Gordo: Obama Controlled by 50 Demons

Wow. Just when you think disgraced and dishonest former Navy chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt has hit rock bottom, he grabs a shovel and starts to tunnel. If you give him money, he’ll send you a little booklet he wrote about how he used his “spiritual discernment” to determine that President Obama is controlled by 50 demons.

According to Klingenschmitt’s email alert about his offer, the book “has the power to awaken Church voters!” Among other things, the book examines:

–How to operate in the spiritual gift of discerning of spirits? (read Chapter 1 of the book.)

–Whether it is possible for a self-proclaimed Christian like President Barack H. Obama to be ruled by demons? (read page 29 of the book.)

–What the Bible says about how to see demons? (read p. 39).

–Whether President Obama is personally ruled by 50 demons?

All these answers are given specifically, just read Chapters 3 & 4, which apply my own PhD-level theological method to my friend Historian David Barton’s analysis of real-world events from 2009 to 2012.

Okay, “PhD-level theological method” may be the funniest phrase ever uttered. Hilarious. He spells it out specifically:

My new book explains how YOU can receive the gift/ability to see the spirits! Not only that, it reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.

Am I saying Obama is demon-possessed? No. (see page 12 of the book.)

Am I saying Obama has been ruled, at different times, but up to 50 different evil spirits, as historically proven by his words and deeds? Yes.

The phrase “fucking nuts” seems a bit too mild here.

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  • Larry

    Only 50?

  • Chiroptera

    Not only that, it reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.

    You know what this reminds me of? You remember those children puzzle books, and there’d be a picture with lots of swirls and textured patterns, and you’d have to find “10 elves” or something hidden within the patterns?

    I imagine Obama wearing something like a paisley shirt, and hidden within the designs are 50 demons. Can you find 50?

  • bcmystery

    I am occasionally ruled by the Demon of Cheetos.

  • eric

    Hmmm…50 demons, 4 years in office. Evidently demons work on approximately 1-month shifts. Its slightly shorter, so maybe they use a lunar calendar.

  • Anneliese

    See spirits? Yup. There’s a bottle of “spirits” (OK, several bottles) in my kitchen right now. And if I consume a little I might see other spirits. Maybe.

  • yoav

    my own PhD-level theological method

    Is it from the same “university” as Kent Hovind doctorate?

    to my friend Historian David Barton’s analysis of real-world events from 2009 to 2012.

    Citing David Barton, a clear sign of someone so far removed from reality he won’t be able to spot it with the Hubble telescope.

    Am I saying Obama has been ruled, at different times, but up to 50 different evil spirits, as historically proven by his words and deeds? Yes.

    As the antichrist isn’t Obama technically the crown prince of hell and therefore the lord of all demons?

  • http://www.electricminstrel.com Brett McCoy

    Only 50? Geez, last time checked I had something like 255 (I think my kernel limits it to that)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000263140906 Donovan

    I’m not nearly so gifted. I can only seem to find 47.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=153100784 michaelbrew

    Fifty demons? That’s five tens! And that’s terrible.

  • Michael Heath

    Ed reports:

    [Gordon K.] used his “spiritual discernment” to determine that President Obama is controlled by 50 demons.

    Ed concludes:

    The phrase “fucking nuts” seems a bit too mild here.

    Well I find myself in a very privileged position relative to President Obama coupled to my wondering if Ed’s conclusion extends to everybody who believes in possession or just those who conjure up a number.

    Privileged because when I’ve had a few debates in meat-world, dispassionately countering false assertions with facts, I’ve been told that Satan himself was controlling me. Now given he supposedly has no omnipresent powers, I was very privileged indeed to accept such an honor if I wasn’t in control of my own faculties. The last time this occurred was my arguing that for the country and humanity in general, we should have held our collective nose and voted for Sen. Kerry in 2004.

  • raven

    he’ll send you a little booklet he wrote about how he used his “spiritual discernment” to determine that President Obama is controlled by 50 demons.

    Klingenschmidtt is a fraud.

    I know this because of my world class spiritual discernment abilities.

    They are as great as all the Popes, priests, ministers, and Wiccans combined. OTOH, they are also equal to my cat’s.

