How to End Illegal Immigration

School officials in Alabama are reporting a sudden disappearance of Hispanic students. The Associated Press reports that some parents said they planned to leave the state “to avoid trouble with the law, which requires schools to check students’ immigration status.”

Like that old joke about 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean, this is a good start. But it’s only that. The last time we Americans relied on the government to solve our problems, we got the Interstate Highway System. To hasten the process, we must take matters into our own capable hands.

Sociologists use the term “benign peer pressure” to describe exertions of leverage that fall beneath the threshold of legislation, without descending to that of the mail bomb. There’s no end of ways ordinary citizens like you or I can back up our state bureaucracies in sending the message that gate-crashers aren’t welcome at this quinceañera:

1. Find out who built all those Spanish-colonial buildings; call and ask, “Excuse me, but isn’t there a perfectly good English-colonial style?”

2. Make the same point with whoever owns those supermarkets that stock Spanish rice; breed a minmast — a miniature English mastiff — to replace the chihuahua.

3. Lobby municipal governments to change suspicious place-names. Casa Grande can become “Big House”; Sierra Vista, “Ridgeview.” Both names promise suburban tranquility, fresh-cut lawns and spreading oak trees. “Mesa” translates to “Table” — the very essence of domesticity. And imagine what will happen if they rename the Agua Fria River the “Cold Water River” — deaths from hypothermia should dwindle to zero within five years, tops.

4. When Cinco de Mayo rolls around, spend the day singing French Foreign Legion marching songs and watching Beau Geste remakes, including that one with Michael York and Marty Feldman.

5. Learn the translation of “Viva Mexico, hijos de la chingada!”; drop it into casual conversations. If they can use it, so can you — just like the N-word.

6. Use the international language of music: Whenever you see a Latino child under the age of ten, sing “Anchors Aweigh.”

7. Spread scurrilous rumors about Dora the Explorer. If necessary, doctor up some incriminating frames.

8. Billboard Campaign: “GROWING A MUSTACHE MAKES A MAN LOOK LIKE A COP OR A GAY GUY FROM, LIKE, TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO.”

9. Put clocks everywhere.

10. Remember: Every day is Anglo-American Day. Whatever you’re wearing is an Anglo-American folk costume and whatever you’re doing is an Anglo-American folk custom. And if you’re not, literally, Anglo-American, have the common freaking decency to pretend. If your grandparents hadn’t wanted you to be one, they wouldn’t have come here. So go on with your bad selves, Nigel and Pippa.

  • Melody

    A Modest Proposal? Unfortunately I’ve heard a lot of these sentiments expressed by neighbors and coworkers (there are several meat packing plants in our area, staffed mostly by immigrants); and they weren’t being ironic. Not sure some of them would even know what irony is, but by gosh, they’re “proud to be an American!”
    Re: #5; I know a little Spanish, and you don’t hear the Latinos throwing similar phrases into conversation nearly as often as Anglos use the “F-bomb”.

  • Melody

    A Modest Proposal? Unfortunately I’ve heard a lot of these sentiments expressed by neighbors and coworkers (there are several meat packing plants in our area, staffed mostly by immigrants); and they weren’t being ironic. Not sure some of them would even know what irony is, but by gosh, they’re “proud to be an American!”
    Re: #5; I know a little Spanish, and you don’t hear the Latinos throwing similar phrases into conversation nearly as often as Anglos use the “F-bomb”.

  • Wilsonia

    Oh don’t worry. The weather and benefits are better in California anyway. They’lll be fine.

  • Wilsonia

    Oh don’t worry. The weather and benefits are better in California anyway. They’lll be fine.

  • Bones3k

    As a Canadian, I truly envy you Americans and your immigration concerns. Up here the big concern is simply getting enough people to want to come up to work here; our parliament’s budget watchdog just warned about our rapidly aging workforce and its affects on our economy. 2nd & 3rd generation Canadians appear to have forgotten about making babies.

    So, for any immigrants in the USA who are tired of all this illegal nimbus pimbus nonsense, please make the trip across the 49th and make yourself at home!

  • Bones3k

    As a Canadian, I truly envy you Americans and your immigration concerns. Up here the big concern is simply getting enough people to want to come up to work here; our parliament’s budget watchdog just warned about our rapidly aging workforce and its affects on our economy. 2nd & 3rd generation Canadians appear to have forgotten about making babies.

    So, for any immigrants in the USA who are tired of all this illegal nimbus pimbus nonsense, please make the trip across the 49th and make yourself at home!

  • Anonymous

    Satire! Ar-ar!

  • MeanLizzie

    Satire! Ar-ar!


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