Dispatches from Future America: Court Upholds National Day of Christianity

[Editor's Note: The day after after publishing my article on the abuse of standing, I found a message with a strange attachment in my inbox, sent through an anonymous remailer. This attachment presented itself as a story clipped from a newspaper published in a future version of America. The author of the message wouldn't explain how they acquired it, other than a cryptic comment about wormholes. I have no way to verify this admittedly fantastic account, but thought it best to reprint the story so you can judge for yourself. —Ebonmuse]

WASHINGTON, D.C. (June 24, 2035) — In a case closely watched by legal experts, the Supreme Court defeated a challenge to the law passed by Congress last year establishing a National Day of Christianity. Ruling unanimously, the high court found that the controversial law, which requires the President to issue an annual proclamation declaring Christianity the established religion of the United States, does not do any injury to atheists and agnostics that would grant them standing to sue.

“In issuing this ruling, we uphold the glorious traditions of our founding fathers,” Supreme Court Chief Justice Sarah Palin said in a statement outside the courthouse. “Great men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams knew that America would never prosper unless all its citizens were washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. That’s why they explicitly implied when they signed the Constitution that our country was always meant to be a Christian nation.”

Court watchers weren’t surprised by the outcome of the case. “The groundwork for this ruling was laid in the 2007 Hein decision,” said CNN analyst Stewart Kilgore. “When the Supreme Court found that it didn’t violate the Constitution for the President to use tax dollars to fund religion, they began a decades-long trend of narrowing the criteria under which citizens could sue for church-state violations. This ruling is a logical followup to the 2032 Flask decision which gave churches with more than 10,000 members the power of eminent domain so that they could seize and condemn neighboring houses to expand their parking lot.”

Prior to today’s ruling, several aspects of the law had drawn fire from the left. Among its most controversial provisions is a measure which requires all Americans to attend worship services once per week at a church which is on the government’s official list of approved congregations. This measure, which required the hiring of over one million enforcement agents by the newly created Department of Homeland Orthodoxy, was denounced by liberal activists.

The court also found this aspect of the law to be constitutional.

“The mandatory worship-attendance measure is simply ceremonial deism,” said Associate Justice David Barton, “which serves the secular purpose of teaching Americans about the history and culture of our country in a neutral and objective manner. The mandatory minimum sentences for not attending are in no way coercive. After all, no one is being forced to agree with what they hear from the pulpit.”

Spokesmen for the Republican Party praised the decision. “The National Day of Christianity law is a much-needed countermeasure to the out-of-control influence of the godless American left,” said RNC chairman R.J. Rushdoony Jr. “This lawsuit was utterly without merit, a publicity stunt concocted by angry, Christian-hating radicals who want to scrub any vestige of God from the public square. We’re gratified that the high court has seen fit to agree.”

But while they’re still celebrating their latest Supreme Court victory, American Christians have set their sights on grander goals. Republican members of Congress have voiced grave concern over the fact that, in spite of the controversial creationism and Biblical Science classes added to public school curricula in 2029, the last census still found the percentage of atheists and agnostics in America as high as 1%.

“This overbearing atheist majority won’t be able to impose its will on real Americans for much longer,” promised President Michele Bachmann, who last week introduced a bill to create “patriotic education camps” within the large open-pit mine formerly known as West Virginia, as well as the still highly-radioactive forbidden zones of the Nevada desert. “We need all Americans to come together in faith if we’re going to build a prayer wall around our nation that’s strong enough to hold back the seawaters that have already executed God’s judgment on the sinful cities of New York and San Francisco, as well as most of Florida. The God-haters and Sodomites whose presence keeps bringing God’s wrath on us will soon learn the error of their heathen ways.”

Liberal groups were not contacted for comment regarding the President’s remarks.

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About Adam Lee

Adam Lee is an atheist writer and speaker living in New York City. His new novel, Arc of Fire, is available in paperback and e-book. Read his full bio, or follow him on Twitter.