It’s So Hard to Be Todd Starnes

Poor Todd Starnes. Fox News’ full-time senior reporter in charge of lying is mighty upset about defensive end Michael Sam coming out as gay before the NFL draft. Why, the knowledge that there is a gay person on the field is absolutely going to ruin his enjoyment of football.

I owe all of you a massive apology. I thought the Olympics was about athletic competition – not advancing a cultural agenda. I was wrong.

I thought the NFL was about football – not advancing a cultural agenda. I was wrong.

I should’ve learned my lesson after the Rose Bowl Parade and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

It’s all about advancing a cultural agenda — no matter the cost.

We are no longer allowed to have fun and enjoy sports or entertainment programs. How sad.

Really, Todd? The mere knowledge that one of the dozens of players in a football game is gay is enough to destroy your ability to “have fun and enjoy sports”? That’s kind of pathetic and deranged.

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  • sh3baproject

    correction: we can still enjoy sports. todd cant.

  • John Pieret

    I think what he means is that, if there is a known gay person on the field, he will have to spend his time thinking up something stupid and prejudiced to say on Faux News instead of just drinking beer and saying stupid things about the game to his television.

  • Chiroptera

    Let me get this straight:

    If a person who is openly gay is accepted by a sports team and allowed to play just like any of the openly heterosexual players, that is “advancing a cultural agenda.”

    But if by either official policy or the unofficial collective action by the owners, coaches, and players, an openly gay person is made unwelcome or prohibited from playing, that is totally not advancing a cultural agenda?

    Okay, got it!

  • doublereed

    “WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”

  • D. C. Sessions

    Really, Todd? The mere knowledge that one of the dozens of players in a football game is gay is enough to destroy your ability to “have fun and enjoy sports”? That’s kind of

    … all about advancing a cultural agenda — no matter the cost.

  • noastronomer

    @DC

    Though what Starnes is trying to do can hardly be termed ‘advancing’.

    Mike.

  • Randomfactor

    Couldn’t Starnes have stopped after the first sentence?

  • ianeymeaney

    It’s fine to have a multiple-accused sex offender (Bathroom Ben Roethlisberger), someone who covered up 2 murders (Ray Lewis), or a DUI vehicular manslaughter committer (Dante Stallworth), etc etc, but to have someone with the ghey? Never!

  • Donnie

    I thought that the Civil War was about War and not about advancing a cultural agenda

    I thought that the Sexual Revolution was about Sex and not about advancing a cultural agenda

    I thought that New Reporting was about News and not about advancing a cultural agenda

  • Rev. BigDumbChimp

    And here i thought journalism was about reporting the news as factually as possible, not all about advancing a cultural agenda

  • lofgren

    What exactly is this “cost” he’s speaking of?

  • eric

    Why, the knowledge that there is a gay person on the field is absolutely going to ruin his enjoyment of football.

    I hate to see his reaction, then, when he realizes the “a” in that sentence is incorrect…

  • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    So a man who enjoys watching sweaty muscular men piling on top of each other is now upset that there’s an openly gay person playing football?

    What?

  • http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/User:Modusoperandi Modusoperandi

    He’s right. Personally, learning things about stuff ruined stuff for me. I can’t even look at stuff any more without being reminded about the things I learned about it.

  • Chiroptera

    I will also say this:

    Evaluating people on the basis of the talents they have for the job at hand, judging people by their willingness to help others and by the measures they take to avoid harming others (the “content of their characters”)…

    …that is an agenda I think is worth advancing.

  • teawithbertrand

    Dear Tood,

    I personally couldn’t be happier to hear that this has ruined your ability to enjoy sports. Now kindly go fuck yourself.

  • teawithbertrand

    Sorry…I am in no mood today.

  • oranje

    They start out saying how immoral and unacceptable it is to be gay, creating an exclusion. Then when someone objects to that, pointing out that they are in that excluded class but are no different from anyone else, then it’s being shoved down their throats.

    What I wish was obvious to the fundamentalist culture warriors is that the reason someone like Michael Sam coming out is a big deal is because they are actively fighting against it and it says something about this young man’s character that he’s going to invite that scrutiny while doing everything to prove his ability and being a team player.

  • colnago80

    Re ianaymeaney @ #8

    Not to mention Michael Vick and his fighting dogs.

  • tbell

    I guess Tim Tebow’s outspoken Christianity must have really upset Starnas, then.

  • Wylann

    The mere knowledge that one of the dozens of players in a football game is known to be gay is enough to destroy your ability to “have fun and enjoy sports”?

    Bold added by me. We already know there are a couple who played for years without it being known. It’s just that they aren’t all willing to stay in the closet to protect the fee fees (or maybe other personal issues) of the bigots is what’s got them upset.

    I will enjoy football a bit more knowing it’s annoying the right wing fucktards, and I hope one of the good teams picks Sam early in the draft (the Seahawks maybe?).

