Dispatches from Future America: Court Upholds National Day of Christianity

[Editor's Note: The day after after publishing my article on the abuse of standing, I found a message with a strange attachment in my inbox, sent through an anonymous remailer. This attachment presented itself as a story clipped from a newspaper published in a future version of America. The author of the message wouldn't explain how they acquired it, other than a cryptic comment about wormholes. I have no way to verify this admittedly fantastic account, but thought it best to reprint the story so you can judge for yourself. —Ebonmuse]

WASHINGTON, D.C. (June 24, 2035) — In a case closely watched by legal experts, the Supreme Court defeated a challenge to the law passed by Congress last year establishing a National Day of Christianity. Ruling unanimously, the high court found that the controversial law, which requires the President to issue an annual proclamation declaring Christianity the established religion of the United States, does not do any injury to atheists and agnostics that would grant them standing to sue.

“In issuing this ruling, we uphold the glorious traditions of our founding fathers,” Supreme Court Chief Justice Sarah Palin said in a statement outside the courthouse. “Great men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams knew that America would never prosper unless all its citizens were washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. That’s why they explicitly implied when they signed the Constitution that our country was always meant to be a Christian nation.”

Court watchers weren’t surprised by the outcome of the case. “The groundwork for this ruling was laid in the 2007 Hein decision,” said CNN analyst Stewart Kilgore. “When the Supreme Court found that it didn’t violate the Constitution for the President to use tax dollars to fund religion, they began a decades-long trend of narrowing the criteria under which citizens could sue for church-state violations. This ruling is a logical followup to the 2032 Flask decision which gave churches with more than 10,000 members the power of eminent domain so that they could seize and condemn neighboring houses to expand their parking lot.”

Prior to today’s ruling, several aspects of the law had drawn fire from the left. Among its most controversial provisions is a measure which requires all Americans to attend worship services once per week at a church which is on the government’s official list of approved congregations. This measure, which required the hiring of over one million enforcement agents by the newly created Department of Homeland Orthodoxy, was denounced by liberal activists.

The court also found this aspect of the law to be constitutional.

“The mandatory worship-attendance measure is simply ceremonial deism,” said Associate Justice David Barton, “which serves the secular purpose of teaching Americans about the history and culture of our country in a neutral and objective manner. The mandatory minimum sentences for not attending are in no way coercive. After all, no one is being forced to agree with what they hear from the pulpit.”

Spokesmen for the Republican Party praised the decision. “The National Day of Christianity law is a much-needed countermeasure to the out-of-control influence of the godless American left,” said RNC chairman R.J. Rushdoony Jr. “This lawsuit was utterly without merit, a publicity stunt concocted by angry, Christian-hating radicals who want to scrub any vestige of God from the public square. We’re gratified that the high court has seen fit to agree.”

But while they’re still celebrating their latest Supreme Court victory, American Christians have set their sights on grander goals. Republican members of Congress have voiced grave concern over the fact that, in spite of the controversial creationism and Biblical Science classes added to public school curricula in 2029, the last census still found the percentage of atheists and agnostics in America as high as 1%.

“This overbearing atheist majority won’t be able to impose its will on real Americans for much longer,” promised President Michele Bachmann, who last week introduced a bill to create “patriotic education camps” within the large open-pit mine formerly known as West Virginia, as well as the still highly-radioactive forbidden zones of the Nevada desert. “We need all Americans to come together in faith if we’re going to build a prayer wall around our nation that’s strong enough to hold back the seawaters that have already executed God’s judgment on the sinful cities of New York and San Francisco, as well as most of Florida. The God-haters and Sodomites whose presence keeps bringing God’s wrath on us will soon learn the error of their heathen ways.”

Liberal groups were not contacted for comment regarding the President’s remarks.

About Adam Lee

Adam Lee is an atheist writer and speaker living in New York City. His new novel, Broken Ring, is available in paperback and e-book. Read his full bio, or follow him on Twitter.

  • Dan

    A dispatch from Margaret Atwood’s Republic of Gilead, obviously.

  • http://fancy-plants.blogspot.com fancyplants

    The worrying thing is that this sounds all too plausible.

  • Le Grolandais

    It’s not so funny in a sense that religious minions have already began, allover the world, to fight freedom.
    Even in France, which has a long tradition of anti-cléricalism, the president Nicolas « F***g Bas***d » Sarkozy has already agreed that the role of a priest is more important than the role of a teacher.

  • assclown

    Reminds me of something George Orwell would write in his books…

  • MiykaelPoly

    I wish the religious would stop writing fanfiction, just the consept of “Supreme Court Chief Justice Sarah Palin” makes me wretch…

  • http://www.freethoughtbooks.org Jerryd

    This is brilliant. A reminder that catastrophes aren’t always singular events like Japan’s earthquake and tsunami, they occur piecemeal, too. One “One Nation Under God,” “In God We Trust,” “National Day of Prayer,” and “Faith-based Initiative” at a time. Almost imperceptibly your freedoms disappear until you wake up and realize your Constitution was nothing but a piece of paper, completely ineffective against the brainwashing ability of religious indoctrination methods.

  • NoAstronomer

    “The worrying thing is that this sounds all too plausible.”

    Except for the continuing existence of ‘liberal activists’.

    Mike.

  • http://anexerciseinfutility.blogspot.com Tommykey

    Ebon, for your Sarah Palin quote, you forget to end it with “You betcha.”