    It’s zero of course.

  • F

    Were these 50 grapefruit demons, or 50 lime demons? This could be important!

  • raven

    Bunch of superstitious idiots.

    A Mormon once asked my friend if she was a witch. The evidence for that is that she has a black cat.

    No that doesn’t mean she is a witch and commutes to work on a broomstick and turns people into frogs (I wish!!!). It means she lives with a black cat.

  • dingojack

    50 demons?!?

    I think Klingshitt hasn’t considered that important documentary ‘The Manchurian Candidate‘.

    What? It’s only fiction?

    Don’t tell Klingshitt or he might suffer an unpredictable ‘delusional collapse’.

    Dingo

  • billydee

    I wonder why Gordo didn’t do the christian thing and exorcise those demons. Either his spells don’t work on radical communist nazi socialist muslins or he’s talking bullshit.

    Gordo recenty received a PhD in theology from Regent University. I wonder who he had to blow to get that.

  • Tâlib Alttaawiil (طالب التاويل)

    “The phrase “fucking nuts” seems a bit too mild here.”

    howbout ‘ph.d.-level nuts’?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1017276335 Strewth

    The idea that I might one day end up that out of touch with reality is truly frightening. One of the reasons I avoid psychotropics other than caffeine and alcohol.

  • sinned34

    A Mormon once asked my friend if she was a witch. The evidence for that is that she has a black cat.

    If it had been a white cat, they would have thought your friend was a fellow Mormon.

  • http://peopleofpublictransport.wordpress.com Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    One for every State of the Union!

    INSIDIOUS!

  • Abby Normal
  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    There has to have been enough time elapsed for at least ONE chaplain’s assistant to dish the dirt on Clingstoshit.

  • coragyps

    “Historian David Barton”

    That’s enough bullshit to fertilize all the arable land in Namibia right there.

  • steve oberski

    Evidently demons work on approximately 1-month shifts. Its slightly shorter, so maybe they use a lunar calendar.

    You know who else uses a lunar calendar ? Muslims, that’s who.

    Those must be Islamic daemons controlling Obama.

  • lordshipmayhem

    There are daemons controlling my computer. However, they’re not the demons the batshit-crazy religious types think they are.

  • caseloweraz

    GK: “My new book […] reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.”

    Personally, I would have thought that it would be a serious enough charge for a religious leader to make to charge him with being ruled by one demon. Also it’s logistically more efficient: One demon, one Democrat. Unless Hell has an infinite supply of demons, of course.

    (I know — there I go again, applying logic and <gasp> rational discernment…)

  • Didaktylos

    50 – I work that out as 3 squads of 15 with 5 stand-buys to give 24/7 coverage …

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1468751142 Kevin

    Funny. I thought there were 53 Republican Senators.

    I guess three of them must be human, after all.

  • dugglebogey

    Personally, I think it’s hilarious that a non-christian such as myself has to remind Christians of Romans 13:1

    “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except by God’s appointment, and the authorities that exist have been instituted by God.”

    They’re YOUR fucking rules, start listening to them.

  • davem

    You’d have thought that the 50th demon would have said to itself “nah, there are already 49 demons controlling him, I’ll see if Romney is unoccupied’.

  • busterggi

    I demand that Klingschmidt produce the birth certificates of those fifty demons.

  • tbp1

    I realize that people can be professionally competent and still kinda crazy in other aspects of their lives. I’ve known several, in fact.

    Still, the fact that this guy made it to general before anyone realized he is barking mad is really, really scary. (I felt the same way about Curtis LeMay.)

  • jba55

    @31: Whoa, he’s no general. I’m almost positive he was a Lieutenant and if I’m not mistaken the officer rank comes with being a chaplain.

  • kosk11348

    Why do I have the feeling that these “demons” will end up having the names of common human traits like Vanity and Pride? And why do I feel like Klingenschmitt’s “PhD-level theological method” will consist of psychoanalyzing Obama from secondhand reports and anecdotes?

    “The proof that Demon #38, Immodesty, has taken possession of Obama’s soul can be inferred from this beach vacation photo…”

  • tbp1

    Oops, you’re absolutely right. I was conflating him with Boykin. Apologies.

