The End of Men, Me, My Buddy Changeez: Part II

September 21, 2012 By 8 Comments

Initially, I’d serialized this essay in two parts, the first running about 1,100 words; the second, about 1,900. For neatness’ sake, I’ve put them together here Feel free to leave a comment on either page.

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  • http://www.ayearinthelifeofatoastmaster.com Paula Howley

    I went to see “The Taming of the Shrew” yesterday with a bunch of homeschoolers and their moms and dads. The moment where Kate held out her hand for Pertruchio to step on was long and poignant. When he took her hand and kissed it I burst into tears as the deep and beautiful truth was revealed. I thought it was magnificent.
    The other moms, not so much. The word “obedience” came up too many times for them to enjoy the play, methinks. I would have felt the same way 10 years ago.
    But it’s not the end of men everywhere Max.

  • DWiss

    You completely lost me at “dick”. I try to tell my kids that when they use vulgar language they sound uneducated, as though their vocabularies are too limited to supply a better word.

    Anymore, people use these words all the time, in any kind of company. I once was at a business lunch eating outside near the street. There was a table of four twenty-somethings, swearing like they were drunk. My dirty looks finallly got their attention, but they didn’t stop. Awful.

    So, maybe next time.

    [If I lost you at "dick," I never really had you. You say, "Another time"; I say, "Don't kill yourself."

    Okay, maybe that sounded dismissive. I'll expand a little. I won't pretend I've got this blog's future mapped out perfectly in my head, but I can predict, with as much confidence as sadness, that I am going to write quite a few things that are going to rub you the wrong way. From time to time, everyone -- certainly including me -- will read things they know will upset or offend them purely for the pleasure of saying, "Well, I never!" But only a few people make a habit of it. From your posts, I wouldn't figure you for a member of that minority, and I mean that as a compliment.

    I'm not going to cater to your tastes, but I don't want this blog to become source of discomfort to you. If you find my language that alienating, I urge you to give your patronage to someone who has done more to earn it.

    You know what? I have even more to say on the subject. Much as I dislike hearing people toot their own horns, I'm going to have to toot mine a little. In all the ways I consider most significant, I try to be a very gentlemanly writer. I may be arch or irreverent, but I am almost never cruel or satirical. I don't take cheap shots, and struggle, always, to think past my knee-jerk reactions. Even if I'm citing an author whose position I find absolutely repulsive, I do my best to represent that position fairly and accurately, instead of reducing it to the absurd. I don't kick people when they're down. In short, you'll have to work very hard to catch me writing from a presumed sense of superiority, moral or intellectual.

    Want a good recent example? Consider the piece I wrote about wanting to deck the parish busybody. Many commenters openly, and rather proudly, identified with the person who had gotten my goat. To a point, they may simply have been projecting, or sympathizing with the ideological orientation he claimed for himself, but I also read their reactions as evidence I'd portrayed him as someone worth identifying with. Trust me when I say I could have caricatured him brutally. But that would have been an offense against the truth; it would have cheapened the piece and made it satisfying on only the basest level. Instead, I worked to cut it down the middle -- to demonstrate that, though I found this person distasteful for reasons it shouldn't have taken a visitor from Mars to comprehend, he was, objectively, an okay guy, or at least no worse than I was. In that case, my refusal to stick my thumb on my side of the scale earned me a sound shellacking.

    Know why I bother, in this market where being -- sorry, but it's le mot juste -- a dick can be a smart career move? Because I know I live in a glass house. So much about me AND my writing presents easy targets for anyone who's looking. I know I have to rely on my readers and fellow writers for a little charity. In other words, I'm trying to follow the Golden Rule. ]

  • http://reluctantliberal.wordpress.com Reluctant Liberal

    I’ve been thinking for a while that “rape culture” was a concept that Catholics could benefit highly from, especially since “rape culture” is highly relevant to Catholic notions of human dignity, free will, and especially the oversexualization of women. Let’s review what happened here:

    1) You obsessed over a girl while actively hiding your interest in her.
    2) You then used her ignorance to put yourself in a position where you would be alone with her, and where, therefore, she is very vulnerable to any advance you might make.
    3) You physically pulled her outside in your eagerness, which demonstrated how much physical advantage you had over her while simultaneously treating her like an object to be moved for your purposes.
    4) You made HER HOME a very hostile and uncomfortable place by expressing feelings that she had no reason to expect from you, had done nothing to encourage, and could be seen as a betrayal of the trust she had given you by allowing you KEYS TO HER HOME.
    5) When she reacted negatively to your advances, which she had every right to do, you got upset at her. And you were drunk. And you had just demonstrated how you could pull her around. And you had keys to her home. If you hadn’t been you, this kind of situation could have led to a rape. It probably did leave Kirsten feeling unsafe, and it almost certainly left her feeling that she had been betrayed. That is rape culture.