  • David C Brayton

    I wish he could meet Jackie Robinson and explain his perspective to him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/den.wilson d.c.wilson

    Just imagine how much of a miserable person Todd must be. Every day, there’s something new that reminds him that gheys exist. Pretty soon, he’s going to have shut himself off from the entire world and have no contact with anyone.

    Wouldn’t that be a shame?

  • http://festeringscabofrealityblogspot.com fifthdentist

    “I thought the NFL was about football – not advancing a cultural agenda. I was wrong.?”

    I remember back when I was a kid there were books by a number of proselytizing Jesus humpers linked to the NFL. The one I remember most vividly is a Roger Staubach book written in the 60s or 70s claiming Jesus was behind all his success. There were others, and the NFL is famous for its Christian image and coaches leading prayers, etc. His coach Tom Landry also had a come-to-Jesus book, IIRC, that came out later.

    Football-playing Christians have never been shy about advancing their social agenda.

    I think I know why he objects to knowing which player is gay. Before, he could use his imagination while watching football. Maybe fantasize that he’s staying at the beach and happens to run into Peyton Manning, who invites him to his room for a drink. They put on football uniforms, roughhouse a bit and find out what other interests they share over a candlelight dinner.

    This being certain about a player takes the fun out of it.

  • iknklast

    That’s OK. The knowledge that players will be pointing to the sky and thanking God has been destroying my enjoyment for a long time by advancing their cultural agenda.

    Oh, wait. I just learned it’s not advancing a cultural agenda when they tell us we should believe. That’s just spreading the truth. And everyone knows gay isn’t true, right? That clears it all up…..

    No, it doesn’t.

  • howardhershey

    Don’t forget an accused, but not yet guilty in a court of law, murderer: Aaron Hernandez.

  • eric

    What I wish was obvious to the fundamentalist culture warriors is that the reason someone like Michael Sam coming out is a big deal is because they are actively fighting against it

    Well I think it would still be news, just given the society we live in. But you are right, they certainly make a player’s orientation more newsworthy when they caterwaul about it.

  • jnorris

    I missed something somewhere. Will someone please explain to me what the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has to do with the Olympic Games or the National Football League?

    And does Mr Starnes’ hurt feelings mean News Corp will have to stop broadcasting the NFL because Mr Starnes can’t watch the games and comment on them?

  • http://aceofsevens.wordpress.com Ace of Sevens

    I’m glad Steve Young retired. I got tired of him constantly flaunting his straightness. That sort of thing doesn’t belong in the NFL.

  • jeevmon

    Maybe he should switch to pro wrestling. After all, there is nothing more heterosexual than two shirtless muscular men in tight pants grappling with one another.

  • cptdoom

    I missed something somewhere. Will someone please explain to me what the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has to do with the Olympic Games or the National Football League?

    @jnorris – The Macy’s parade had a number from the hit show “Kinky Boots,” based on the movie about a failing shoe manufacturer that finds success making f*ck-me boots for drag queens. The number was pretty innocuous, but all the characters – including the straight men who work at the factory – were dressed up in high-heel boots, so Satan, or something.

  • Sastra

    It would be fun to watch Starnes implode on himself if Michael Sam starts thanking Jesus after every victory. Which cultural agenda cancels out the other cultural agenda? Decisions, decisions…

  • Trickster Goddess

    Oh, Todd. You can still have fun and enjoy sports. Go ahead, you’ll have a gay old time!

  • cottonnero

    Just think of the articles Todd Starnes would have written in Brooklyn in 1947.

  • dugglebogey

    “I thought the Olympics was about athletic competition – not advancing a cultural agenda. I was wrong. ”

    Is he talking about Jesse Owens?

  • Taz

    A. One college football player announces he’s gay.

    B. We can no longer enjoy sports.

    There is no possible chain of logic that can connect those two statements.

  • had3

    Just when he got over Tebow…

  • leonardschneider

    You know what would be a beautiful thing? If Michael Sam was picked up by the Raiders, the most machismo-soaked, mean-ass team out there.

    “He’s gay? So what? What’s important is, is he willing to pile on, and can he deliver a late hit?”

  • kevinalexander

    So a man who enjoys watching sweaty muscular men piling on top of each other is now upset that there’s an openly gay person playing football?

    He’s going to obsess over which of those tight little tushies that he’s been staring at is the one he shouldn’t be staring at.

    Because he might catch the gay.

  • caseloweraz

    Starnes: I owe all of you a massive apology. I thought the Olympics was about athletic competition — not advancing a cultural agenda. I was wrong.

    Yeah… All that stuff about fostering world peace through interacting with athletes and other citizens from foreign nations is just another cultural agenda that gets in the way of your enjoyment of “USA! USA! Who we gonna beat today?”

  • groucho

    The Olympics is about honoring almighty Zeus, lord of the aegis, not athletic competition.

    We used to do this by having naked men wrestle while covered in olive oil. Now they just slide down hills on skis. And they call that progress.

  • scienceavenger

    It’s all about advancing a cultural agenda — no matter the cost.

    You mean like those pompous assholes who insist on vocalizing their belief that the supreme creator of the universe decided to make their success his top priority?