  • jba55

    @34: Now that man is another issue entirely. I can’t get my head around his ability to effectively use such a messed up brain.

  • fastlane

    Yes, well, my “spiritual discernment” tells me that Klingonshit is possessed of at least a couple deamons of his own. Among them are the demons of:

    – Stupidity

    – Ignorance

    – Bigotry

    – Stupidity

    – Hubris

    – Stupidity

    And a couple of others I don’t have time to look up in my thesaurus…. 😉

  • Brownian

    The problem is covered in my book, he said to me

    I have explained it all in chapters one through three

    And on page fifty-nine, and in the appendices

    There must be fifty demons inside Obama

    He said it’s really not my habit to promote

    My little sermons or the books that I have wrote

    But I will do so now, ’cause I want to buy a bigger boat

    There must be fifty demons inside Obama, fifty demons inside Obama

    Chorus:

    There’s that one in his back: Jack; one in his hand: Stan;

    One that makes him feel joy: Roy; they count for just three

    There’s the one in his pus: Gus; don’t see that one too much

    And the one in his knee, Lee: almost too many to see

    He said it pains him so to see the States so bad,

    With all those slackers getting back the jobs they had

    Don’t ask don’t tell, Obamacare, it’s all really just so sad about the fifty demons…

    He said We should be voting to elect the Christian right

    And I believe in January we’ll begin to see the light

    Of burning crosses, and the White House will once again be white

    There must be fifty demons inside Obama, fifty demons inside Obama…

    Chorus

  • http://thouwinterwind.wordpress.com Winterwind

    50? Aren’t there 535?

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty (Always growing and learning)

    Okay, which one of you slipped the LSD into his coffee?

  • thalwen

    50 demons? So is that like one per state? And if states do have their own demons, are they like the state demon, like the state flower? And if the states are demonic and we live in the United States… why does this man hate America?

    Alas, from the description, I suspect this book is pages and pages of ranting that the most rabid of raccoons could not surpass.

  • abb3w

    The book is available at Amazon, and has some preview available. I checked the bit on how to see demons (pp 39-40). It references 1 John 4:1-6, and then claims “People who are filled with the spirit of truth agree with the writers of the New Testament. People who are filled with demons of error disagree with the writers of the New Testament.” (emphasis in original) — therefore, since Obama disagrees with Klingenschmitt’s understanding of those writers, Obama must be possessed.

    He later starts talking about Ignatius of Loyola’s “Rules for Discerning of Spirits“. The sort of discernment there is about identifying which type, not actually finding them in the first place. At which point it seems to involve the implicit premise that it’s all either angels or demons motivating people.

    This is stupid crazy beyond my ability to parse further. I’d suggest a copy of Sagan’s “Demon Haunted World” as an antidote, but those most in need will probably jump to the conclusion that the author simply changed the “t” in his name to a “g” for marketing reasons.

  • Gvlgeologist, FCD

    Brownian, you win today’s Internets.

    And a phone call from Paul Simon’s copyright lawyer.

  • raven

    This is stupid crazy beyond my ability to parse further.

    That about sums it up. My natal church wasn’t much into demons, hell, or satan. Half of all US xians don’t believe in those.

    When I hear people talking about demons its like people talking about fairies, elves, leprechauns, or pixies. They are just ancient folklore superstitions, chiefly known today as characters in fairy tales and children’s cartoons. The Dark Ages ended around 700 years ago. I guess they didn’t get the memo or don’t have a calendar.

    The candle flame gutters. Its little pool of light trembles. Darkness gathers. The demons begin to stir.” ― Carl Sagan

    The fundies really do live in demon haunted darkness. It’s their own invention though.

    PS Klingenschmitt is sort of crazy. He was kicked out of the navy chaplain corps. He has also tried to kill Obama and Mikey Weinstein. No kidding. By imprecatory prayer. His superpowers are as good as any other xians judging from his complete failure. Demons 1, Jesus 0 again.

  • ottod

    50 Demons, discern spirits,PhD-level theological method, and historian David Barton. If I was dealt that hand, I think I’d go all in and try to fill up a royal flush of batshit crazy.

  • cottonnero

    Brownian, you magnificent bastard!