    And I’m not saying you think what happened was okay. Your post contained a great deal of ambivalence about your past actions/outlook. And it is those actions, not the some total of who you were, and certainly not who you are now, that I am interested in condemning. I think these ideas are highly relevant to Catholicism and I want to talk about it in that context, and I hope I didn’t step on your toes (your blog’s toes?) in pursuing that goal.

  • RebeccaK

    Jeez, tough comment crowd today. I very much enjoy your personal writings. Your gift for writing shines best in this genre, and I think it’s fascinating to revisit, retell, and reflect upon life experiences.

    “If I lost you at “dick,” I never really had you.” *snort* Love it. FWIW, as someone who does not get offended by crude language, I do find myself raising an interested eyebrow at the times and places in your posts that you choose to deploy language. For some reason it’s always a bit of a surprise. I’m assuming that’s your intent. Or, maybe I’m wrong and should henceforth assume your vocabulary is too limited to supply a better word.

    The pedestals line struck a chord with me. Hm. It is hard to sort out feelings for someone when you are certain there’s currently an interest differential, and it’s strange to know you’re on a pedestal. Flattering, but it also puts a lot of pressure on entertaining the idea of a relationship.

  • Kristen inDallas

    I’m way too afraid of heights to let a man put me up on a pedestal… a small cushion will suffice. :)

    [It just so happens I ordered one of those from the back of a comic book about 30 years ago. Makes the coolest noises.]

  • Ted Seeber

    Ah, darn, I was hoping part II was truly the rest of the story- how you overcame your Changeez-Iranian-inspired wanderlust to find a woman *BETTER* than those you were playing (and who were playing you) to settle down with.

    [Life is NEVER that simple. If any writer pretends it is, quit reading him, and read me instead.]

  • DWiss

    Wow, Max, that was quite a thorough and thoughtful response to my bad reaction to your use of an “objectionable” word. Thank you – I appreciate that you took a significant amount of time to make clear your thoughts on the subject that I (inadvertantly) opened.

    In response:

    1) I think that you are an exceptionally talented writer. I was genuinely distressed a while back when you considered the end of your blog. Glad you thought better of it.

    2) Without even coming close to killing myself, I’ll continue to read your blog, for the reason above in 1).

    3) One of the reasons I like reading your blog is that you often rub me the wrong way. Frankly, I’m tired of the Catholic blog echo chamber where the writer writes what the readers are thinking anyway, and everyone nods their heads in agreement or shakes their heads in common disgust and all feel a little holier that they’ve had their kum ba yah moment.

    4) My reaction to the language you used is probably more my problem than yours. Marc Barnes at Bad Catholic does this too, and he’s another really good writer. After I read a word that seems completely wrong, all I can think of as I continue to read is: “Why did he use that word? Wasn’t there a better one? I can’t believe he used that word.” I’m completely distracted. Imagine if Shakespeare devolved into a limerick in the middle of a sonnet – that’s the level of distraction it causes me. The reason is that to read a writer who can unspool sentence after paragraph of delightful prose is a pleasure indescribable. You can do that. To drop a clinker of a word into the flow is..jarring.

    5) So, I wasn’t offended in a prudish sense. I know that my comment communicated that, but I’m not a writer so I get to be unclear.

    6) I was one of the many who encouraged you in your blog’s new direction, and I’ll be along for the ride.

  • http://industrialblog.powerblogs.com IB Bill

    It’s a case study about the perils of beta orbiting. You had a lot going against you. Your friend was a natural alpha and you were going to suffer non-beneficial comparisons in her mind. You were suffering oneitis and gave her all your power. You were suffering from confidence issues and thinking way too much. And you were creeping up on her and trying to get into her orbit, which always ends badly. You were already in the friend zone way before you thought.

    I get the sense, though, that you know where you went wrong. You needed serious work on your inner game.

    My question is: If you had to do it again, what would you do differently?