Get Your Ted Cruz Coloring Book

With Christmas rapidly approaching, you may be wondering what to buy for that special wingnut larvae on your list. Worry no more. You can buy them the Ted Cruz “Cruz to the Future” coloring book/comic book. ThinkProgress tells you some of what you can expect to find in it:

Some of the “non-partisan, fact-driven” things children will learn from the new book are:

  • Ted Cruz Is A Man Of Great Virility And Stamina: Many “career establishment politicians are far too out of shape, old or overweight to even perform such a magnificent feat” as standing on the Senate floor and talking for over 21 hours. But not Ted Cruz!
  • Ted Cruz Can See The Future: Cruz spoke with “clairvoyant precision” about the “quickly approaching Obama Care disaster.
  • Cruz Is The Constitution’s Guardian: Ted Cruz is a “passionate fighter for limited government, economic growth, and the Constitution.
  • America Is A Christian Nation: American history is “replete with official references to the value and invocation of Divine guidance, including official Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, House and Senate chaplains, the national motto ‘In God We Trust,” the Pledge of Allegiance, [and] religious paintings in the National Gallery.” So hands off those government-sponsored Ten Commandments monuments!
  • Providing Health Care To People Who Can’t Afford It Is Worse Than War: Cruz’s failed stand against the Affordable Care Act “was so important because millions of citizens believe Obama Care is worse than any war. At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves.”

But you can only use red, white and blue crayons in it. Here’s a Youtube video promoting the book:

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  • Loqi

    “At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves.”

    If only they could have done something to fight the ACA. A democratic voting process, perhaps.

  • Abby Normal

    Sadly, his own kids can’t use it. Cruz returned all the non-white crayons to where they came from.

  • http://howlandbolton.com richardelguru

    Grief!!!!

    Surely that must be a touch of the old Edgar Allens??

     

    Surely???!??

  • Pen

    Hey guys, they have a Tea Party book as well!!

    This book is made for all Americans of every background, the hard working, honest, risk taking, responsible and self reliant people we are. The Tea Party is a non-violent response to excessive government, social and fiscal policies, and boasts zero (0) injuries, zero (0) arrests and zero (0) deaths since the modern movement began in 2009.

    And a Global Terrorism one! With Real Terrorist Trading Cards (TM)!!

    The 911 Vol. II The True Faces of Evil – Terror, parental guidance is suggested. It is about Good vs. Evil. There is no fantasy in this book. Some people refuse to believe the terror that actually exists, sometimes literally next door.

    They do have a Decomcratic Party one as well, but whoever wrote the guff for that toned it down a bit.

    For over 200 years, the Democrats have fought for the interests of working families and equal opportunities for all Americans. They believe in an America where we don’t just look out for ourselves. They’re proud of individualism and we also know that we rise and fall as one nation. Throughout history, Democrats have worked from the ground up to bring about the change that matters to all people.

    You know, Democrats, the boring crowd. Also, would I be wrong in thinking that blurb is inaccurate? Didn’t the Republicans and Democrats rather switch sides at some point?

    I really think they must know they’re taking the piss on some level. That guy on the video looked like he could hardly keep himself from laughing.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Sadly, his own kids can’t use it. Cruz returned all the non-white crayons to where they came from.

    Abby, your sniny new internets are on the loading dock ready to ship. Unfortunately, since we busted out the union contract, it’s hard to get loading dock workers who don’t drop and break things, but we’ll get them shipped your way just as soon as possible!

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    r all Americans of every background, the hard working, honest, risk taking, responsible and self reliant people we are

    People who say dumb shit like that really need to read “Smuggler Nation” by Peter Andreas. It’s a great view into the history of just how much the US was formed by people who took their earnings off the books… Hard working and risk-taking, yes, but honest? Hardly.

  • Doug Little

    It’s a great view into the history of just how much the US was formed by people who took their earnings off the books… Hard working and risk-taking, yes, but honest? Hardly.

    Well strike the hardworking as well since most of the hard work was done by slaves, something the tea baggers would love to reintroduce to our society.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    Well strike the hardworking as well since most of the hard work was done by slaves

    Good point. A huge amount of the barbados rum/sugar trade, of course, was off the books. And a lot of the guys who were profiting off it were … founding fathers.

    One of the ironies is that apparently the US’ tax base was pretty low compared to the rest of the empire. If the colonies hadn’t broken away, their taxes probably would have stayed a lot lower for a lot longer. That wasn’t convenient to the founders who, being wealthy, felt that being taxed hurt them disproportionately. Same shit, different day, in other words.

  • doublereed

    Oh man, and they say the left tries to indoctrinate children. Talk about projection.

  • http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

    If Cruz ever debates someone, or is going to appear on TV, I’d have people in the audience giving those out, with crayons. To everyone. Especially the press.

  • Evan Brehm

    Wow. This thing is just screaming for a parody commercial. I at least gave it some comedy treatment on my blog.

    http://mythbuster43.blogspot.com/2013/12/ted-cruz-coloring-book-for-kids.html

  • gardengnome

    That is possibly the most bizarre thing I have seen since I started reading this blog!

    The ‘tea-plant’ leaf nearest to Teddy and his twin ‘six-gun’ stance (as all children will recognize it) is labelled ‘gun rights’. Boy, you sure live in a strange country…

  • John Pieret

    Color me puke*.

    * And, no, that’s not a misspelling of “puce”.

  • matty1

    I hope there is also a Sarah Palin inaction figure.

  • Chiroptera

    Cruz’s failed stand against the Affordable Care Act “was so important because millions of citizens believe Obama Care is worse than any war. At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves.”

    If only I had a gun so I could protect myself from having my hospital stay paid for.

  • voidhawk

    Reminds me of Red Dwarf’s Rimmer song:

    If you’re in trouble he will save the day

    He’s brave and he’s fearless come what may

    Without him the mission would go astray

    He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

    Without him life would be much grimmer

    He’s handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer

    He will never need a zimmer

    He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

    More reliable than a garden trimmer

    He’s never been mistaken for Yul Brynner

    He’s not bald, and his head doesn’t glimmer

    Master of the wit and the repartee

    His command of space directives is uncanny

    How come he’s such a genius? Don’t ask me!

    Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

    He’s also a fantastic swimmer

    And if you play your cards right

    Then he just might come round for dinner

    He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer

    No rhymes left now apart from quimmer

    He’d better fade us out before we get to schlimmer

    Fade out you stupid plimmer

  • arakasi

    Cruz’s failed stand against the Affordable Care Act “was so important because millions of citizens believe Obama Care is worse than any war

    There is an organization based out of Russia called Children of Wartime Stalingrad. I am sure that they would be fascinated to hear Cruz explain how much worse the ACA is. I know that a lot of 10 year olds carried guns – being able to defend themselves made everything OK, right?

    On the other hand, we may just see a US Senator beaten to death with canes and walkers. I don’t think we’ve come close to that since the Civil War

  • mobius

    Pardon me, but doesn’t the third point contradict the fourth point?