What Secularists Never Do

This is an old article at The Onion, but I don’t recall seeing it at the time. It’s a parody, of course, but it points out something interesting, something secularists never seem to do.

DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.

“I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits,” said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed “Scopes Monkey Trial” and is widely considered one of Darwinism’s holiest sites. “Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested.”

Added Freiberg, “Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!”

Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking—which appears to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large beard—this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley’s paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin’s works, and otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.

Funny stuff.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • dingojack

    Hmmm, sounds like water leaking through copper wiring or piping to me…

    (Or it that too rational and not ‘Evolutionist’ enough as an exlaination)?
    :) Dingo

    —–

    It’s also notable that rationistists don’t surround churches and yell hate at the parionishers as they go in or out, or harrass greiving parents at funerals, or send death threats to school children who stand up for thier right to believe whatever they want to (no matter dumb it might seem to us), or …

  • Childermass

    A relative, a child so please no making fun, posted a version of this on Facebook. Using Google Image Search quickly found the Snopes article.

    I hope the showing of the original will be a nice teaching moment.

  • http://peicurmudgeon.wordpress.com/ peicurmudgeon

    Be careful, if you prove it is only a leaking pipe, you may go to prison.

  • Forbidden Snowflake
  • dingojack

    Forbidden Snowflake did you click on the video at the top right after the Mitchell and Webb sketch?
    :D Dingo

  • vmanis1

    Well, I saw the face of Antoine Lavoisier in my oatmeal this morning, and then I had a pancake with the spitting image of Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky.

  • Crip Dyke, MQ, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    @vmanist –

    Which I hope engendered a round of devout plagiarism.

  • Scientismist

    @Crip Dyke –

    Only be sure to always call it please, Research.


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