An Amusing Wingnut Fundraising Email

In the age of internet spam, sometimes you get funny things in your inbox. Some wingnut group I’d never heard of called Public Advocate somehow decided that PZ Myers has an email address and they keep sending him — meaning me, since anything sent to an email address that doesn’t exist at that domain comes to me — hilarious fundraising emails. I’ll post the latest one below.

Dear PZ,

I’ve never had such a difficult decision…

I desperately need your advice.

You see, the homosexual onslaught is relentless.

They’ve been attacking on every front for months and your Public Advocate is worn to the bone.

PZ, I’m worn to the bone.

During the holidays, I could barely take time away to spend with my family.  Their attacks were so relentless.

And because I just barely reached my end-of-year fundraising goals, the radical Homosexual Lobby smells blood in the water.

Over the past month, they’ve launched a tidal wave attack to ram through their entire agenda — while I can barely fight back…

And now…

Now I’m forced to make a decision.

You see, the Homosexual Lobby is pushing three main planks in their campaign to reshape America:

1) The Homosexual Classrooms Act, requiring every school — even private and religious schools — to teach appalling homosexual acts.

This legislation would spin impressionable students in a whirlwind of sexual confusion and misinformation, even peer pressure to “experiment” with the homosexual “lifestyle;”

2) The Offense to Marriage Act, repealing the Defense of Marriage Act which has stood for over a decade against the Homosexual Lobby.

If passed, wedding gown-clad men smooching before some left-wing clergyman or state official is just the beginning.

You’ll see men hand-in-hand skipping down to adoption centers to “pick out” a little boy for themselves.

And religious adoption agencies? SHUT DOWN.

3) The Gay Bill of Special Rights, granting special job rights to homosexuals. Every homosexual fired or not hired becomes a potential federal civil rights lawsuit.

Radical homosexuals will terrorize day cares, hospitals and churches.

Traditional moral values will be shattered by federal decree.

My friend, all of these bills are grave threats to morality and the Family… I just don’t know which to fight.

That’s why your advice is so critical.

Which do you consider the biggest threat?

Please click here and complete the Membership Poll with your advice as soon as possible.

You see, without your advice, I don’t feel comfortable pulling resources from one fight to another.

But if enough members like you tell me that one or two of these bills represent the greatest threat to you personally, I can move forward knowing I’m doing the right thing.

Of course, fighting just one will cost precious resources.

In fact, if I’m to effectively defeat even one of these bills, I’m going to need an immediate influx of funds.

That’s why along with your advice, I desperately need you to contribute financially so that your Public Advocate is strong enough to defeat the Homosexual Lobby.

If the Homosexual Lobby succeeds in reshaping America in their image, the values you and I hold dear will be lost forever.

The ultimate goal of every radical Homosexual Activist is to create a new America where sexual promiscuity is the new norm, and traditional values are long forgotten.

You and I can’t let them succeed.

I’ve prepared a massive grassroots lobbying campaign to defeat these bills.

The plans are all there ready to go…

I just need you to click here and tell me which one!

But that still leaves all the costs…

Defeating just one of these bills will take tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I’ve currently budgeted around $35,000 for each fight.

But that’s not nearly enough…

Are you a business owner who refuses to submit to the threat of lawsuits by defeating the Gay Bill of Special Rights?

Or are you a parent or grandparent who desperately wants to protect the innocence of the next generation by defeating the Homosexual Classrooms Act?

Or are you passionate about preserving the sanctity of REAL marriage by making sure the Offense of Marriage Act NEVER repeals the Defense of Marriage Act?

Will you help me raise what Public Advocate needs to win?

In order to make sure the Homosexual Classrooms Act NEVER becomes law, I’ve calculated that I need you and a majority of other pro-family Americans to contribute $50 right away.

But there’s also the Gay Bill of Special Rights and the Offense of Marriage Act… We have to fight those too!

If you’re like me, nothing short of fighting AND DEFEATING every single one of these bills will ever be enough!

But for you and I to win I need you to give more than ever.

I’ve calculated that winning every one of these battles will require you and other supporters to give $150, or even $200 each.

Can I count on you to give that today?

Please chip in your contribution, along with your Membership Poll with your advice on which battle is most important to you.

Whether your most generous contribution is $50, $100, or $150; give what you can to keep the Family strong.

Thank you, in advance.

Yours for the family,

Eugene Delgaudio

President, Public Advocate of the United States

P.S. I desperately need your advice.

You see, the Homosexual Lobby is pushing three main planks: the Gay Bill of Special Rights, the Offense of Marriage Act, and the Homosexual Classrooms Act.

Please complete your Membership Poll advising which of these bills you believe is the greatest threat; along with your contribution of $50 to ensure we can defeat it.

Or if you’re like me and you want to win every one of these fights, please send $150, or even $200 along with your advice right away!

I have an old friend who used to do direct mail fundraising for conservative causes in the 90s and later, after he’d gotten out of the business, he described to me some of the tricks of the trade, so to speak. His favorite was the ones that began, “It’s 3 AM. My family is all in bed but I can’t fall asleep because the threat of (fill in the blank) is keeping me awake…” For religious pitches, that last part would read “…because God has called me to contact you to combat (fill in the blank).”

There are a number of standard fundraising tactics at work here. First, scare the hell out of them — something horrible is happening or going to happen and you’re the only possible savior that can rescue them from it. Second, make them feel like they’re a part of the campaign, thus the phony “I need you to help me decide” theme. And for an audience of wingnuts, of course, you need lots of randomly capitalized words, some bolded and underlined to show them Just How Serious You Are.

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