  • spamamander, internet amphibian

    Damnit, now Ed’s commentators will be getting in the “Sex With Brownian” queue, too. The Horde just wasn’t enough…

  • wholething

    I would like to learn more about how to operate in the spiritual gift of distilling of spirits.

    Is he sure those demons are not shades? Maybe he is reading 50 Shades of Grey and is getting confused.

  • jefferylanam

    Romney, on the other hand, is running on a version of Unix, so he has 50 daemons controlling him.

  • dan4

    Goodness, least when liberals demonize conservatives, they’re aren’t doing it IN A LITERAL CONTEXT.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    Obama possessed by 50 demons; Gordo ridiculed by 50 commentors. I thinking that Gordo’s gonna have the bigger bruise.

  • StevoR

    Fifty demons for Obama eh?

    Guess there’d be :

    1) teh Muslim demon,

    2) teh atheist demon,

    3) teh Socialist demon,

    4) teh Communist demon,

    5) teh Nazi demon

    6) teh Kenyan demon

    7) teh anti-American demon

    8) teh (whisper) bein’ b-b-bleck demon .. that’s teh wurst o’all!

    Hmm .. that’s not even a fifth of ’em and seems to cover the worst “ground” in relation tohis character already for rethugs.

    Am I right?

  • StevoR

    Hence explaining why Obama is simultaneously a MuslimSocialistNaziCommunistAtheistKenyan and that n-word they really want to call him but is too obscene even for them.

  • StevoR

    The “demons”, of course, are all in Gordo’s own eyes and projections.

    Obama is supposedly possessed by 50 demons – he’s been in office already for four years and what have these supposedly evil entities made him do that’s so dreadful?

    Offer neighbourly samaritan-like care for the poor and sick ie. Obamacare?

    Love his wife and kids without scandal or apparent anomalies?

    End DADT so that the US military is stronger and people’ freer to love each other without fear?

    End wars and hold off from threatenening further wars?

    Take out a decidedly evil man who could be (metaphorically) said to be “demonic” Osama bin laden? (Wonder how many demons Klingenschmitt would see in OBL?)

    Y’know if this is demonic possession then it kind a seems that it ain’t such a horrible thing and isn’t teh End o’th’Wurld!

    Have the reputation of demons been exaggerated out of all proportion or what?

  • StevoR

    Wait. Unless .. did all 50 demons take Obama over simultaneously during that first debate and explain why he did so bad then?

    Did they jump across from Rmoney for a short spell or something?

  • kantalope

    Haha – If you send me the monies I’ll find 51…no 60…100 demons running B. Hussein Obama. Biden? 42 Demons easy. Nancy Pelosi? Obviously a succubus trying to tempt Rush Limbaugh with naughty thoughts! Not only will it be PhD level…it’ll be PhDouble-D analysis.

    And if you send the extra money for the extended photo edition I’ll list all the demons ruling Big Bird and Kermit the Frog(sometimes you can see the little wires they use to move his arms). With photos.

    Pay Pal and credit cards but no Discover that is the mark of the beast.

    I am not a kook!!

  • Bjarni

    Actually, I read that title as “Obama Controlled by 50 lemons”.

    Hey – it didn’t make any less sense!

  • http://elusivenewreader.wordpress.com/ Ing:Intellectual Terrorist “Starting Tonight, People will Whine”

    to determine that President Obama is controlled by 50 demons.

    In a row?

  • Armored Scrum Object

    @Ing #57: Considering how breathlessly Gordo blathers on about this, my meme of choice was more like:

    Barton: Gordo, what does your theological method say about his demon level?

    Gordo: It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAND!

  • otrame

    Now, THAT my friends, is why there is such a long line waiting to have Ghey Secs with Brownian.

  • dan4

    I think I got whiplash from the first two paragraphs of the second block quote from Gordo. How exactly can one have “50 hidden demons ruling” their heart…and yet NOT be “demon-possessed?”

  • martinc

    Donovan @ 8:

    I’m not nearly so gifted. I can only seem to find 47.

    Those aren’t demons. Those are chromosomes.

  • dingojack

    @ martinc – carrying that demonic Darwinian DNA, straight from the pit of H*LL! Bwhahahahahahahaha!

