Klingenschmitt: Sell Your Clothes and Buy a Gun

I’m always amused by how some Christians rationalize the words of Jesus. When he tells people to take care of the poor, as he did many times, that’s just for that one person. When he tells his apostles to get swords, that’s a command to everyone today to buy guns. Here’s Gordon Klingenschmitt’s version, telling his followers “as a Christian chaplain, sell your clothes and buy a gun. It’s time. The government persecution will be coming against you and you need to arm yourselves and defend your family when that time comes.” Of course, this is all possible because one can read damn near anything into the gospels.

httpv://youtu.be/-mrcYQuRU1s

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • http://www.bolingbrookbabbler.com cethis

    I will keep an eye out for naked people with guns.

  • John Pieret

    But then:

    38 And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.

    So all we have to worry about is two naked armed guys? OK!

  • zippythepinhead

    If you get cold, just wrap yourself in a flag and burn some books.

  • celcus

    Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and buy as many guns as thou might, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the rifle, and follow me.

    And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for rifles had yet to be invented.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1246980039 caseyboucher

    How wonderfully dynamic this gun-toting, zombie, pacifistic, Jeezus character must have been.

    If nothing else, he sure seemed able to accommodate a ton of cognitive dissonance.

  • dingojack

    Not even a kevlar flak-jacket, Fruity? I guess SWAT teams like a nice soft, pale target now & then.

    Dingo

    ——-

    On the upside, at least Fruity (and his ilk) won’t get those nasty leg burns every time they open their mouths (spontaneous trouser-ignition’ is such a problem for them). .

  • jnorris

    What gun(s) should proper White American Christian buy? Can I buy a gun from a non-Christian and still be loved by Jesus? How many do I need? How much ammo should I stockpile? Some churches bless animals on St Francis’ Day, what churches will bless my guns?

    And finally Mr Klingenschmitt, how many guns do you carry with you when you go to church? Do the other Christians there know you’re packing?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    [ring, ring. Bob, at work, picks up phone]

    “Bob, honey…”

    “Yes, dear?”

    “It’s your father. He’s naked again.”

    “But…”

    “No, Bob. We aren’t going through this again. Last time we agreed, if it happened again we’d put him in a home.”

    “Yes dear. The gun is still in the safe, though, right?”

    “Yes, Bob. He’s running around with a Bedazzler. Says ‘the government is coming for my bible’. Bedazzled the heck out of the living room curtains. My mother made those curtains for us, Bob.”

    “Oh, dear. Home it is, then.”

  • Pierce R. Butler

    Consignment shops and yard sales just don’t fetch a lot of money for used clothes these days.

    Even those old uniforms Klingenschmitt got fired for wearing – against orders, at a public political event – won’t get him very much at all.

    But the price of shootin’ iron keeps goin’ up, and sometimes you can’t even get ammo for any price.

    Stick with knife fightin’, like Jesus wanted.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    Luke 22:49-51

    49 When Jesus’ followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” 50 And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear.

    51 But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.

    Or Matthew 26:50-54

    50 Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.”[a]

    Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him. 51 With that, one of Jesus’ companions reached for his sword, drew it out and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.

    52 “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. 53 Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? 54 But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

    Looks like Jesus was ok with having swords, but uncomfortable with people using them. He wouldn’t be the first leader who told his people to do something and then was horrified at consequences.

    Klingenschmitt certainly isn’t the first “Christian” to ignore Jesus.

  • Larry

    Concealed carry permits aren’t going to do you a lot of good if you’re naked.

    You ever think of that, preacher boy?

  • some bastard on the net

    Larry #11

    Concealed carry permits aren’t going to do you a lot of good if you’re naked.

    You ever think of that, preacher boy?

    Dammit, Larry, that just gave me a horrible mental image!

  • otrame

    The Government arrives. Fist pounds at the door. Patriotic American stands in doorway, naked but holding his automatic rifle, sure in his righteousness. He glares at the Government and states proudly, “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!” and stands, firm in his purpose. Government sighs, glances back at the small squad behind him, then says, “Well, okay. If that’s what you want.”

  • raven

    Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room …

    biblehub. com/romans/ 12-19.htm‎

    Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,

    “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” New American Standard …

    This is always a problem with imaginary friends.

    People get tired of waiting for it to actually do something and decide they have to do its job instead.

  • dingojack

    Larry – Take a leaf out of Captain Jack Harkess’ – erm – book. (c. 1:40 mark for the impatient).