  • Maynard

    Meanwhile the mountainous regions of the Republic of Utah are being brought down boulder by boulder as the Western Civil War proceeds. WCW was brought about by Utah’s secession from the Union, including parts of southern Idaho and northern Arizona, over government refusal to accept the Book of Mormon as part of state-sponsored Christianity. The WCW has been primarily waged by the militia force known as The Bastard Sons of Mitt Romney, who are supported financially by the pro-secessionist party TOW (The Other Wives).

    In other news, the Rebel Uprising, initiated by the Southern Baptist Convention supporting pro-slavery verses in the Christian Bible, has quickly died out. Support dwindled significantly as white rebels taken hostage in battle were shackled and claimed as property by black pro-Unionists.

  • Sarah Braasch

    I echo the “this is brilliant” and the “this is terrifying and all too plausible” comments.

    Well done.

  • Leum

    “This overbearing atheist majority won’t be able to impose its will on real Americans for much longer,” promised President Michele Bachmann

    I believe you meant “overbearing atheist minority.”

  • Joffan

    Liberal groups were not contacted for comment regarding the President’s remarks

    … and even if they were contacted, the journalists would have been breaking several laws against consorting with outlawed unamerican organizations, so they wouldn’t admit it.

  • Eurekus

    The John Cleese description of Sarah Palin is all too accurate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMyNk8J1c8g. Due to her being so good at regurgitating other’s ideas, she may please to the point that her holding the ‘Supreme Court Chief Justice’ position may become a reality.

  • Monty

    This is obviously fake. President Michele Bachmann? Do you really think they’d elect a woman?

  • http://www.daylightatheism.org Ebonmuse

    Meanwhile the mountainous regions of the Republic of Utah are being brought down boulder by boulder as the Western Civil War proceeds. WCW was brought about by Utah’s secession from the Union, including parts of southern Idaho and northern Arizona, over government refusal to accept the Book of Mormon as part of state-sponsored Christianity. The WCW has been primarily waged by the militia force known as The Bastard Sons of Mitt Romney, who are supported financially by the pro-secessionist party TOW (The Other Wives).

    Holy crow, Maynard! You’re getting the messages from this person too?!

    I believe you meant “overbearing atheist minority.”

    I did, Leum, but apparently President Bachmann didn’t.

    … and even if they were contacted, the journalists would have been breaking several laws against consorting with outlawed unamerican organizations, so they wouldn’t admit it.

    Quite so, Joffan. If you read between the lines of this dispatch, it also seems that some law was passed somewhere along the line forbidding media organizations from describing the activities of the right using any word stronger than “controversial”.

  • http://gazinglongintoanabyss.blogspot.com/ Michael

    This is what they call “salami tactics.” Specifically “death of a thousand cuts.”
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salami_tactics
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_a_thousand_cuts

  • Penguin_Factory

    -_-

    Okay….. I don’t know who wrote this and I’m not trying to ridicule them here or anything, but I’ve always found the “let’s make up a fictional scenario where our evil opponents enact their dastardly schemes” thing to be pointless and frankly embarrassing. It just makes the group/person behind it seem like they have a persecution complex.

    You can draw some tentative parallels to stuff going on today that would make the above scenario slightly more plausible than the right-wing “THE MUSLIMS ARE COMING TO TAKE OVER THE WOOOOOOORLD!!!” fantasy, but we’re still talking about something that is in all likelihood never going to happen.

    By all means watch out for potential danger looming on the horizon, but let’s keep our heads out of the clouds at the same time.

  • Jormungund

    I’ve read similar things from a Christian perspective.
    “What if atheists ruled America? Life would be terrible.” kind of scenarios exist.
    I would put them on the same level of plausibility and humorous exaggeration as this.

  • karen

    Jim Dobson and Focus on the Family put out a “Letter From Obama’s America” a few weeks before the 2008 election.

    http://www.wnd.com/files/Focusletter.pdf

    Purporting to be a dispatch from 2012, it relates all sorts of nonsense that is now laughable: blanket approval of same-sex marriage,compulsory training in homosexuality from Kindergarten on, persecution of Christians and Christian groups and …

    FREE government money for abortions!

  • Demonhype

    The “out of control” liberal left? What universe does this insane creature live in? Because out here in reality-land, the left hasn’t had a voice in politics for some time. What we call “Democrats” is populated by what used to be center=>right wingers, while what we call “Republican” has long since been taken over by what used to be the batshit insane contingent of the right-wing. There are no liberal-left voices left in the mix and haven’t been for a long time. The Overton Window has been pulled too far to the right at this point.

    Only in Bachmann world could “politically invisible and without influence” mean “out of control influence that must be stopped”. In reality, though, the only thing out of control that needs to be stopped is the Religious Right Wing Republicans and other Bachmann-type evil.

  • Demonhype

    BTW, I realize this isn’t really “true”, but these nuts have been whining about the “out of control liberal left” in real life too, and I still can’t figure out where they’re getting their bullshit from when the liberal left has actually been squeezed right out of the conversation a long time ago. The right-wing owns the country and the entire conversation, single-handedly! It’s like when they whine about how atheists are persecuting them somehow by being openly and unapologetic-ally atheistic, even as they lament that they are not allowed to go all fatwa on our asses. You’re an overprivileged supermajority! Stop whining about how the disagreement of an underprivileged minority is somehow infringing on your rights!

  • Sciurus

    I sensed the reality of fanaticism several decades ago like a storm looming on the distant horizon. It is here, unfortunately, to stay, I am afraid. Who let this happen, and does anyone care now? Seneca said something to the effect that “religion is considered useful by the rulers, as false by the wise, and as true by the people.” Right on target, was he!


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