    [tinny recording of thunder, cheap camera-flash lightning]

    ŏŏ Dingo

  • equisetum

    Only 50?

    Obama’s heart is so small that’s all that would fit. You should have seen the demon battles that were fought.

  • grumpyoldfart

    I wonder how many Christians will make the donation which makes them eligible to receive the free pamphlet? Do you reckon they’ll reach double figures?

  • http://sciencenotes.wordpress.com/ Markita Lynda—damn misogyny!

    Is Klinginshitt going from insanely privileged to downright insane?

  • DaveL

    All these answers are given specifically, just read Chapters 3 & 4, which apply my own PhD-level theological method

    There really is only one “PhD-level theological method”, and it’s called “Making Shit Up.”

  • brucegorton

    My guess is they would be called Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California etc…

  • eric

    Dan4:

    How exactly can one have “50 hidden demons ruling” their heart…and yet NOT be “demon-possessed?”

    You have to buy the book to find out. His crazy doubles as self-promotion/advertising (possibly making this a ‘crazy like a fox’ type of crazy).

  • birgerjohansson

    bjarni, I read that as “50 lemurs”.

    At least that would be plausible: Hollow doll run by tiny wheels and cogs propelled by tiny lemurs.

    — — — — — —

    Management by committe- no wonder Obama has not yet started to denounce religion.

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com holytape

    Well, Legion isn’t many these days, are they? What is Obama going to say when someone asks who he is in the name of Christ? — “We are Legion, and we could fill a large conference room, but not a lecture hall? ” or “We are Legion, we are many, but not quiet enough to fill an NFL roster.”

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    Drats! If only there were 52 demons, it could be parodied to the B-52s song “52 Girls.”

  • StevoR

    @ ^ fifthdentist : Just wait a while I’m sure the chaplain can see invent a couple more for us..

  • tbp1

    It honestly almost makes me weep that actual grownups (at least by calendar years), people with some influence in certain corners of the world, believe in the existence of demons.

    I was doing my occasional surf through the local religious radio stations the other day (I like to see what the opposition is up to) and heard a long bit on the Catholic station about exorcism. Hearing supposed adults drone on and on about who is authorized to perform an exorcism (they made a huge distinction between praying for someone who was demon-possessed and actual exorcism), what circumstances called for an exorcism, etc. etc. made me want to just scream at the radio. I’m sure my blood pressure spiked. These were not stupid people. They were obviously educated, spoke calmly and articulately, made their points clearly…but fundamentally they were telling ghost stories as if they were real.

  • Sastra

    raven #11 wrote:

    I know this because of my world class spiritual discernment abilities. They are as great as all the Popes, priests, ministers, and Wiccans combined. OTOH, they are also equal to my cat’s.the Popes, priests, ministers, and Wiccans combined. OTOH, they are also equal to my cat’s.

    More and more, raven’s cat is starting to look like it just may earn my vote.

  • fastlane

    jefferylanam

    Romney, on the other hand, is running on a version of Unix, so he has 50 daemons controlling him.

    If Rmoney were running Unix, he wouldn’t have to reboot so often.

    *zing* I’ll be here all week.

  • Tony •Queer Duck Overlord of The Bronze•

    abb3w:

    The book is available at Amazon, and has some preview available.

    Knowing that gives me a diabolical thought. Though it would never happen, I’d love to see every comment in this thread listed under the reviews for the book. Imagine the outcry!

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty (Always growing and learning)

    Tony, that’s evil… and sheer genius.

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    “Drats! If only there were 52 demons, it could be parodied to the B-52s song “52 Girls.””

    Or 44. “88 Lines About 44 Demons” has a certain lilt to it.

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    The same demons who exert such obvious control over people like Jerry Falwell, Pope Palpadict, Al Qaeda Pat, Mike Hickabee and Rick Santorum? I guess that’s okay — it’s not like any of those demons are Muslims or atheists, right?

  • Tony •Queer Duck Overlord of The Bronze•

    Within Obama, there doth lay

    50 Demonic Shades of Grey

    To turn us from our Saviors’ way

    So that all ‘Merikans embrace the Gay!