A Cloud of Witnesses

This came up in conversation the other day and I thought I’d link to it again. It’s a document put out by Rev. Moon’s Unification Church called A Cloud of Witnesses and it’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever read. It was actually published in full page ads in newspapers all over the world in 2002 and it purports to be a report about a meeting that took place in the “spirit world” in December, 2001.

At this alleged meeting, the founders and leading figures of all the major religions joined famous communist leaders like Karl Mark and Lenin in declaring Rev. Moon to be the “Savior, Messiah, Second Coming and True Parent of all humanity.” They apparently stood up, one by one, and delivered a testimony about Moon and declare their loyalty to him in some terribly amusing ways. Here’s Jesus, for example:

Reverend Sun Myung Moon! Thou art the Second Coming who inaugurated the Completed Testament Age! The 120 people, who have brought light to the history of Christianity, pledge to take part in all that the True Parents do, and resolve to strive toward the ideal, the original garden where there is no original sin, through the guidance, the words of the Completed Testament, and the Unification Principle, of the Savior and Messiah, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

Even better is the testimony of Karl Marx:

I, Marx, affirm God’s existence and that He is the Parent of all humankind. I denied God and shouted loudly with confidence to the extent that people believed me more than God. Now I’d like to reveal my experience with God to the whole world. I felt that my theoretical paradigm was crumbling as I listened to the Godism lecture. At the same time my pride was damaged severely. When I listened to Godism, I thought it was a dream, but it was not. Then a beam of light came into my heart like a red-hot bullet.

I, Marx, have met God. I have found that He is the Parent of humankind. I have felt the greatness of God’s love. I clearly convey to you who God is. He is the Parent of humankind. Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who is on the Earth, brought this fact to light. The Divine Principle and Unification Thought express the original standards that open the way to salvation, so you must read them. I ask this of you seriously. I clearly say that I apologize for my past to God and True Parents and love them and am proud of them.

And it all ends with a letter from God himself:

Dear Beloved True Parents, I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. My beloved son. My beloved son. My beloved son, I, the God of all people, love True Parents! I love you greatly! I hold you dearly!

How could I help but feel happiness and gratitude for you, who are my son? If there were a word better than “love,” I would like to borrow that verb, but I can’t think of a better word. Although the True Parents reside in a deep place in my heart, I cannot adequately express my love for you in words.

As you, the True Parents, have now succeeded in everything and have raised everything to its true level, you are now the Savior, Messiah and King of Kings of all of humanity!!! Because on December 25, 2001, the Founders and representatives of Christianity and the other religions adopted written resolutions in which they without exception resolved to participate in realizing the peaceful unification of the cosmos, while attending the True Parents, it is right and proper that the True Parents are exalted in the position of True Parents of all humankind. I, the God of all people, desire this and want to see it happen.

Despite the people of the world not yet fully understanding the position of True Parents, because the position should be fulfilled internally, I, the God of all people, invite the True Parents to the position of King of Kings.

Because the True Parents have, in my place, endured countless difficult paths, I now want to bestow upon you all of the gratitude, inspiration, excitement and joy that I have been feeling. I want you to inherit all that is mine.

My beloved True Parents! I have wanted to express my heart to you for a long time, but I have not had such an opportunity. However, now this daughter of mine has looked into my heart. This has allowed this time to come to pass, and I would like to express to you my gratitude.

True Parents! My beloved True Parents! I want to hold you in my bosom and not let you go! It is a waste for me to walk the floor with my two legs. I want to hold you all night and talk to you!

I, the God of all people, have faith. I believe in the True Parents. I know and remember all of the difficulties, pain and suffering that you have had to endure. I have seen it all. It was all my responsibility, yet you endured and raised a victorious standard. How can I ever forget you? I am grateful.

I am so happy because of you. Truly, I thank you for your hard work.

My beloved True Parents, victory to you! Victory to the Saviors of humanity! Victory to the King of Kings, True Parents!

I, the God of all people, sincerely convey this to my beloved True Parents.

That’s some great unintentional comedy.

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