Virulently anti-gay bigot Joseph Nicolosi says in a post on the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) website that “ex-gay” advocates should not even speak to gay journalists or commentators because gay people are not capable of evaluating “the ex-gay experience.”
The adoption of this gay identity necessitates the abandonment of any hope that he could ever modify his unwanted feelings and develop his heterosexual potential. He must surrender his earlier wish that he could have a conventional marriage and family. So in order to internalize this gay identity he must mourn the possibility of ever resolving his unwanted homosexuality; i.e., he must grieve the loss of what he yearned for.
It is this process of grieving his own hopes and mourning his own dreams which prevents the person who later identifies as gay from believing that change is possible for others: “If I myself could not change, how could they?” Perhaps on a deeper level, this thought is also rooted in anger: “If I cannot have what I wanted for my own life, neither should they.”
Explaining this inherent bias of the gay-identified person against the ex-gay person’s experience, an Orthodox Jewish friend of mine commented: “It would be like a group of rabbis deciding that they themselves would determine if Jesus really was God.” “Worse,” I responded. “It would be more like a person desperately trying to find God in his life, abandoning the hope and adopting atheism, then setting himself up as the person who determines the reality of God in the lives of others.”And it is that grieving process, that painful letting-go of one’s dreams, that has biased the gay person’s evaluation of the ex-gay experience.
Isn’t it interesting how certain Nicolosi is that every gay person dreams of not being gay and wishes they could develop their “heterosexual potential”? That every gay person wishes they could have a “conventional marriage and family”? Yeah, I’m sure gay people really are biased against being told that they are broken and an “abomination” and that if they just pray hard enough they can magically become straight. I’m sure they are biased against those who reinforce the self-loathing that society’s anti-gay bias has already drummed into them, often literally at the end of a clenched first (or worse). That doesn’t sound like an unreasonable bias to me.