The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.X.3

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Thank You for Riding Taggart Transcontinental.

Dagny: Well we somehow weren’t able to defeat you and now we’re stuck.
Cobra Commander: Well you’re stuck. I’ve still got a fully functioning snake train I can get away on. Actually with a whole slew of new recruits.
Dagny: Wait, is that where all our workers fled off to?
Cobra Commander: Of course! They were chomping at the bit to join up with Cobra. Apparently I’m a far more likable boss than they’ve ever had at Taggart Transcontinental. And they said that after I already shot a few of the more whiny looking ones. What do you think they would just… walk off into the wilderness in the middle of running a train? That would be completely ludicrous and unbelievable, even by the standards of this world.
Dagny: I can’t believe they’d just abandon us in our hour of need!
Cobra Commander: I kind of heard through the grapevine that you abandoned this very same company before once?
Dagny: Well yes but I went off to find myself for purely selfish reasons so it’s fine. They left to find themselves for purely selfish reasons so it’s atrocious.
Cobra Commander: Look now that time you didn’t even change your words.
Dagny: I don’t have time to think of proper self justification at the moment, I have to take action and fast.
Cobra Commander: Let me guess you have to give a speech.
Dagny: I have to give a speech!
Cobra Commander: Right, well for once I agree with you. Got a lot of people there lost and confused probably need someone to steer them in the right direction.
Dagny: Yes, I’ve got to hurry if I’m going to get in all the insults I have to.
Cobra Commander: Wait what… insults?
Dagny: Oh yes at all those people stuck on the train. They’re just the worst.
Cobra Commander: I’m probably going to regret asking this but morbid curiosity seems to be driving me. Why?
Dagny: Because they have the unmitigated gall to ask me questions in their distasteful voices which I completely hate.
Cobra Commander: You hate their voices?
Dagny: Oh yes, palpably so. In fact despite them asking perfectly reasonable questions of me the only person on the scene who likely has any knowledge of what is going on, and it being in fact my job to answer their questions and work to fix their problems, I just… oh I absolutely hate their voices so much I’m going to devote actual time to identifying their disgusting tone of voice whenever I’m forced to listen to them.
Cobra Commander: Well I guess we all can’t have as poetic a voice as I do…
Dagny: I suppose I could give a proper and longer speech since we won’t have to worry about bandits attacking us, unfortunately.
Cobra Commander: Okay first of all. Though it’s a bit of an insulting title for my grandiose plans I am basically a bandit and have attacked you, but second why wouldn’t they and why is that unfortunate?
Dagny: Well, they won’t attack our completely defenseless train because… bandits, despite being apparently so well known that they are openly acting in large scale gangs, aren’t going after some of the easiest possible pickings for supplies that they could be after.
Cobra Commander: Okay that is just complete nonsense but considering the way this world seems to work I’m just going to skip past that and reiterate, why is that unfortunate?
Dagny: Well in an incredibly charitable reading of my mood you could assume it means I would think we would be getting some contact with people who might rob us but at least save us. But considering I care nothing for the passengers and value property more than life it’s more likely I just wish all these people would be murdered.
Cobra Commander: They’re your customers!
Dagny: There you go with that talk again… I’m really not sure what you’re on about. They’re all poorly voiced whiny people who are getting in the way of my epic hero journey of self discovery. So if you’ll excuse me I have to go openly threaten and mock them, while still somehow internally thinking even more disgusting thoughts about them. I’m just a bit too busy to deal with you at the moment.
Cobra Commander: Okay now I think I’m really starting to understand how you guys lost control of this world.