Florida Man Auctions Jesus’ Toenails

Are you a Christian with a foot fetish? If so, a guy in Florida has the Christmas gift for you — Jesus’ toenails. He’s selling them on Ebay along with a cockamamie story about how they ended up in his possession. Their condition is listed, naturally, as “used.”

While traveling through Europe I went to see a “sear” or as Americans like to call them “psychic”. I stayed in Germany for a couple of months then decided to travel. I found myself in a little border town in the Czech republic. This short little older women whom appeared to be about one hundred and fifty years old popped out of a door way and grabbed my hand. Scarred the bagebers out of me.Then she pulled me into this dilapidated door way and said she had a gift for me. As I held out my hand and looked into her gray eyes I noticed moles on the side of her face with hairs sticking out of them, to me this indicated she was very very old. Then she proceeded to tell me what they were. Well I figured they could not be real because it’s not like I could get a DNA test on them? Who would I ask “God”. Now I figured I would part with them or try to sell them on my own website. Maybe they could find a good home with a curator who believes this is true.

This isn’t quite as good as Ron Wyatt, who claimed to have found the real blood of Jesus on the top of the Ark of the Covenant, which he found in a cave in Jerusalem under the hill of Calvary. He can’t actually produce the Ark or the blood, of course, due to all kinds of outrageous shenanigans that make perfect sense, but he claimed to have taken a sample of that dried blood back to America and had it tested. And he knows it’s Jesus’ blood because it only had 24 chromosomes (23 from Mary and one big one from God). I can’t wait for the person who claims to have found his semen.

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About Ed Brayton

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    At one time, as many as 18 relics purported to be Jesus’ foreskin could be found in Europe. The last one disappeared in 1983, where it was going to be paraded through the streets of Calcata, Italy.

    The existence of Holy Prepuces so embarrassed the Church that, in 1900, it declared that any written or spoken mention of it would result in general excommunication. In 1954, the penalty was upped to the most severe form of excommunication: not only were the guilty to be denied the sacraments, but any Catholic who dealt with them would themselves be excommunicated. And this while asserting at the same time that the Calcata foreskin was more likely to be authentic than one that had recently surfaced in France. The Church went so far as to drop the Feast of the Circumcision (January 1) from the calendar entirely in 1965.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    Another article about the Holy Prepuce: Who stole Jesus’ foreskin?. Alas, this is not The Onion.

  • lorn

    Feast of the circumcision, wouldn’t that require kryptonite scissors or something?

  • http://www.rodlamkey.net reverendrodney

    I presume the following is about hairs growing out of moles, for it is written:

    “As I held out my hand and looked into her gray eyes I noticed moles on the side of her face with hairs sticking out of them, to me this indicated she was very very old. Then she proceeded to tell me what they were. Well I figured they could not be real because it’s not like I could get a DNA test on them?”

  • John Hinkle

    I have Jesus’ boogers, if anyone is interested. Cheap.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    It’s nice to see that these old traditionsswindles never die out:

    “But of his craft, fro Berwyk unto Ware,

    Ne was ther swich another pardoner,

    For in his male he hadde a pilwe-beer,

    Which that, he seyde, was oure lady veyl;

    He seyde he hadde a gobet of the seyl

    That Seïnt Peter hadde whan that he wente

    Upon the see til Jhesu Crist hym hente.

    He hadde a croys of latoun ful of stones,

    And in a glas he hadde pigges bones.

    But with thise relikes, whan that he fond

    A poure person dwellynge upon lond,

    Upon a day he gat hym moore moneye

    Than that the person gat in monthes tweye;”

  • Artor

    Chaucer for the WIN!!!

  • jnorris

    This short little older women whom appeared to be about one hundred and fifty years old popped out of a door way and grabbed my hand.

    Now we know what the great actress Mme. Maria Ouspenskaya has been doing since her death.

  • caseloweraz

    While traveling through Europe I went to see a “sear” or as Americans like to call them “psychic”

    What he should have said:

    “While traveling through Europe I went to see a ‘sear’ — and boy did I get burned!”

  • Reginald Selkirk

    “sear”

    Pro tip: When attempting to come across as a clueless git, put your grammatical and spelling errors in scare quotes so that the reader knows they are the result of careful research rather than casual errors.

  • Moggie

    Someone should make a list of those “sears”; a sort of catalogue, if you will. I can’t think of a good name for it, though.


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