    Dingo

  • matty1

    OK this is wild speculation but it seems to me the best explanation is that the different sources used to put together the gospels came from very different sects. Some were pacifists who wanted to ignore the world and sit quietly till God came for them, others were all for the violent overthrow of the established order.

    The pacifists largely won the argument and the God of Armies took a back seat until the church gained political power in the Roman Empire but bits of the militant anti-Roman version slipped through and this is one of them.

  • coragyps

    Larry, Mr K has had his head up his ass for so long that he has plenty of room for a concealed weapon in there.

  • dingojack

    How big a pin-head would one need to act as a dance floor for at least twelve legions of angels?

    Dingo

  • Michael Heath

    ArtK quotes Matthew 26:

    52 “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. 53 Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? 54 But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

    Ed from another blog today:

    Right Wing Watch catches Glenn Beck once again making a claim on his radio show that his own website, The Blaze, debunked months ago.

    Glenn Beck is reaching for a level of greatness achieved by the gospel writers and editors.

    Running a con has become small potatoes for him. To run a con against Christians that reaches “art”, analogous to slathering oneself with feces and getting one’s audience to feast on it, one must con the dupes while simultaneously telegraphing a con is being run on them.

  • exdrone

    Larry @11:

    Concealed carry permits aren’t going to do you a lot of good if you’re naked. You ever think of that, preacher boy?

    Well, there is one way that such an arrangement could work, and coincidentally, it matches my proposal for what Klingenschmitt should do with his gun.

  • kyoseki

    jnorris

    Some churches bless animals on St Francis’ Day, what churches will bless my guns?

    Well, since you asked…

    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/aug/28/pussy-riot-russia-church-state

  • Moggie

    John Pieret:

    38 And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.

    So all we have to worry about is two naked armed guys? OK!

    One guy, two swords. Even in biblical times there were guys who over-compensated for their shortcomings, and you couldn’t get a Desert Eagle back then.

  • kyoseki

    Moggie

    One guy, two swords. Even in biblical times there were guys who over-compensated for their shortcomings, and you couldn’t get a Desert Eagle back then.

    Actually, in the passage, there’s 13 guys there, Jesus plus the apostles, the whole band if you will.

    Effectively, Jesus says “if you don’t have a sword, sell your shit and buy one”, to which they respond “hey, we already have two” and Jesus says “that’s enough”.

    Usually quoted by the gun & bible crowd as a justification that Jesus supported the idea of self defense, they always forget the second half.

    … of course, the same people invariably forget the first half of the 2nd Amendment, so it’s not really all that surprising.

  • skinnercitycyclist

    I always thought this sword story was fishy, why would JC tell them to get swords, decide two is enough, then, when it is time to rock and roll, he tells Peter to put up his sword and they should not resist with violence. The whole thing is a set-up, probably inserted by a later editor (or the guy who made it all up out of whole cloth) to make a point. Does not strike me as a plausible story in itself.

  • http://artk.typepad.com ArtK

    @ skinnercitycyclist

    Does not strike me as a plausible story in itself.

    This is the Bible we’re talking about. Plausibility has never been strong in that document. It’s got talking snakes, burning bushes that talk, a guy living in a whale, seas parting on command and you think that some leader being inconsistent is implausible?

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    Peter sliced a guy’s ear off? That there is some pretty fancy sword handling. To cut off somebody’s ear without the stroke carrying through to sever the carotid or jugular (depending on which ear was affected) , shearing the collarbone and a rib or three would take a level of sword mastery that is beyond what most soldiers of the time, never mind a local fisherman, would be able to display.

    @kyoseki:

    You’ve got the wrong translation of the Wholly Babble.

    Get a copy of the St. Jesse James version:

    Verses: 5:56, 7:62, .30:06, 9 and 19ll:45 have all of the justification you need!

  • http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

    Do any of our Wholly Babble scholars out there know if there’s a “Stand your ground” justification in the Giant Book of Bullshit?

    I’ll write it for you:

    “Yea, verily, I say unto Thee:

    If thee be in thine own abode, thine own iron chariot (or one that thou hath taken in temporary custody) or on a public way (including but not limited to the Appian Way, the road to Nazareth, Jerusalem or some trendy little gated community–but not the one where we send the lepers–thou shalt KILL any mofo that messes with thine’s shit or property or makes thou feel as thou they might do so. Thus endeth the lesson.”