Obama Causes Heart Failure

The coroner’s report on Andrew Breitbart found that he died of heart failure. I wonder how Obama managed to cause that. And obviously, the coroner is in on the coverup. I demand to see his birth certificate immediately. I bet the Illuminati are behind the whole thing.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • LightningRose

    The reich-wing-nuts should take this as a warning.

    Obama knows how to make their deaths look like a heart attack.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    He can cause heart failure?

    Most of the right-wing should be safe then.

  • d cwilson

    Who know Breitbart had a heart to fail?

  • Brownian

    The reich-wing-nuts should take this as a warning.

    Obama knows how to make their deaths look like a heart attack.

    I’m sure that, like all conspiracy theorists, they know that the conspirators have the power to silence everybody but people with websites and loudmouths in bars.

    So, they’re safe while being in grave danger.

  • d cwilson

    Who know Breitbart had a heart to fail?

    GRRR.

    Who knew Breitbart had a heart to fail?

    That alone is proof of a coverup. If the coroner said the Tin Woodsmen died of heart failure, you’d be suspicious, right?

  • http://inmyunbelief.wordpress.com TCC

    I wonder how Obama managed to cause that.

    He’s obviously very powerful. I mean, look at what he did to Dick Cheney!

  • Michael Heath

    Nah, this wasn’t Obama’s doing. God killed Breitbart for not being conservative enough; God gave Andrew this wonderful opportunity to spread His Word and Breitbart was too much of a sissy boy to git ‘er done.

  • unbound

    Obama no longer needs the weirding module…

  • http://rockstarramblings.blogspot.com/ Bronze Dog

    I wonder how Obama managed to cause that.

    Deathnote

    How to use it

    1. The human whose name is written in this notebook will die.

    2. The writer must have the victim’s face in his mind, therefore humans sharing the same name will not die.

    3. The cause of death must be written within 40 seconds of writing the name, otherwise the victim will simply die of a heart attack.

  • christophburschka

    Where’s the long-form death certificate?

  • http://rockstarramblings.blogspot.com/ Bronze Dog

    Where’s the long-form death certificate?

    Okay, you win my internets for today.

  • http://anexerciseinfutility.blogspot.com tommykey

    I say Breitbart was killed by Anthony Weiner’s vengeful penis.

  • http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

    There’s no way Breitbart could have had heart problems. He spent each day being extremely angry, yelling at people, and wallowing in bottomless resentment. Isn’t that kind of exercise supposed to be good for your heart?

  • slc1

    I bet the Illuminati are behind the whole thing.

    Nah, it was the Bilderbergers.

  • Gregory in Seattle

    Almost certainly, the Illuminati were behind this. But which faction? I’m inclined to say either the Adepts of Hermes: Shangri-La really isn’t into attacks to kill, and the Society of Assasins and Servants of Cthlulhu would have been much less subtle. It is known that Breitbart was a puppet of The Network.

    (Pulls out a blank card and begins to design a heart-attack ray….)

  • Gregory in Seattle

    Oops, I meant to say either Adepts of Hermes or the Bavarian Illuminati.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kitwalker1990 chriswalker

    No, no, the death was ruled heart failure. Or it was “apparent heart failure”. Have you learned nothing from the Clinton Death List?

  • jba55

    “Obama Causes Heart Failure”

    I’m not sure I can believe that. I mean sure, he’s a good looking guy, but he’s not…

    wait for it…

    drop dead gorgeous! Eh? Eh?

    /hides from vengeful mob

  • http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    unbound “Obama no longer needs the weirding module…”

    Now you’re just being ridiculous. That’s fiction. Conspiracies are real life!

  • jnorris

    Not just the Illuminati but the Trilateral Commission and the Club of Rome!

  • cottonnero

    It was Wile E. Coyote-style heart failure. Breitbart had no heart, but didn’t die from heart failure until he realized it. Much like gravity only kicked in for the Coyote when he noticed that he was no longer standing on the cliff edge.

  • slc1

    Re jnorris @ #20

    Let’s not forget the Masons and the Council on Foreign Relations.

  • Pingback: Andrew Breitbart’s autopsy intentionaly falsified to ignore red skin for poison, not blue to indicate heart attack, some say. | TrenchPress()

  • dan4

    @23: Oh, wonderful. Let the kooks come out. (From the link): “Why then was Breitbart’s skin bright red?” Because Andy was always angry and yelling at people, perhaps?

  • llewelly

    Andrew Breitbart found that he died of heart failure. I wonder how Obama managed to cause that.

    HAARP: Heart Attack Anti-Republican Program

  • dingojack

    Obama Causes Heart Failure“.

    The Surgeon General reports cutting back to one serving of Obama a week reduces the chance of congestive heart failure by over 25%.

    :) Dingo

  • baal

    Obama no longer needs the weirding module

    If he’s done with it, I’d like a turn.

    [tinfoil hat]

    The Rosicrucians direct the Illuminati. Never forget that.

    [/tinfoil hat]

  • caseloweraz

    “I wonder how Obama managed to cause that.”

    It must be one of those Kenyan tribal secrets — like pointing the bone.

  • Uncle Glenny

    “Why then was Breitbart’s skin bright red?”

    As was said, carbon monoxide does this (it binds to the hemoglobin instead of oxygen). Smoking is enough to fool hospital colorimeter-style oxygen saturation meters.

    Was Breitbart a smoker?


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