Herman Cain: God’s Own Candidate

CNN did a story about Herman Cain’s religious views and it’s got some serious crazy in it. The best part is when he says that God called him to run for the Senate in 2004, a race in which he was beaten so soundly that he didn’t even get 27% of the votes in the Republican primary. But he didn’t want to run — God made him.

Three and a half years later, Cain ran for the U.S. Senate, saying the decision had been divinely inspired.

“Being on a God-inspired fast track of success and surviving the many things that could have gone wrong was no accident,” he writes.

He woke early one morning to study the Bible as he wrestled with whether to run for Senate.

The Bible fell on the floor, Cain writes, and opened to Matthew 18, where Jesus asks, “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?” – the same words he would quote from a different gospel at the Crystal Cathedral.

Later that week, Cain writes, he heard a sermon titled “The Calling” by Alexander at Antioch. After the service, Cain consulted with the pastor.

Cain said he felt God was calling him to run for Senate. According to Cain, the pastor responded: “How much louder does God have to tell you something?”

Apparently God wanted to see him finish a distant third. But that’s nothing compared to God prodding him to run for president:

The diagnosis tested the faith of Cain and his wife, Gloria. But he saw the hand of God at various points in his treatment.

After the initial diagnosis, Cain’s Atlanta doctor wanted him to get a second opinion from a specialist in Savannah, Georgia, some five hours away by car. Cain didn’t want go, but then he learned the specialist’s name: Dr. Lord. That was the first sign.

Later, Cain went to MD Anderson Cancer Center, a Houston hospital specializing in cancer treatment, after his business pal Boone Pickens called to get him in.

The nurse who gave Cain and his wife their orientation tour at the hospital was named Grace. Yet another sign, Cain writes.

And when it was time for surgery, the doctors explained they would be making a J-shaped incision. “Like J-E-S-U-S?” Cain asked the doctor. The candidate would go on to call the incision a “Jesus cut.”

“You see, the Lord gives you these road signs – that is, if you know how to recognize them,” Cain writes…

Herman Cain did not want to run for president. He did not want to be president. But God told him to.

In a campaign speech in early November, he told the Georgia Young Republicans he never considered running for president until he saw President Barack Obama’s “arrogant disregard for the people,” which he said weakened the county’s economy, military and standing in the world.

“That’s when I prayed and prayed and prayed. … More praying than I’ve ever had to do in my life.

“When I finally realized that this was God saying what I needed to do, I was like Moses. ‘You got the wrong man, Lord! Are you sure?’ Now, you’re not supposed to doubt God. But I’m going, ‘I think maybe you’re looking at somebody else.’”

I think God wants to make Herman Cain into a political punchline. Maybe he should stop listening to the voices in his head.


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  • Reginald Selkirk

    The Bible fell on the floor, Cain writes, and opened to Matthew 18…

    It’s a pity it didn’t fall open to Matt 6:5-6.

  • “You see, the Lord gives you these road signs – that is, if you know how to recognize them,” Cain writes…

    Too bad for him he didn’t recognize the signs that said he should read up on foreign policy…

  • Charlie didn’t want to be a mass murderer with dreams of starting a race war. But early one morning, while coming down from an acid trip and copulating with his sixth hairy hippy chick in the last 24 hours, he heard voices in his head telling him to cut a swastika into his forehead with a machete …

  • anandine

    I guess getting his ass whipped in the election was god’s punishment for Cain being a douche bag.

  • Sean Boyd

    “You see, the Lord gives you these road signs – that is, if you know how to recognize them,” Cain writes…

    I thought the whole point of road signs was that they were easily recognized, without obscure meanings. Silly me.

  • d cwilson

    In fairness to Charlie, he was getting a clear message from gawd:

    When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide

    Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride

    Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.

    Do, don’t you want me to love you

    I’m coming down fast but I’m miles above you

    Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer

    You may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer.

    Helter skelter, helter skelter

    Helter skelter

    “How much louder does God have to tell you something?”

  • doktorzoom

    So if he REALLY trusted God, why did he allow his cancer to be treated with medicines and surgical techniques that work equally well on atheists, Muslims, and Zoroastrians? I bet that a lot of those sciency things were even developed by people who believe in EVILUTION.

    If Herman Cain truly believed, he would have relied on prayer alone.

