The Cobra Commander Dialogues: III.I.1

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Welcome to Atlantis.

John Galt: Hey, what are you doing here?
Cobra Commander: Well at the moment I’m watching you leer creepily over an injured woman.
John Galt: I’m just waiting on her to wake up.
Cobra Commander: Wait how did she get out of the plane? The plane that… didn’t crash what the heck?
John Galt: Oh it just sort of settled down despite having an unconscious pilot. And don’t worry she was flung.
Cobra Commander: Well if the plane didn’t crash how was she flung? And this isn’t like a car wreck if you get flung out of a plane I’m not sure you’ll just suffer a wang on the head.
John Galt: Well she landed in a very soft meadow!
Cobra Commander: Okay one that doesn’t explain how she was ‘flung’ and two why aren’t you getting medical help for her yet?
John Galt: Well I have to wait for her to wake up so it’s all a bit more dramatic right? I mean she’ll see my handsome metal face and be all swoony and I’ll know her name because she’s secretly so super and special that the most handsome metal faced man in the world has been keeping tabs on her all along.
Cobra Commander: Look pal, if there’s one handsome metal face around here it’s mine. Not that I’d want Dagny in the first place.
John Galt: And why not? She’s objectively the most perfect woman ever. Which of course means both that all heroes are madly in love with her and that all actions she takes are ultimately meaningless to the narrative as I, the most heroic of the heroic men, am the sole driver of all action and plot resolution.
Cobra Commander: Well I guess it’s lucky I’m a villain then. But I mean come on you’re still going on about that hero thing?
John Galt: Well of course. I’m the most heroic of all possible heroes. Did I explain how handsome I was? I can go on quite at length about it. I look like I’m super full of myself and look like I’m constantly violently enraged except that I’m so perfect I’m never actually angry I just constantly have the feel of pure hatred on me, which is apparently attractive.
Cobra Commander: How is any of that attractive!?
John Galt: Well it’s what Dagny would find attractive, and as she is the perfect woman whoever she, or by extension say any woman who would write a story about our lives in which Dagny is a painfully obvious author surrogate for example, finds attractive must be the most attractive objectively.
Cobra Commander: I don’t think you’re using the word objectively correct.
John Galt: Oh no I’m pretty sure I’ll go ahead and just define that word to mean whatever I like and then it will be correct, yes.
Cobra Commander: Honestly I don’t care enough to argue the point, since I’m pretty sure you would just redefine all my words to make me sound like I was arguing something else anyways…
John Galt: I would, yes.
Cobra Commander: So we’ll just move back to the hero villain thing. I mean I know I bring this up an awful lot…
John Galt: You do, I’ve seen it.
Cobra Commander: Have you been spying on me?
John Galt: Probably? I think it’s implied I know everything happening with everyone. Obviously I’ve had the time to keep tabs on the entire world while setting up this secret location and destroying the world and doing oh god like a whole bunch of other stuff behind the scenes always perfectly and without ever a wasted action.
Cobra Commander: Obviously.
John Galt: Objectively even.
Cobra Commander: Ugh. ANYWAYS I figured if anyone wasn’t buying into this delusion it was the person who is supposed to be the smartest one here.
John Galt: No we’re definitely heroes. I mean we have a secret base.
Cobra Commander: Kept invisible to the world by holograms!
John Galt: Yes, can’t have the world finding out about us.
Cobra Commander: The only kinds of people who make hidden bases are villains like me! It’s… it’s definitely a villain thing! Also how did you guys even invent hologram shielding technology!?
John Galt: Objectively speaking, when you’re as intelligent as I am, anything is possible.
Cobra Commander: So you could’ve fixed all the problems and saved the world.
John Galt: I am doing that. By hiding in a hidden hole in the mountains while I wait for everyone else to starve to death in the ruins of the world left behind.
Cobra Commander: Like a hero.
John Galt: Objectively speaking.