenson David Henson

      This is satire, Patti.

  • http://twitter.com/DavidRHenson David Henson

    Hey folks, this is satire.

    • Pam

      In those times, there will be satires and rumours of satires…

  • http://leftcheek.blogspot.com Jas-nDye

    I blame the crazy homerseksyooals!!

  • Grandmother Angri

    For those who are ignorant of this purpose of this piece, this from Wikipedia might help.

    “Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon.”

  • ed

    Um, Marmomi2001, you do know this is satire?

  • http://twitter.com/MAGuyton Morgan Guyton

    My fave is talking point 2.

  • Thakiser4

    So according to your logic, if Martin Luther King Jr was a “real man” he would’ve told all black people NOT to be peaceful but instead to grab an assault rifle & kill every white man,woman & child they see. Ya know, since real men dont achieve anything through peace…right??

    • http://patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson David R. Henson

      This is a satirical blog post. I am lampooning gun lobbies.

  • Kat

    The people who seem like they don’t understand that this is satire; they’re kidding right?

  • not_so_fast

    Oh, sweet Jesus…how can you people not realize that this is satire?

  • Wassothree

    I saw this on a facebook page first, where there wer many comments taking it seriously, and I see some such comments here, as well. First, I simply read and enjoyed the spoof, which I knew it would be even before starting to read it, such were the obvious signs in the title, let alone the clever text. Taken in the spirit with which it was written, it is meant to provoke thoughts of how absurd some of the right-wing rhetoric and talking points are in regards to gun control, especially when espoused by self-proclaimed evangelical Christians. The mass paranoia about the prospect of no longer being able to buy a certain disputed class of weapon is baffling and worrisome. THEN, as I read the comments on this post, it is possibly even more shocking how many people cannot distinguish sarcastic irony from a straightforward post of an actual NRA claim. Unfortunately, those I speak of will undoubtedly be unable to comprehend my own comments here, and the intended targets of the original satire will not recognize their own reflection in the piece. So, I offer my simultaneous compliments and sympathies to Mr. David Henson.

  • Luiz Carlos Rios-Abreu

    To all the Christians who did not get the satire, read footnote 3 (partially reproduced below)
    “…love triumphing over evil contradicts our work at the NRA. We know that only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. So we have added an ending that we believe better reflects who we want Jesus to be.”
    No only does it clearly mention the NRA, it takes expressions “good guy with a gun” and “bad guy with a gun” right from Wayne LaPierre’s speech one week after the Newtown shooting. Furthermore, “who we want Jesus to be.” makes it very clear that the author, who is likely not a member of the NRA, is presenting what the NRA might have written if the NRA wrote the bible. The author is not pretending to that what being presented is the actual liturgy.

  • Ckadey

    The only sad part about this is that there are people out there that would believe this if it was shown to them. Talk about not getting satirical writing.

  • http://warnerwoodworth.com Warner Woodworth

    David, this is good and very funny writing. I just can’t believe some comments are so serious. No wonder the lunatics are trying to secede from our country and build a new Republican Republic. These folks apparently have no sense of humor when it comes to worshiping their guns instead of Jesus:)

  • Amckeever

    Holy Moly, David Henson. You are amazing! Hope you don’t mind that I shared this and your Beyonce’ piece on facebook along with my accolades for your fabulous writing. When’s your book being published. Can I pre-order? Blessings, Your Number One Fan, Rev. Anne

    • http://www.facebook.com/unorthodoxologist David Henson

      I decided to reply here rather than on the Beyoncé post. It was hard to find a single comment among the 200. Actually, I am in your diocese, if you’re Northern California. I was a reporter in Vacaville and went to Grace Fairfield, my sending parish. I’m a candidate for ordination there, and just finished my GOEs. I’ll be out there in a month or two for meetings. Hit me up here on FB. Good to meet you!: https://www.facebook.com/unorthodoxologist

  • Jane Griffo

    Bad Joke! Peace in the world!! P-E-A-C-E!!

  • maro mesho

    Well well.This article made ​​me laugh so much because I see now is someone who does not know anything about Christianity and writes about them. Now you humiliated yourself because you’re not know what you are talking will not tell you anything about Jesus Christ, but I will tell you that everything I wrote was a lie composed and did not mention the Bible somethingall weapons that are talking about.Allow to tell you that you are lying and consisted of the patient’s imagination.And will not be able you and like you insult Christ because it is in the hearts and your mind, and you will see itsoon maybe not now or reel or after, but you will see

  • Pingback: dragon city hack


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X