    (Yes, yes, I know, God sent two boats and a helicopter…)

  • Aquaria

    And when it was time for surgery, the doctors explained they would be making a J-shaped incision. “Like J-E-S-U-S?” Cain asked the doctor. The candidate would go on to call the incision a “Jesus cut.”

    Sheesh, I got a backwards question mark when I had my last surgery. It seemed to be telling me that I needed a parrot tattoo. Which I haven’t gotten yet, but one of these days…

  • doktorzoom

    “How much louder does God have to tell you something?”

    I’ve got blisters on me fingers!

  • Reginald Selkirk

    The best part is when he says that God called him to run for the Senate in 2004, a race in which he was beaten so soundly that he didn’t even get 27% of the votes in the Republican primary. But he didn’t want to run — God made him.

    It all makes sense when you realise that God is one sadistic fuck.

  • This makes me think that if there is a god, he has a sense of humor. What else explains Palin, Bachmann, Perry and Cain?

  • Mr Ed

    Cain got Cancer so he had to go to a Center in his Car to get a seCond opinion. Which showed him that the one true god must be Cthulhu.

  • doktorzoom

    Which showed him that the one true god must be Cthulhu.

    But if that were the case, wouldn’t he have gotten a C-Section, instead?

  • greg1466

    Isn’t it odd how these wingnuts always need to “pray and pray and pray”? If it were truly God answering, and he’s telling them what he (God) wants and not just finally getting convinced, wouldn’t he answer right away? Or even deliver the orders without being asked first? It’s almost as if they have to keep asking the question until they get the answer they want…

  • John Hinkle

    Herman is mistaking his ego for god.

  • dcsohl

    Ok, I would take that verse from Matthew 18 as a sure sign NOT to run. DON’T seek power that requires you to become a slimy immoral politician. No wonder Cain lost so soundly. God was AGAINST him, not for him!

  • Didaktylos

    I think God wants to make Herman Cain into a political punchlinebag.

    FTFY

  • Wasn’t Jesus’ actual name “Yeshua,” or something like that?

    For Cain’s next surgery, he should get a Y-incision.

  • chrislrob

    Such bullshit.

    This *is* Matthew 16:26 we’re talking about, right–not 18?:

    “What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”

    How can that verse communicate to ANYONE that they should run for the U.S. Senate and become one of the 100 most powerful people in the world?

    It is saying that only to an egotistical ass or to someone who pulled their inspiration out of their ass. He was looking for some sign and he was going to find one no matter what.

    And on that same page, he should have found Matthew 16:4, in which Jesus admonishes people for, wait for it–LOOKING FOR SIGNS!:

    “‘A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.’ Jesus then left them and went away.”

    The ex-Fundamentalist in me really despises the misuse of biblical text even though I don’t care anything about biblical text!

    Getting your ass kicked in that senate race was the sign you should have heeded!

  • Sastra

    Cain didn’t want go, but then he learned the specialist’s name: Dr. Lord. That was the first sign.

    Later, Cain went to MD Anderson Cancer Center, a Houston hospital specializing in cancer treatment, after his business pal Boone Pickens called to get him in.

    “Boone Pickens?” That was the second sign — the one that’s of the devil and is saying “Geeeeet Ouuuuuut …”

    Sorry, but for someone who purports to find great significance in names Cain doesn’t seem to apply his rules to his business pals. Or to himself, for that matter.

  • sailor1031

    It’s just that YWHY with his quirky sense of humour. Cain needs to read up on the book of Job.

  • rbh3

    Cain’s reliance on names to give him signs reminds me of R. Kelly Hamilton, John Freshwater’s lawyer, who in a radio interview with faux-historian David Barton, said

    The symbolism is so great in this particular case. Recognize that “fresh water,” of course, represents baptism, and that’s exactly .. that’s John’s last name. There is a .. the opposing attorney in this particular case, his last name is Millstone. All you need to do is go to the book of Luke, and when you take a look at the book of Luke it will say, you know, “It would be better for someone to put a mill stone around their neck than to keep these little ones from me.” Then, of course, the judge’s last name in this particular case, his last name is Shepherd. So you start putting some of the symbolism together just on the names, you start to see some of the unique intervention that God has had in this particular matter.

    That didn’t work out so well for Freshwater.

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